Face The Music

Lost

 As that pill got closer and closer to my mouth, I felt worse and worse. I put my hand down and closed my first around the pill, then dropped it on the floor.

"What the actual hell are you doing?" Hudson asked.

"I'm not doing it," I said.

"Bitch, we made a promise to each other, and we agreed to get rid of it. There is no way I'm messing up my nails changing gross ass poopy diapers and getting thrown up on. You can't possibly want that."

"I don't know what I want to do in the future, but I know that I don't want this," I said.

"Do you need to take a few more minutes to think this over?" Doctor Graves asked.

"No. I just want to go home," I said.

"Okay. That's fine. Here in New York, you have up to twenty weeks to end the pregnancy, so you can always come back after you think things through," Doctor Graves said.

"Can you just go get another pill and give us a couple minutes?" Hudson asked.

"No. I don't want to do this!" I said. "And I'm not coming back."

"You're literally delusional, Denali! I can't believe you want to ruin both of our lives like this!" Hudson said. "This is literally not happening right now. I cannot believe how selfish you're being! Once a rich bitch, always a rich bitch, it seems." I took the cup of water and threw it all over him. He huffed and started to storm out, but stopped at the door. "Good luck being a single mom, since you want to keep it so badly! I'm not doing jack shit for that kid!"

I watched as he went down the door and stomped down the hall in his boots. I turned my attention back to Doctor Graves, who was shaking her head.

"If that's how he's going to act, do you really want a baby in that kind of environment? Being a single mom is no walk in the park, sweetie," she said.

"I said what I said. My mind is made up. I'd like to get changed and leave."

"You're absolutely, a hundred percent sure that this is the decision you want to make?"

"I don't know what's gonna happen, but I know I'm not taking those pills," I said.

Doctor Graves let out a long sigh. "Okay, but just know this: I've seen a lot of other girls like you. They're young, they feel like they can't do it, and they leave. They carry the pregnancy to term, and they're single mothers. Then they come back to me a few years later, they get the actual abortion that time. They always tell me, 'Doctor Graves, I wish I'd done this the first time. Having a baby so young was the worst mistake of my life.'"

I didn't answer her. I didn't want to. She walked out of the room after that, so I got changed. I hung my head low as I walked through the halls and out the lobby of the clinic. When I opened the doors, the protestors were off to the side, shouting all kinds of things.

"You made a mistake!"

"God will always forgive the sin of your abortion!"

"You murdered your baby, you monster!"

I turned to face them all, my hands balled up into fists. It was eleven in the morning and I was done taking shit from people today.

"Shut up! I didn't go through with it!" I shouted back at them.

They were quiet for a second, then some of them started hugging each other.

"Praise Jesus!"

"We did it! We changed her mind!"

"That's one baby we saved today!"

I rolled my eyes and headed back to my car. When I sat down, I couldn't hold back anymore. There was too much going on right now, and I was reeling from what happened with Hudson. I rarely ever saw him like that, and we'd never had a fight this bad before. I didn't know if we were even going to stay friends after all this, let alone raise a baby.

Wait, raise a baby? Maybe I could go with adoption? Maybe I...I just need to get out of here.

I put on my blinker, pulled away from the curb, and started speeding out of this hellhole. I took the day off from school, but I couldn't go home. Right now I literally just needed to see my mom, and I was going to bust right into her office like every other time when I was having a mental breakdown.

I drove ten minutes over to her office and pulled into two spots in the parking lot because I didn't care to fix it. Mental breakdown. No time. I rushed up the steps and into the door. The lobby was empty. It was peak appointment time, so all the patients were in their designated rooms with their designated provider.

"Oh, hi Denali! How...are you?" asked little Josie at the front desk. Her expression changed once she got a good look at my face. "Your mom just went into surgery a few minutes ago."

I walked right past her, through the door to the hallway, and around the corner, hearing the whir of something in the hygiene rooms as I made my way toward the operatories. I saw my mom in the one on the left, dressed in all her gear as the patient was fully reclined back in the chair. She was concentrated, hard at work.

I saw her assistant, Rose, giving me hand signals and shaking her head. She didn't like it when surgeries were interrupted. But guess what? I didn't like it when I had to make a hard decision and my baby's father didn't support me.

I stopped myself at that moment. That thought. My...baby? It hit me that I really did have a little human growing inside me, didn't I?

My mom looked up for just a second, and when she saw me, she instantly had Rose take out the suction and sat the patient back up. She set her loops and her face shield down before telling the patient that they were going to break for a minute and she'd be right back.

"What happened? Are you okay?" she asked as she came out the door. I shook my head. She led me into her office, shut the door, and sat me down. "Why aren't you home? Why are you so upset?"

"I...I...couldn't do it, Mom," I said. She didn't answer. "I saw it on the screen. I don't have it in me to get rid of it. I'm chicken."

She unbuttoned her scrubs, set them aside, and hugged me in the t-shirt and shorts she had on underneath them.

"I'm sorry, Deni. I know it's scary. Are you sure this is what you want to do?"

"Everyone keeps saying that. Yes. It's what I want to do. I don't know if I wanna keep it or put it up for adoption, but I know that I don't have the guts to get rid of it. It has a head and arms and little stumpy legs and it's moving," I said, trying to catch my breath. "And Hudson said he's not gonna be there for me. I got pissed at him and he stormed out because I said I wasn't going through with the abortion."

"Well at least you have me, and you have the whole rest of the family, too. You know we'll always be here for you, no matter what you do. I'll call your aunt and set up an appointment for you there. Oh, and I'll grab some prenatal vitamins on the way home. You just get back and relax, okay?" she said. I nodded. "I need to get back to my patient. Do you want to take a few minutes to calm down?"

"No. I'm good to head back," I said.

I left to open the door and found all of the office staff standing out there. All these girls had known me since I was little, and they looked like they'd just overheard every single thing I'd said.