Breaking J.A.C.I.E. (All Time Low Fanfiction | Jack Barakat)

Day 4: Survive My Own Mind

Things were starting to feel a little normal again. They weren't yet, but we had started making large steps in the right direction. Finally giving ourselves the space to talk was doing us good. We'd set up a little makeshift studio with Jack's guitar, my keyboard, a microphone and my laptop. One thing that always brought us closer together was music.

The atmosphere in the cabin was feeling lighter, the music letting us convery things that words and actions couldn't. For the first time since I left London, there was a creative energy, reminiscent of the times when it was a shared passion.

I had the guitar in my hands, strumming the chords to one of the songs we had been creating. Our ideas were plentiful. We were zipping between different chord progressions and lyrics that communicated the experiences we were going through. There was still so much to resolve but also so much we wanted to share.

Yet again, we were on the couch in the living room, which still acted as my bed at night. But for once, it didn't seem to be filled with sorrow. There was a spark that made it feel hopeful and alive.

Jack watched as I tried to hum a melody over the instrument, occasionally breaking to go back a few measures. The music was acting as a single thread weaving through the fractured rips in our relationship.

"That sounds good," Jack commented, as I managed to finish a line we had been trying to write.

"Hang on," I pushed the guitar into Jack's lap and leaned forward to pick up my laptop from the coffee table.

We weren't necessarily writing songs to record them, but there was a specific sound in my head that I wanted to try to replicate. The software was already open, I just had to go through the effects I could put on the guitar to make it do what I wanted. I bit my bottom lip as I looked through the options. Eventually, I selected one to see if it would work.

As I was changing some of the settings, Jack played a note on the guitar. My laptop emitted the weirdest noise from its speakers as loud as it possibly could. It sounded like the wobble of a ball made of jelly. There was no way to really describe it.

Jack's eyes went wide and he quickly put down the guitar on the coffee table as if he had made a horrible mistake. I just burst out with laughter, my fingers pausing on my laptop's keyboard as I clutched my stomach. Jack joined in, his laughter filling the room, a rare and welcome sound that echoed with shared joy.

"Okay, that's not what I meant to do," I managed to say between fits of laughter.

Jack continued chuckling as well. "Maybe we've just discovered the next big genre: wobble rock."

"Can we call our next project that?"

Our laughter continued to resonate throughout the room. It was a genuine moment of shared happiness that we hadn't felt in months, soothing the wounds we had been trying to heal. I found myself looking at Jack with a warmth that had been absent for far too long. He caught my gaze, a tender smile playing on his lips.

Our laughter started to subdue, Jack's gaze helding an intensity that mirrored my own hesitations. The atmosphere was starting to shift. Tension was nudging us towards a line that would need to be crossed.

Without thinking, I pushed the laptop off my lap and closed the gap between us, my lips seeking his in a tentative kiss. Jack melted into it, cupping my cheek as I crawled closer. The kiss deepened, an exploration of uncharted territory. I straddled Jack's lap, his hands finding their way to the small of my back, drawing me closer.

But as the kiss intensified, a surge of emotions overwhelmed me. The warmth, the familiarity, it was both comforting and disconcerting. I realised what we were leading ourselves into, what we could end up doing, and all I could think of was the past two months and how so much had changed.

As quickly as the kiss had begun, I harshly pulled away. The physical boundaries of intimacy, which we had once continued to push, felt so foreign. I took a step back, my breath catching as I sought to make sense of the swirling emotions.

"Jacie?" Jack's voice held a mixture of concern and confusion, his hands still on my back.

I held up a hand and shook my head, a silent plea for a moment to collect my thoughts. But my mind was racing and nothing made sense. Without a word, I stood up and retreated to the bedroom, locking myself up in the bathroom.

I tried to steady my breathing, the echo of the kiss still lingering on my lips. All I wanted the past few weeks was to return to intimate moments with Jack. But all I could think of was the rejection. Four days earlier, he was pushing me away under the romance of the night sky.

I caught my reflection in the mirror, immediately diverting my gaze to the tiled floor. My eyes were already red and my skin was looking puffy. In frustration, I aggressively rubbed my eyes. My thoughts were so chaotic, echoing off the cold walls in the bathroom.

My hands trembled as I leaned against the door, sliding down its surface. I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and change it all: change the way I just abandoned Jack, change the way I handled Jack's silence, change the way I dealt with the pain, hell, even change the moment I got pregnant in the first place.

"Jacie?" Jack's voice penetrated through the door, a mix of concern and confusion lingering in the air.

The echo of the laughter we had shared, the warmth of the kiss, and the memories of the past two months collided like a tumultuous storm within me. I pressed my hands against my temples, as if trying to physically contain the whirlwind of emotions inside my head.

"Are you okay?" Jack attempted again.

I took a deep breath, attempting to regain some semblance of composure, but the words weren't coming out. My mind was a battlefield, torn between the desire for intimacy and the fear of repeating past hurts. I felt so trapped. I was stuck in a web of desires, fears, and unresolved issues.

"Well, if you're not going to answer me, I'm going to wait right out here," Jack announced.

What followed was the sound of him sliding down the other side of the door. All that separated us was a thin wood surface. I could almost feel the heat radiating from his body. I knew I shouldn't have retreated into the solitude of the room. We were trying to figure this out together. I just desperately wanted a moment of silence. But I wasn't getting it.

I held my legs tightly to my chest as I reached out for the lock, turning it open again. My fingers curled around the handle and I pulled down. Jack shifted when he felt the door pushing against his back, letting me open it just enough for us to look at each other.

"I thought I was ready," I admitted, my voice breaking the silence. "But everything is so different now. I'm different."

"Hey, I was just making out with my beautiful wife, nothing else," he repeated the words I had told him on our first night here, making me feel more heard than ever before. He exhaled and leaned his head against the doorpost. "I'm not ready yet either, Jace."

"I'm scared."

"I'm scared too," his voice was a gentle murmur. "I never thought it would be this hard. You know that having sex with you is one of my favourite hobbies."

I couldn't help but chuckle softly. "Yeah."

"Maybe we're expecting too much of ourselves too soon."

I nodded, a sense of relief washing over me. "Yeah, maybe we are."

He held a hand out for me. "Will you at least get off the cold bathroom floor?"

I accepted the gesture, gently putting my hand in his.