@rhodostephes Thank you, I'm repeating myself, I know, but I'm honestly very grateful for your message. Losing my dad so unexpectedly just broke something inside me, I guess? And it only led to constant denial and anger (which I'm, shamefully, not over yet) but it's the absence that hurts the most, as you said. Death - in itself - is just a momentary occurrence, it's effects just happen to be long lasting and oftentimes, more painful than the actual event.
I'm very sorry about your dad, as well. It's a horrible thing to have to go through, especially when you're a kid but I'm very glad you're able to feel him close to you and take comfort from him