HIDING - every scar has a story

44. Hiding place.

{Cary}

Cary lay awake in Jon's room thinking about tomorrow and the next day and the next. He 'd never imagined he would live that long. If Jon hadn't been who he was at school, and if Pete hadn't come for him at the shelter, he was pretty sure he wouldn't have made it to this day, let alone hope to live through another one tomorrow. He felt like the stump of something, severed from the whole and left to bleed. Except the bleeding had stopped. The edges were sealing, and they might heal. That would just leave him with a hole in his middle he could maybe live with. And the scars.

He closed his eyes and found himself standing in the basement room with his scars drawn all over his skin. His heart shone like a fire in the hole of his chest. He put his hands against it to warm them, thinking about the other person he knew with scars.

He heard his name and turned. Jesus stepped into the room. He was taller than Cary, and light still came off him in waves. Cary barely held his ground. He didn't think he should be afraid of the person who had taken his father's beating with him, but they were in the basement and Jesus was bigger than he was—by a lot. He looked for bruises on Jesus' face and arms. "Are you okay?"

Jesus smiled. "I make everything new. Look at you." He laid his hand on his chest instead of touching Cary and opened it like a door. "That's beautiful."

The hair stood up all over Cary's exposed skin, and he crossed his arms over his body.

Jesus tipped his head, like Cary had spoken out loud. "You don't have your jacket," he said.

Cary lifted his shoulders, trying to hide his trembling. All the places he'd been hurt were open now and deeply tender, and there was nothing left to cover them with.

Jesus took a step toward him. "Can I be your jacket?"

"What?" Cary said through numb lips.

"I could hide you—inside me." Jesus lifted up his shirt and Cary blinked at the wound, hot and red, open in Jesus' side.

He put out his hand without thinking. "Does that still hurt you?" He closed his fingers and shut up, checking Jesus' face. He shouldn't have asked that. His father never told him what to do if the person he was addressing was God, but he could imagine what Conall would say—or rather, the way Conall would say it to him.

Jesus' mouth pressed in at the corners, like Jon's when he was holding tears inside. "You're still afraid of me."

Cary stayed still, watching Jesus from the corner of his eye.

"I didn't come here to make you afraid." Jesus was standing as still as he was, leaning a little toward him. "Do you want me to go?"

Cary bent his head. "You're God. Do what you like. Stay if you want."

There was a low, glad laugh, and Jesus slipped up so close he could have reached out and grabbed Cary with his strong, brown hands. Cary went rigid, not breathing.

Please don't hurt me. He kept his mouth shut on those words, but they were so close to speech they shivered over his skin.

Jesus brushed the bruised skin on Cary's ribs with his fingers. Cool relief spread from his touch like the medicine cream Jon put on Cary's arm. Jesus looked down at Cary, standing there trembling, and his expression was so tender Cary could barely believe he was the object of that emotion.

"I'm not him," Jesus said.

Cary could fill his lungs again, and he dropped his head onto Jesus' chest with a sigh. He was so weary.

Jesus caught his breath. He set his hand carefully on Cary's shoulder blade, like he was afraid to frighten him away. That was all. There was space between them; the air was warm with heat from Jesus' skin. Jesus bent his head and his breath brushed Cary's ear as he said, "Think about what I said, child."

Sleep wrapped Cary up and carried him away while he was still wondering which thing Jesus meant. He dreamt of the lift and fall of Jesus' breathing and his own heart keeping slow time under that scarred palm.

END

*We made it, lovelies--we got the boy out like I promised! In the Afterword I'll tell you a little about how this project came about, but you should know this is just the start of Cary's healing journey. It takes a long time and a lot of intentional work to heal from the trauma of childhood abuse--some of you know this personally. HIDING is the first book in what became the SCARS trilogy, following Cary's journey (and digging into the Jon's stuff as well). The next book is called Lay Me Down and I'll be posting the first chapters next week! Be well: you are loved and tenderly held in the heart of God.*