How Not to Vampire - Season 1

20. Guys Like Me

Pro-tip for Vampires #22: Most things that can kill vampires can kill humans, only harder.

The bus pulled up to the stop as I exited the Porn Emporium, and I only hesitated for a second before my instincts kicked in and I ran for the corner as if all of Pavlov's dogs were chasing after me. It didn't even occur to me that I was wearing the better part of a suit that should never be forced to endure public transit. I covered the fifty-feet faster than I had expected and jumped into the front doors behind a way too-cocky Millenial in his cheap jacket and vintage Misfits t-shirt. I was operating mostly on automatic and by the time the bus pulled away from the curb, easing its way into traffic, I realized that I had actually meant to call an Uber. I settled into the rhythm of the bus easily enough, until I caught sight of one of the ads above the windows.

Sebastian leered at me from the de Biers Company poster, mocking me with his perfect looks and stupid fucking hair, until I had to turn away and look somewhere else. Yet the emotions burned deep inside; Jaime's stinging rejection was something I had to deal with. I couldn't save her from Sebastien. She had made her choice, and anything I did would end in disaster. And in seven days, that motherfucker was going to be a vampire.

A vampire just like me. Well, not exactly like me. He had his goddamned fortune. Probably a castle too. Maybe even a cape somewhere with a high collar and everything.

I rocked back and forth with the rhythm of the ride, hiding behind my sunglasses, wanting nothing more than to pretend I was still human. Riding the bus among the normal people making their way home, was as normal and as human as it could get.

"Bobby, is that you?" a familiar voice said, and I turned to see Crazy Mary making her way from the back of the bus, a big shit-eating grin on her face. "Didn't recognize you."

The bus veered to a stop, and I stumbled, my face colliding with the metal pole. The cheap sunglasses were knocked off my face, but I grabbed them before they could fall, my reflexes kicking in. I grinned at that small triumph, a grin that slowly faded as I saw the way Crazy Mary looked at me.

Terror. Sheer unmitigated terror twisted her face.

"You ain't no Bobby!" She hissed at me and spat on the ground. "You got them eyes, you soulless freak. I know what you are!"

"Mary—' I tried to calm her down, and she pulled away as if my touch was poison. I was suddenly painfully aware of everybody on the bus staring at me and kept my hands to myself.

"Motherfucking chupacabra!" Crazy Mary shrieked, and shoved through the doors, rushing off the bus to get away from me.

She screamed obscenities at the bus as we pulled away into the night.

I had never felt so alone.

***

Guess whose face was on the side of the covered bus stop when I got off the bus?

Fuck you, universe.

There was a white Tesla Model S parked in front of my apartment complex, a car that stood out as clearly not belonging. All of the other cars parked on both sides of the street were a mixture of early-to-recent models of Nissans, Toyotas, and other ordinary high carbon-emissions vehicles. That Tesla was definitely way too slick-looking for my neighbourhood. You might as well have put up a billboard next to the car saying "drug dealer."

This thought was confirmed a moment later as a Latino man exited from the passenger side, the large fur-lined hood on his oversized winter coat pushed back far enough to expose his face. It was my favourite upstairs neighbour and drug dealer, Julio.

"Hey, Roberto!" Julio called out when he saw me, and he was way too cheerful, he had never been this cheerful, and was I freaking out a little, no I wasn't, I was freaking out a lot!