Eternal Moon

Chapter 29: Blood Will Have Blood

I've made a mistake.

The thought reverberated through Jamie as she jostled in the back of the wagon bed. Over and over, she recounted the reasons why she had to go back. Her family, her friends, her Masters; the list did start to thin out after that but she weighed them as pretty important. She also tried to think of her apartment, modern medicine, birth control, even the joys of Netflix and Spotify, but she couldn't shake the instinct that she had made the wrong call.

It didn't help that Shelley wasn't much company in the back with her. Malcolm and Jacob spoke occasionally but not loudly enough to include her in the conversation. Shelley seemed content to close her eyes and sleep.

Amidst the endless views of hills and moors, it was impossible for Jamie to get out of her head. Without any conversation to distract her, she had little choice but to stare out at the world she'd soon leave. The land she had come to see as home. The overcast sky swayed above like a gray sea as the sound of the horse's trotting drowned out the chirps and calls of the nearby wildlife. A light breeze periodically stirred Jamie's sweatshirt.

Nothing but her thoughts could occupy her.

It was daunting to finally see other people again, as few and far between as they were. Some farmers and a few elderly shepherds. The wagon bypassed the interstate and stuck to the old roads, local paths that ensured less traffic. It meant a slower pace but Jamie felt overwhelmed at the idea of getting back on the modern highway. And she had no interest in answering any probing questions from a nosy stranger.

That overwhelm felt like a chokehold as Jamie tried to remind herself that she had made the right decision - the sensible, logical, reasonable decision. The one that was wise and smart. Not the wishes and dreams of a lovestruck girl.

Jamie thought back to the girl she was when she was just thirteen. She didn't even recognize that girl anymore.

So many of those romantic wishes and dreams had vanished when her dad left. Watching her mom spend weeks in bed crying endlessly had killed a lot of Jamie's conceptions about marriage. Her parents had always told the kids about their chance encounter and subsequent whirlwind romance - it was a family legend. One in which Jamie and her siblings took pride and faith for most of their childhoods.

Thus, it was hard to fantasize about meeting Prince Charming and falling in love when she saw how devastated her mother was. Mom had always insisted that Dad was her soulmate. Yet twenty years later he had left her for another woman. There was no way Jamie would let herself be blindsided like that.

Of course, Jamie had been blindsided in her own way. Falling for that TA in undergrad had been a similar sort of embarrassment. It was probably part of the reason she had dated her ex. There was no chance that he was ever going to break her heart. She never loved him.

But Kane...

Jamie wiped a stray tear that fell down her cheek. Thank God Shelley was sleeping. Jamie didn't feel like adding embarrassment to her remorse and guilt.

Maybe staying would be stupid. But would it still be worth it?

She remembered a conversation with her mom shortly after her dad had left. Her mom had spent almost a week in bed, endlessly sobbing while she refused to eat or drink. Jamie had tried the hardest to get her out, deploying every method she could to convince her.

"Forget Dad," Jamie spat at her mother's back. Her mom's shuddering sobs moved Jamie's hand up and down where it rested on her mom's shoulder. "I don't want anything to do with him!"

It was so much easier to be angry than heartbroken. Hating her dad was much more manageable than grieving the end of her family as she knew it.

And she had meant it. Her relationship with her father had been irrevocably damaged.