This Beautiful World - Book #1 (BxB)

Chapter 33

A week went by after the incident. I stayed in my room and kept to myself. I didn't want to interact with anyone and could barely eat or sleep. What happened kept playing over and over in my head. Riley was gone now because of this fucking virus. I always knew that losing someone close to me was possible, but it never felt real until now. I deluded myself into thinking that nothing would happen to us.

On the other hand, Alex wasn't becoming a shut-in like me. When Arin and I returned in the morning and told everyone what happened, Alex also broke down. I didn't blame anyone for what happened, but he did at first. He was very vocal about it, too. While I stayed silent, Alex cursed and yelled at Xavier's group, telling them that this was all their fault. He didn't mean it, since he knew the zombies and not them caused this. After apologizing, Alex began to make himself useful around here. To stay busy and keep his mind off of Riley, Alex helped out Xavier whenever he could. He was doing this the whole time, while occasionally coming to check on me. 

I couldn't muster up the energy to help out in any way. Perhaps it would have been better to keep my mind off what happened, but I just couldn't. I chose to stay here, alone in my room. I didn't want to face the others right now. Though I knew that it was no one's fault, I felt that I would try to put the blame on someone. In reality, I knew that it was Riley's decision to go out there to help that day. But if she had just stayed here like my mother wanted us to, then she would be here with us now. 

As I was lost in my thoughts, I heard the sound of someone knocking on my door. I didn't respond, since I still wasn't in the mood to speak with anyone. I stayed silent, hoping that they would go away and leave me alone. Maybe if they thought that I was sleeping, then they would go away. 

But it seemed as though I wasn't going to get my wish. I heard my sister call out from the other side of the door, "Uh, Aiden, you have a visitor."

Caitlyn didn't wait for my response as she opened the door and let my visitor inside. I had my back turned to them as I lay there on the bed, so I didn't know who was entering my room. The door shut behind them, and I heard their footsteps as they approached me. Eventually, they sat on the bed beside me. I was a bit surprised when they lay down and put an arm around me, then pulled me into a hug. Without turning around, I already knew who it was. It hadn't been long enough to forget his embrace. 

I gently grabbed onto his hand and said, "You didn't have to come check on me. I'm fine."

"You're not fine, though. It's been a whole week and you've barely left this room. Everyone is really worried about you, especially me." Arin rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. The feeling was a bit soothing. 

"You're worried about me? Why?" Though we may have grown a bit closer, it was hard for me to believe that he was that worried about me. I was just some guy that he met during the zombie apocalypse. After what happened to one of my best friends, I was reluctant to get close to someone else. Why get close to someone when I might just end up losing them?

Arin was silent for a moment, before saying, "I guess because I like you. It would be best if you didn't stay cooped up here all by yourself. Staying alone like this isn't going to make you feel any better. While you're alone, you're probably blaming yourself for what happened. But it wasn't your fault or anyone else's."

"I know that . . ." I quietly said. But knowing that didn't make the guilt go away. "I just wonder if I did enough or if I made things harder for her by looking for her. If we would have stayed behind that day, she would still be here. I blame myself for always wanting to help, and perhaps that made Riley feel as if she should step up, too. If I stayed silent, stayed behind, and stopped trying to be a hero, then my friends and family wouldn't have to suffer."

As much as I was trying to, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I turned around in Arin's arms and cried against his chest. He held me in his embrace, letting me cry until I couldn't anymore. He pulled away slightly to wipe away the tears that had fallen down my face. I didn't let him pull his hand away. I placed mine on top of his to keep him in place. Having his hand caress my cheek felt . . . nice. It was almost enough to calm my racing nerves. 

I looked him in the eyes and asked, "Do you think I'm a good person? I'm trying so hard, but it feels like I'm the one who got my friend killed."

"Aiden, stop torturing yourself. You did nothing wrong. You didn't force Riley to help, you're not the one who did this to her. If anything, you're a wonderful person for going out there to find her. Despite the danger that you would put yourself in, you were determined to bring her home. And in her last hours, you were there for her. Seeing you brought her comfort and because of you, she didn't have to be alone. She had the chance to be with her best friend again. Not everyone has the opportunity to see loved ones before they go. And I know that Riley wouldn't want you to feel sad like this. She would want you to take care of yourself and not blame anyone for what happened, especially not yourself. So please, stop trying to take the blame," he said.

I took a deep breath to attempt to calm myself down. I didn't want to end up crying, but hearing his words almost made the tears come again. I wanted to believe that everything that I was doing was the right thing. Most importantly, I wanted to believe that I helped Riley in her final moments. Even if the only thing I could do was be there for her, I hoped that would have been enough. My friend didn't deserve to suffer as she did. 

I placed my head against Arin's chest once more and tried to find comfort in his embrace. Quietly, I said, "Thank you. And thanks for being here with me right now."

"I'll always be here for you when you need me. Now, try to relax a little bit. I'll stay with you until you feel a little better." Arin gently began to rub my back. 

I nodded and closed my eyes, taking comfort in his touch. Having him beside me right now helped more than he would ever know.