Lethal Obsession

20.

Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.

― Fyodor Dostoevsky

Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you.

― Julianne Cantarella

You can only actually help someone who wants to be helped

― Jojo Moyes

Chapter 20

There is a special level of anxiety when you are faced with the feeling that something isn't right, that it is out of its natural course, yet you are not aware of what that truly is. The weight you feel on your chest and the veil of mystery that seems to physically surround your brain prevents you from doing even the common, everyday tasks. The only thing left in moments of its dominance is to overthinking. Even though you are aware of the feeling, you cannot prevent whatever it is from happening. You are fighting with all your strength, but your body and mind are resisting, not giving you a moment of relief in which you will feel nothing.

That was exactly how I felt sitting in a tent with my friends, preparing for tonight's party. The four of us were under tension, although for different reasons. Sarah and Lena told Emma what had happened almost half an hour earlier, exaggerating a bit. They were trying so hard to stop themselves from giving me a lecture and I knew that at some point they would burst, however, I wasn't particularly interested. I was way too busy thinking about Mateo who was currently by the lake with his friends, giving me time to get ready. Many different and contradictory thoughts raced through my mind. I was extremely skeptical and dissatisfied with his presence and actions. I hated it when he made scenes like that, especially when it came to my friends. I knew he wanted me only for himself, but I was deeply troubled by that fact because there was no way I could make him realize that I needed a social life and that these people were my family long before he came into my life. However, on the other hand, I was extremely happy. As much as I tried to convince myself that I needed space from his constant pressure and insistence on spending every single second with me, I would be lying if I said I didn't like it. Yes, there were times when I felt overwhelmed, even claustrophobic due to the constant presence of the same person. Sometimes I needed solitude, just to recharge my batteries for the next day. However, in most cases, I liked his presence. With the exception of a few minor situations, I felt safe and protected. I loved his possessiveness, his constant need to love me, to touch me, to be in my presence. I enjoyed being the center of his world. And whenever I found myself into a similar situation as the previous one, somehow this affectionate side would always come out victorious. Each time I ran into his arms like a little, lost girl. I wonder if everything would have been different if the other side prevailed at least once?

"T, you have to break up with him!" I was brought back to reality by my friend's nervous voice.

"What are you talking about?" I looked up from the mirror I was holding.

"You can't seriously be that blind! Don't you see what that guy is doing?" Emma was so loud I was afraid my eardrums weren't strong enough to survive it.

"Technically, you're the one who didn't see what happened," I replied and went back to what I was previously trying to do - the most important thing at the moment, doing my makeup. Like I previously thought, it didn't take them long to get on with their lectures and rants.

"But I did and I agree with Emma," Sara added angrily from the other end of the tent. She was already dressed, seeing as she was never someone who spent much time getting ready. However, even though she was only dressed in black, ripped jeans and a long, white T-shirt paired with black boots and hair raised in a messy bun, she looked breathtaking. However, the frown on her face spoiled the magic.