Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer

Part 65

65

"Right, time to go to your physio appointment," I said, slipping an arm under her knees and another behind her back, so I could lift Caitlin from her seat. The early morning sun shone brightly through the window behind me, casting my shadow over her.

"Put me down." Her voice was cold with fury as she struggled. Agoraphobia, I thought, as I hesitated. She doesn't want to leave the house now. "Now, Nathan." She'd never used this tone on me before – I'd only heard it in her nightmares. I did as I was told, reseating her on the couch.

I crouched in front of her, trying to meet her eyes as I spoke. "Angel, I'm only trying to help you. Everyone's trying to help you. The doctors, the physio, even me. I want to help you – "

She hooked her arms around my neck, her face so close, looking into my eyes. She cut me off mid-sentence. "If you want to help me so much, don't carry me. Help me to walk."

"But yesterday, you hurt yourself. You shouldn't overdo it and I can't stand to see you in pain like that…"

"I'll walk on my own damn feet or I'm not going," she insisted.

Unwillingly, I helped her to her feet. My arm around her waist, her arm around my shoulder.

I watched her face, that look of fierce determination, then the pain she battled to hide as she took a step. I looked away, unable to watch. I'm helping her hurt herself. Again. Oh God…

Out the front door, down the steps, down the driveway to my car. Small steps, slow steps, but she was almost there.

Maybe two metres from the car, she stopped, swung her body around and clung to me. Now I couldn't help but see the tears streaming down her face. "I can't," she gasped. "It hurts too much."

Now I thought she'd let me lift her up and carry her the rest of the way. I leaned down to sweep her legs up, but Caitlin moved closer to me so I couldn't.

 "They've taken everything from me. I can't even walk. Walk to the car!" Her voice came out sounding slightly hysterical.

I turned her around, carefully, to face the front door. "They didn't take anything from you. Look how far you've come. Tomorrow, you'll get further. You get better every day. They're not here. They can't get anywhere near you. It's like you keep saying. Keep fighting. Don't let them win now."

She relaxed and wiped her eyes with her fingers. "Thank you." Her arms wrapped around me in a brief hug of gratitude that was over before I was aware of what she was doing.

Then she gritted her teeth, clutching my arm so hard her nails dug into my skin, and took those last agonising steps to the car.

I felt the tiny trickle of my own warm blood as it crept down my arm, but I didn't make a sound. Caitlin was hurting worse than I was and she'd pass out from the pain before she'd permit the scream to escape her teeth. How could I do any less?