Floating at Night

6. Almost Grieving

Two years earlier...

Ali put more syrup on her pancakes as we sat in silence. We don't talk much these days. She deserves a better friend than me. All I want to do is mope around and ignore the fact that I've lost over a year of my life to this depression.

It could be worse. I could be on drugs.

"I want you to get out of the house more," she said, taking a large bite of her pancakes. I nodded my head. She's been saying the same thing the past few weeks. "I know." She didn't say anything else.

Then sun set on another day and I still haven't felt it. I haven't felt the joy that I used to feel. The joy that was ripped from my arms when Baker left me in a hospital room alone to grieve the loss of our child. By myself.

"You want to go to the party down by the lake? David just texted and invited us..." Ali shoved her phone in my face to show me the text. I haven't been around a lot of people since before Baker left. Before the attack, really. "Sure." I heard the answer fall from my lips and questioned whether or not it truly came from me. But after I looked into her pleading eyes, it was hard to not give in.

It's just a party.

The mass of bodies centered around the bonfire. I didn't even know there were this many people in this podunk town. "Look, I'm going to talk to David. Are you going to be okay by yourself?" I nodded, sipping on my lukewarm beer. "Hi." I meet the eyes of a tall handsome man. I could make his facial features out from the glow of the fire, and he was indeed attractive. "Hi." I took a step closer to the fire and further from him, he didn't seem to pick up on my lack of interest. "My name's Justin. I just moved back here." I nodded my head. "Thank you, Justin. For that unwanted information."

Justin didn't take the hint that I was very, very uninterested in his small talk. "Hey, who's this?" Ali asked, sauntering up next to me with David a step behind her. "Uh, Justin. He just moved here apparently. He talks a lot." Justin held his hand out, shaking Ali and David's hands. "Well, thanks for keeping her company man, we got it." David stood between me and the tall and handsome stranger. Justin looked at me, almost as if asking if I was okay. I gave him a smile before he said a quick goodbye and walked away.

"What'd you do that for?" Ali asked, shoving David. "Because he was obviously hitting on her," David huffed. I stared blankly at Ali as she fumbled to figure out why in the hell my ex-boyfriend's best friend would scare away potential suitors. "Ali, you're not this slow." She looked at me wildly as I waited on her to put the pieces together. "In David's mind, I'm still Baker's girl." Shock covered her face, then anger. "You son of a bitch. He fucking left her in pieces and you have the nerve to go around as if he is just waiting for her at home?" She was letting into him in a way that almost made me pity him.

Almost.

The walk home was quiet, which I loved. The crickets were chirping, mosquitos buzzing. The only noise was our feet crunching on the gravel. I dreaded the second it ended. The second Ali made me talk about something, about anything, when none of it even mattered. What did it matter if I had a good day? Does it really make her feel that good about herself that she can ask about my day and act like I'm not lying when I say it was okay?

As if reading my mind, she started to speak. "Look, we don't have to talk about tonight. I'm exhausted and ready to crawl into bed with a soft blanket." I grinned, her evil plan is working. "If that's your way of using reverse psychology, it isn't working." She laughed. "I'm not. I'm serious. I'm just glad you're trying." She patted my back as we entered the house, parting ways down the hall.

Just as I laid my head on my pillow, an image creeped into my mind that I really didn't want. Justin's cheeky grin, it was tattooed on my brain. "Fuck," I mumbled. His deep voice warmed my soul as I thought about it. There was no denying that the man was sexy as hell.

He wasn't as attractive as Baker.

The thought was invading my mind before I could stop it. My mind was tracing the lines of Baker's long but forgotten image. Back and forth. His kind eyes, the nose he inherited from his father, then his lips.

Oh what I would do to feel those lips again.

Before I could stop myself I was getting out of the bed. I snuck out quietly. Praying Ali wouldn't hear me and wake up.
I walked down to the peer across the road. It's a public peer in a very private town. So why is there a tall, stranger standing at the end of it?
"Hi," I mumbled. I looked up at a familiar face, thanking God suddenly that it wasn't someone else. Anyone else. "Hey, Noelle right?" I smiled back as the boys name popped into my mind. "Justin! Oh I didn't recognize you from earlier!" We laughed as we talked. I sat on the edge of the peer throughout the night.
There were a few moments throughout tonight when I thought about kissing him.
But I held back.
There is no reason to pull anyone into this dark place with me. Maybe one day I'll be ready. But not now.

Ali ran and jumped in my bed, waking probably the entire neighborhood when she screamed my name. "Noelle Page! You are in trouble!" I swung my arm at the sudden movement and almost caught her on the cheek. "You're so lucky you have fast reflexes." I huffed as I got out of bed, ignoring whatever the hell she was talking about.
"I saw you last night. You stayed up for hours talking to that guy at the peer." She was so excited. "It's not like I'm engaged or anything, mom. Let's calm down." She slapped my arm playfully. There was a silence settled between us. She knew it was a big step for me to willingly talk to someone new, especially a guy.

I knew it and she knew it.

"So, did you tell him about anything from... you know... before?" I looked down. "No." I could tell she was disappointed. "What do you want me to tell him, Ali? Anything I say could scare him away and I think it'll be good to have him around." She nodded. I don't think she likes it, but she understands.
"Well, David ran into him at the store and he asked David for your number so." My eyes almost fell out of their sockets, I'm sure of it. "What? Did he give it to him?" Ali shrugged, walking away nonchalantly. "Ali! Did he give him my number?" As soon as the words left my mouth I got a phone call.

"Hello?" I answered. "Hey gorgeous. It's David. I hope you don't mind but I got your number from your buddy. David, I think." His voice had just the right amount of southern charm. "What'd you want my number for anyhow?" I heard him stutter on the other end as he answered me. "W-well... how am I supposed to call on ya' if I don't have your number?" He asked. I smiled to myself. Ali is probably listening in the other room.
"So, how about it?" He asked. "How about what?" I answered patiently. "A date? This Saturday?" He asked. I tried to come up with an excuse, falling short of anything plausible. All I could think of was that I had to babysit, and there are no babies in my family.
"Sure. I'd love to go out with you this Saturday." I could practically see the shit eating grin covering his face. Atleast that's how it looked in my mind.
"I'll see you then, Noelle."