Enamour [boyxboy]

Chapter 39 - Out Loud

           

Chapter 39

Out Loud

•Ethan's POV•

"Ethan, please?" America begs.

I listen to her slide down the door into a sitting position, accepting defeat. She's been outside that door for at least ten minutes. I doubt she plans to leave anytime soon.

"At least say something," she says. She's starting to get annoyed now; ten minutes without a single reply, except for the initial "go away" when she first got here.

"No," I say, just to throw her a bone.

"Har har, Ryder." She pauses for a second. "Please just talk to me."

I shift on the bed, rolling over so I'm facing the blind-covered window. I figure if I face the window it's not as if I'm directly telling her, even with a closed door between us. I've been in here since I got back from Tyler's, with the window and blinds closed – besides having to go to the bathroom.

"I don't want to talk about it, it hurts too much," I admit to her. Maybe that will settle her for a bit.

She huffs. I was wrong. "I didn't want to have to admit it, I was hoping you would tell me anyway, you know, being your best friend and all." She pauses for a minute again, obviously try to guilt trip me into saying it, but the moment I say it out loud, admit to it, is the moment it becomes real, the moment the betrayal becomes real. But I've already figured out what she's going to say next. "Tyler called me after he dropped you home, I know what happened."

A sigh escapes my lips.

"Can we at least talk about it?"

"I told you, I don't want to talk about it."

The tears come then. From thinking of how, despite what Jake had done to me, I betrayed him. It felt that way – like petty revenge. 

"I was vulnerable," I admit to America, my voice muffled and quiet by the duvet and pillows I have buried myself in, in an attempt to escape the shit-show my life has turned to in the last two weeks.

"I know," America says. She sounds like she's hurt just as much as I am, like she's on the verge of tears. "I'm not judging you. I hope you know that."

It warms my heart to know she doesn't care, but I care.

"Besides," she says. Her voice is perkier, an attempt to belittle the dooming situation. "You guys only made out."

"I know, but what if I didn't stop myself? I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"But you did stop, Ethan. That's what counts; you stopped because you were thinking of him."

She doesn't need to say his name for me to know she's talking about Jake.

Jake.

Jake. Jake. Jake.

Everything is about Jake. My entire world had been consumed by his gorgeous hazel eyes and blonde hair and dimple-y grin. But then it was ripped away – because he wasn't considerate, because he wasn't thinking of me.

He was being selfish.

But if someone asked me right now if I would trade everything in the world for him, I'd say yes without hesitating.

Because I still love him.

I get out bed, untangling myself from the mess of duvets and pillows, walk over to the door, unlock it and open it.

America is standing there. I don't know when she got back up off the floor. She has tears her eyes, while mine are already streaming down my cheeks. She wraps me in a hug so tight and warm.

"I still love him, America." I sob.

"I know, and I think he still loves you." She pauses, lets me sob two or three more times. "You're going to think I'm crazy by suggesting this but ... what if you talk to him? No one knows the full story – or his side of the story. Just hear him out, maybe it'll ease your pain."

She's right. Maybe it's finally time to talk to him, hear him out, let him explain whatever it is he needs to explain to me.

We stay there, hugging each other tight, giving me time to sob.

The sobs have subsided, and the tears are less frequent when she pulls away and rests her forehead on mine and stares in dead in the eyes.

"As much as I don't want to leave you, I have a baby at home to take care of that needs feeding in half an hour, and you have a phone call to make."

I nod. My heart aching, I hug her one more time. "Thank you for always being here."

"Anytime, Ryder. It's what best friends are for. I'd say don't let the phone call bother you but that would be pointless; I'll call you tonight to check up on you."

And with that, she leaves, walking down the stairs and out the front door.

I close my bedroom door and crawl into bed once again.

I call Jake hesitantly.

It rings once ... twice ... three times–

He picks up.

My heart snaps when I hear his voice. I didn't think it would be this painful to hear his voice again.

"Ethan?" He says, his tone of voice so hopeful, and somewhat happy. As if he can't believe I'm actually calling.

The tears start falling again.

I hang up on him before he can say anything more.