All in my Mind

XII.

I'm actually scared of a lot of things, even if dying a virgin isn't necessarily one of them. There's plenty of real and intensely not-real things that are sure to get a panicked response out of me. I could get into a lot of them, but I won't because I'd rather not freak out. Especially because I'm standing in front of one of the stupidly big ones.

That fucking cafeteria.

I noticed recently that they'd stopped bringing me food to my room as often. I don't know when it had happened. I wasn't even sure of the motive. Maybe someone got lazy, but most likely it was a very quiet attempt to push me out into the open. I thought they all secretly wanted me to socialize, but that wasn't exactly on the agenda. The only two people I'd spoken to in months outside of staff were Zoey and Lily. I'd seen neither of them since. I was half convinced at least one of them were fake.

As it stood, I was hungry. Changing my meds to the nighttime had only taken about two days to immediately disrupt my chaos. I'd slept through the nights almost against my will, and I'd woken up in the morning with that basic morning ache of hunger. Since I was now awake through most of the morning, it progressed to a heavy stomach cramp by lunch. Nobody had brought me a cute plastic cup of pills  in the morning, which meant nobody had brought me food to go with it either.

It seemed very intentional.

Reasonably, I could probably have asked for food. I could push the button, and someone nice like Nurse Taylor would answer. I could request she come back with sustenance. She'd probably have that little pleased smile when she arrived. Since I didn't want to see that, I'd left the room barefoot in the same pajamas I'd worn for days, and I'd started for the cafeteria instead.

But now that I was positioned a few steps down the hall with my eyes locked on the open doorway, I was actually considering another bout of prolonged starvation. I couldn't help it. The space was just so menacing.

It didn't help that the last time I'd set foot into that room, my hand had been very unceremoniously broken. That was my fault... but still.

Despite the way I was clamming up at the simple thought of walking in, my thoughts were at least clear. Things were quiet for once. They had been that way since I'd woken up that morning. A rare, but very appreciated, occurrence. I thought that if I was going to get an opportunity to eat in peace, this was it. I had to use it.

I was considering leaving anyways.

Maybe I could just go in, grab food, and leave? Would anybody stop me if I tried to walk out with a tray? Silverware was the issue right? That had the most potential for harm, but it was literally all plastic anyways. I could just go without. I would easily do that if it meant they'd leave me alone.

I felt ridiculous for having to talk my way through it like that, but the hum of voices beyond the door was almost too much. It's loud. It's present. It's too real and imposing.

"Are you going in there? Please tell me you're going in."

I cringed very visibly at the sound of that voice. For a moment, dread flooded me. My first instinct wasn't to assume that an actual person was talking to me. I turned around fully expecting to see a familiar imaginary figure or nothing at all, but when my eyes focused in I was faced with a real flesh and blood person.

Lily was standing there in what looked like baggy sweats and another oversized sweatshirt. Her eyes were fixed on me in an odd expression of hopefulness. She was smiling again in that really friendly way she had the last time. She didn't even looked bothered that I'd flinched like her presence was terrifying.

"What?" I asked, even though I'd definitely heard her.

"The cafeteria," she clarified, completely undeterred. Why did she keep showing up like this? Did she think we were friends? We weren't. "Were you going in? I don't like going there alone."