What could have been.

- Chapter 24 -

Every cloud has a silver lining. Every cloud of mine tends to just pour a heavy storm that measures at its highest, leaving only the rubble and damage it’s caused behind. 

Is there always a silver lining? It can be easier said than done in most situations to find any type of silver lining, whether it be the smallest of things. My dad would always use this phrase whenever dealing with something. Whether it be a minor incident of forgetting to take the trash out, the silver lining being one less job for the garbage collectors. To him, finding any silver lining to his predicaments have become second nature. To me on the other hand, it’s become an unrealistic expectation to believe there is even the slightest of good in any situation I’ve found myself in. No matter how hard I try to find somewhat of a happy place or feeling, the last few months that have followed from that night has only brought me anger. Anger that I can’t control. I’m angry that I have been lied too. I’m angry that someone let me take the grunt of their mistake. I'm angry that no one believes me and most of all I’m angry that I’ve been cast away into the shadows, too afraid to step out even in the slightest because I know that all I will receive is judgement. None of which I'm deserving of. 

My anger has many forms. I feel anger to the point of wanting to cry yet at times I feel anger to the point of feeling almost numb by it. To the point where all I can do is lay still and wait for the fury within me to pass. The anger I feel right now is the in-between anger where I can’t bring myself to enjoy a singular moment because all I can do is think about who could be responsible. Responsible for all of the pent-up rage I have. For this reason, I’ve opted not to go to the Halloween party tonight. My excuse was that I don’t feel up to it as I've started my period. Which isn't a complete lie. I have started my period and do feel like utter shit, to say the least. If I told them that the true reason behind why I don't want to go, both Eden and Jocelyn would ditch the party to stay with me and I don’t want to ruin a night they’ve been looking forward to. 

They needed a lot of persuading to go without me. I could tell they felt guilty because of how I’ve been feeling and they don’t want to ‘abandon me’, according to Eden that’s what she perceives them going out and leaving me to wallow in my stomach cramps would mean. They finally agreed after I said that I’d be pissed if they stayed as well as adding a slight guilt trip into the mix by ensuring them, I’ll probably fall asleep which would only make me feel shittier knowing I’d slept through an evening and they stayed therefore wasting theirs.  

Being mindful of my ankle, I lift my weight so that I’m perched on the edge of the countertop in the kitchen. 

“I’m ready,” Jocelyn shouts from her bedroom.

“Me too,” Eden adds.

I hit play on the playlist and sit back, resting my hands behind me with my legs crossed, eagerly awaiting the fashion show that Eden and Jocelyn are about to give me. I have the perfect view of the corridor in front of me or what we like to call our runway. Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know? plays loudly through the speakers. As soon as the beat drops Jocelyn is the first to leave her room.

Jocelyn is dressed as Tiffany from the movie Chucky. As she struts her way up and down the corridor the heels from her ankle boots clinks perfectly against the wooden floor in tune to the beat of the instrumental of the song. Her light blue hair is hidden under an ash white wig that has been curled at the ends which hangs just above her shoulders. Jocelyn has borrowed Edens short white lace dress, wearing her cropped leather biker jacket that is zipped up at her waist to sinch in her already petite frame. Her makeup of black overlined lipstick is executed to my surprise, amazingly. The heavy dark eyeshadow and contour suits Jocelyn’s already well-defined bone structure. Her high cheekbones have a hint of highlighter on that compliments the rest of her makeup.