Buzzy Bee's

Chapter 7

Kassie and Mel were dragging as they went through the motions of opening the bakery. The routine was familiar after a year. Lately, it has become even easier. Meg and Tina did a lot of the prep work before closing the night before. Soon, they would be able to open in the morning. Kassie was looking forward to the days when she didn't have to wake up before dawn to help Mel bake and praying the whole time she didn't ruin a batch of something.

Most of the time the kitchen was filled with noise in the morning. The girls would sing loudly along to the music or they would thoroughly discuss whatever topic popped into their heads. But every so often the kitchen was quiet. The music was down low enough that the words were only an indistinguishable mutter. They moved through the kitchen without talking, knowing each other well enough to navigate around each other.

Each of the girls had their own reasons for the silence. Mel was brought to silence by anger. There were days when Mel was so filled with wrath and spite that she didn't speak because she knew her words were armed to kill. Kassie was familiar with fury. She could see it tightly coiled around Mel when she got into the car. She could see the sharpness in Mel's eyes, the set of her face. She knew when to give her space. Not space away from Kassie, just space to be angry. Space where her anger was valid, where she could work through it and not push it under a rug and ignore it.

Mel bore scars from her childhood but the most damning was not being allowed to feel. Her dad would push and push Mel to the point of breaking and then mock her for it. He would dig his heels in and spit passive aggressive comments at her until she screamed or cried and then punished her for it.

Even Mel's mother left scars. Mel loved her mother. She watched her father tear apart his wife, each year chipping off another piece. Mel would rage, begging her mom to leave or to hate her husband the way Mel hated her dad. Instead, her mom would stay and would ask Mel to not be so angry and to understand her father's point of view. To give him another chance. They left no room for Mel's anger.

Mel needed space to feel and process her anger. She had told Kassie that sometimes she is so filled with fury and she wouldn't even know why. She needed time to process it. Kassie knew from experience that if she pushed Mel at this stage that Mel would strike with incredible accuracy. Her words would be laced with venom and they would hit every weak spot Kassie had. So instead she let Mel be angry. She gave her the space to sort through her feelings and be a sounding board if she needed to talk.

Kassie was not filled with rage that forced her mute. She was filled with overwhelming despair. When she was in a depressive episode she stopped caring about everything. She wouldn't eat or drink. She stopped taking care of herself or her relationships. She got out of bed to work and if she stopped doing that then Clarke or Mel would know it had reached a critical level. Kassie was silent because she was overcome with such terrible self-loathing, so thick she could feel it setting in her bones and dragging her down. She didn't speak because she didn't feel like her words have any merit. That if she spoke, whoever heard would agree that she was pitiful and useless.

Mel understood the best she could. Their rage and depression existed separately from each other but the toll they took was comparable so each girl made room for the other.

Luckily for everyone involved, both girls were not in the middle of an episode. Kassie was feeling her baseline for depression, nothing more. Mel was stewing in anger. Kassie could see it in the tight grip she had on the pan as she walked it to the oven. The obsessive need to clean and for everything to be in its place. The perfectionist tendencies reached a new level when Mel was on the warpath.

It was going to be a long day.

***

She had a message from Aaron when she checked her phone mid-morning.

Aaron Adams: Good morning Kassandra. I hope you have a lovely day.

She scrolled up and saw the unanswered messages she sent. Now that he had messaged her and the anxiety was quieted, it was easy to explain away. People get busy. He had a job and a life all independent from her.

***

Her shift was over but she was still at B's. Mel left immediately without saying anything to Kassie. It was safe to say she was still filled with silent rage. Kassie wasn't ready to go home yet so she ate lunch on one of the couches in the bookstore.

Kassie Harris: I think I need a life

Kassie Harris: Or a hobby

Aaron Adams: Why do you say that? I think you live a fulfilling life.

Kassie Harris: I have the afternoon off but I'm bumming it at work

Aaron Adams: Why is that?

Kassie Harris: Mel left and I didn't have anything better to do lol

Aaron Adams: Is it normal for you to depend on Melody in that way?

Her nose wrinkled at the wording. She took a big bite of scone.

Kassie Harris: I wouldn't say I am dependent on her

Aaron Adams: You did say that you are doing nothing because Melody is occupied.

Kassie Harris: I wouldn't say that's dependent

Aaron Adams: How often are you participating in events or activities without Melody?

She took an aggressive bite of her scone. Not very often.

Aaron Adams: How often does Melody go out and do things without you?

She finished her scone and took a deep sip of tea. The answer was pretty often. Mel had a pretty busy life aside from Kassie.

Kassie Harris: I don't think wanting to be with Mel is such a bad thing

Aaron Adams: I apologize, Kassandra, I didn't mean to push the subject or upset you. I was merely making an observation.

Kassie Harris: it's fine I can see what you saying

Aaron Adams: Why don't you try going out or spending time apart from Melody? You might find the independence refreshing.

***

So she tried. After another near-silent opening shift with Mel, Kassie went out. Alone. She went to a few stores and ran some errands. She got lunch but didn't want to sit inside a Taco Bell and eat alone. So she sat in her car alone and ate Taco Bell. She grabbed a drink and took a walk in her favorite park. After a few minutes, she stood alone in the middle of the trail.

"This is stupid." She declared to the trees.

The park was beautiful in the fall. The tree-lined trail was spotted with orange and red. The colored leaves fell from the trees in soft rustles. They descended in slow spirals all around her and Kassie just felt alone. She turned around and walked back to her car. The leaves crunched beneath her feet.