"I'd let you break my heart a million times until we get it right."
In which; Daphne promised herself to stay away from Caitlin, the girl who broke her heart and left her alone in the middle of the night. She moved across the country just to stay a...
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"Come back and tell me why, I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time"
daphne
present; narrative
Apologies are hard, especially when it technically isn't your fault. It had been a few days since the football game and guilt was just eating at me. I knew Caitlin took criticism pretty badly, but I couldn't imagine how she was feeling when it was Dakota doing it. A person she once loved and trusted with her life. Of course I knew where my brother was coming from, he wanted to look out for me because of the way I spiraled after the breakup. They both had reasoning for very stupid decisions but at the end of the day Caitlin didn't deserve that, especially now when we were supposed to be getting along for everyone else's sake.
I took a look in the mirror a final time, running a hand through my hair that was now fading from the dark brown color. I hated the dark brown, it wasn't me but for some reason I couldn't stop. Being blonde reminded me of Caitlin and all the memories we had when she loved my blonde hair. Any time I noticed the blonde start to peak through I dyed it once again, trying to keep those memories from creeping in.
I picked up my car keys, taking a deep breath to stop myself from chickening out and walking to my car. I chose to drive in silence, something I'd been doing more often since I couldn't seem to think properly with it anymore, and since moving back here everything reminded me of Caitlin. It's like she followed me everywhere, I would randomly smell her perfume in class and suddenly be brought back to the windy Saturdays I spent curled up in her clothes with her. I would see her favorite flower in passing, see her favorite color, everything and it's almost like every time I checked the time it ended in 22.
The drive was short, like everywhere on campus and I was starting to hate it. I sat in my car for a few minutes, trying to figure out how I was even meant to do this but when the nerves suddenly disappeared and were replaced with that overwhelming sense of guilt I knew I couldn't wait here any longer. I walked up to the apartment, knocking softly, in case I might be disturbing anything.
"Daph, what are you doing here?" Kate opened the door, hugging me tightly in the process but also seeming very confused. She knew that I was aware that Caitlin lived with her, and it wasn't like me to just show up unannounced.
"Well I was kind of hoping I could talk to Caitlin?" My voice was hesitant, it's like I was trying to confirm if she actually lived here. Kate's face dropped slightly but she picked it back up, returning to her usual playful smile.
"You know I don't think that's the best idea, she's been in a mood these past few days." Kate's tone dropped to a whisper. Obviously I knew Caitlin would be in a mood, she had every right to be but that was exactly why I came.
"That's ok, I really need to talk to her." I practically begged, Kate seemed cautious but gave in, sighing slightly.
"Cait, someone's here for you." She screamed before giving me a small smile and walking away. The door was still slightly open and from my spot outside of the apartment I could see Caitlin walk out of her room and swing open the front door. She didn't look very impressed that I was on the other side, in fact she looked annoyed. She didn't invite me in like she usually did, instead she held the door very tightly next to her. She also didn't say anything, just looked at me and waited until I did.
"Hey I just wanted to check on you after what happened at the game." I tried to keep my sentences short because the way she was staring me down was making me feel even smaller, like soon I would fall into the floor and the whole building would collapse on top of me. She still didn't respond so I decided to just say everything and if she still had nothing to say then I had my answer.
"You know my brother, he's overprotective and tries to act mean but he really isn't. He will always care about you deep down and I'm sorry about the stuff he said."
It was a short apology, mostly because I shouldn't be the one apologizing and I swore to never apologize to Caitlin again but knowing how stubborn my brother was he would never apologize to Caitlin. He would always get into fights with people and slowly come back into their lives until it felt normal, all without apologizing. She continued staring at me, I could see her analyzing my words in her head and all I wanted was for her to speak, even if I wouldn't like it I just wanted to know what the hell was going on in her head.
"Were you happy when we were together?" I almost fell back at her words, that had nothing to do with what I was here for and it honestly wasn't a conversation I wanted to have right now, in the hallway of this building.
"Of course I was Caitlin." I gave her the honest answer, no matter how many times we fought I was still the happiest person when I was with Caitlin. Even years later I haven't been able to find that same joy no matter how much I desperately searched for it. What I had with Caitlin could never be found again, I would never be able to feel it with anyone else and that's why I couldn't get into relationships, no one made me feel like she did.
"The most important thing Dakota ever told me was that if I wasn't happy with us to just end it, not drag it out and end up hurting you more. I did it then because I lost that spark with you and I'm doing it now."
I wasn't a genius that could be like her voice went up by 1 decibel so she's lying. Caitlin was never a liar as far as I knew. So I believed what she was saying to my face right now.
"Oh, ok" I tried to ignore how my stomach dropped again, even when I still didn't forgive her she still managed to kick me out of her life again. I wouldn't beg for my spot, and I tried to keep the smile on my face but all I could feel was the deja vu when I checked my voicemail that night.
"That's it?" She asked, confused, now she was really getting on my nerves. I don't beg, even after we broke up as much as I wanted to beg for her back I didn't. I blocked her on everything and tried to let it go.
"What do you want Caitlin? I didn't sit around and beg for you then, what makes you think I would now over this? We're not even friends." I know it was petty to use her back then vs now analogy but every built up emotion I had towards her was coming out. We never got to argue when we broke up, we didn't get to argue when we got parent-trapped by Kate, now was the time and we were both taking full advantage of it.
"I just don't like having you in my life, you make everything feel wrong." She struggled to find a word to end her sentence but wrong was the worst one she could've picked. It was her idea to pretend to be ok for everyone else. She stayed with me for 2 years. If I was making her life so miserable she should've left earlier and saved me a lot of time.
"Trust me, I didn't want you back in mine. All I was trying to do was be nice to everyone at this stupid ass school where everyone seems to worship the ground you walk on." I raised my voice now, I didn't care if people heard us, maybe they would know how much of an asshole their beloved Caitlin Clark was.
"Then go back to New York Daphne, I'll pay for your flight at this point." Was she actually serious? I loved her when she was just Caitlin, before people knew her name all over the country or chased her down desperate to get an autograph. I loved her then.
"You are the most unbelievable person I've ever met. Dakota was right, you're just a selfish, cocky, stuck up person. I'm glad we broke up in the first place." I didn't mean most of what I said the second it came out of my mouth. I was angry at her and sick of her getting to hurt me, as bad as it sounds I wanted to hurt her.
"I wish we never even dated Daphne. It feels like a chore going out of my way to make sure you're ok. Get over it, it's been 2 years." Caitlin's voice was filled with anger. I had never really heard her get that mad before, especially at me but again she won, she always hurt me more.
"Don't worry about me anymore Clark, you won't be seeing me around." I scoffed in her face, I can't believe I came here to apologize and just got this. I walked away and I heard Caitlin slam the door shut. I looked up, not letting the tears that filled my eyes fall. She was not allowed to make me cry twice.
I walked back to my car, certain that I never wanted to see Caitlin's face ever again, hopefully she would graduate early or move to a different continent.
