I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

Chapter 19

"Hello?" Cammie croaked into the phone. Her eyes were so heavy with sleep that she blindly answered the phone, not bothering to see who was calling.

"Are you just waking up?" The commanding voice of Elizabeth Driver asked on the other end.

Cammie forced her reluctant eyes open and pulled the phone away from her ear: it was a little after nine in the morning on Sunday.

"Um, yeah."

"Why are you sleeping so late? Don't you have midterms coming up that you need to be studying for? You shouldn't be wasting your time right now. This year is too important to mess up."

The words were aimed at Cammie like a weapon, each syllable wounding her with guilt. With chagrin, Cammie realized her mother was right: she shouldn't be sleeping in so late when her exams were just around the corner. Cammie shuddered at thought of what her mother would say if Elizabeth knew exactly how little Cammie had been studying this semester and why she had been so preoccupied.

"I was up late studying," Cammie lied. It seemed that since her Dream, lying had become as simple as breathing. Before, Cammie had never found a need to lie; she had always told the truth, even when it cost her. Even when Cammie had considered lying in the past, her conscious would nag at her until she bent to the will of the truth. But now, after she had told such a big lie about her Dream, it seemed that telling her mother the reason she had slept in was because she stayed awake studying was merely a minor infraction.

Elizabeth hummed, almost in a challenge to her daughter's response. It was if Elizabeth didn't quite believe that this excuse was valid.

"Don't forget about your father's party on the tenth," Elizabeth said.

"His what?"

Elizabeth sighed, exasperated with her daughter for already forgetting, what in her opinion, was a major event. "Your father's work party: the one we host every year. He will have everyone over from the firm. We expect you to be there. It will be a great time to network and get to know your future employers."

The event tumbled back into her memory at her mother's explanation. Cammie's father threw large work parties like this every so often at the Driver household. He invited over everyone from the firm, clients, friends, and family alike. It was a way to network and show off their influence.

Cammie hated these events; she felt like she was already pressed under her mother's thumb and these parties made things worse. Elizabeth insisted that Cammie be professional and speak with everyone, because "you never know who you will meet and what kind of impression you will make."

When they were younger and had no choice but to be at home, Cammie and Jess tried to hide as much possible and avoid talking to all the men and women dressed to the nines. Jess especially hated these events, and soon made a big enough fuss about having to attend that Elizabeth eventually acquiesced to Jess' demands due to fear that Jess would eventually embarrass the family. Elizabeth also did not see a point in making Jess attend once it was decided that she would study art and had no interest in pursuing law.

Cammie, however, had no such luck; so every year, she found herself dressed in her best dress and a fake smile, shaking hands with every suit and tie she met. Although, Cammie did not see the logic behind this "networking," as her mother put it, because her father already owned the firm, therefore Cammie was guaranteed a job.

She kept her complaints to herself.

"Of course I'll be there," Cammie said, as if it was the only place she wanted to be on her Spring Break. The absence of Jess at these gatherings always made them worse; at least Jess added a little fun. Savannah was always busy on Spring Breaks, which meant Cammie had to brave these events alone.

In a brief moment of utter insanity, Cammie imagined inviting Virgo to the event. She could barely restrain the laugh that was close to bursting past her lips. She imagined her parents' horrified faces when Virgo's bare, tattooed arms shone brightly for all the see, or the piercing in her nose. It was almost too much to bear when she imagined a lawyer from her father's firm asking Virgo what she did for a living—Cammie imagined them spitting their champagne back into their glasses.

A devilish grain spread across Cammie's face. Who was she becoming, to want to purposfully sabotage her parents event?

"Good. Then I'll see you then. Good luck on your exams," Elizabeth said, cutting Cammie out of her fantasty.

"Thanks, mom."

The phone call ended before Cammie could say goodbye. The blank screen of the phone stared back at Cammie and she could makeout the reflection of her features on the sleek surface: she was frowning. Cammie realized her mood turned sour after the call.

The frustration Cammie felt with her mother had been building for many years, though Cammie was just now beginning to see it surface: Elizabeth didn't understand anything, especially not Cammie's schooling or her life or her ambitions. Elizabeth didn't understand who Cammie really was, the things she truly wanted to do and become. Instead, Elizabeth only saw the Cammie that she and her husband had created. The anger swelled in her belly, sending her heart pounding in defiance. Her parents didn't even know about her Soulmate!

But in a moment, the anger and resentment passed and guilt replaced the anger. How could Cammie be angry with her mother when she didn't share anything with her? Cammie hadn't expressed her recent doubts about law school or the new changes in her life that took her away from her studies. Cammie had lied to her mother about everything. How could she expect Elizabeth to understand when she wasn't willing to explain?

Cammie sighed and pushed herself out of bed, deciding that Elizabeth was right about one thing: she really needed to study. She dressed quickly, grabbed her backpack and stuffed to the point of tearing with hefty textbooks and notebooks filled with frantic handwriting that kept up with the professor's lecture. As she swung the bag over she shoulder, she thought about the conversation with her mother and about her fantasty of inviting Virgo. Cammie glanced at her bed and a light blush covered her face when she remembered she had slept on Virgo's jacket. She quickly moved to the bed and slipped her arms inside the jacket.

Cammie found Jen asleep on the couch and Savannah sound alseep in her room. After the interogation by her friends last night, she decided it would be better to leave the house before either of them woke up, especially now that she was wearing Virgo's jacket again.

Quietly, Cammie grabbed a breakfast bar and stuffed it into her mouth. She crept next to Jen in the living room and picked up her bike, careful not to wake her friend.

It was hard to work out exactly why the thought of returning Virgo's jacket to her the very next morning had entered Cammie's mind and stuck there like glue, but she couldn't get the thought out of her head and decided that she must return the jacket at once. Although, Elizabeth call certaintly lit a defiant fire inside of Cammie, so perhaps that was why Cammie found herself peddaling her bike to find Virgo.

Cammie moved through the city, weaving around the city blocks until she arrived at the infamous coffee shop that sent her once perfect future into chaos, but Cammie hadn't bothered to look down at the debris of her old life and see the picture that was forming in the rubble was one worth living.

Everything looked exactly as it had the day she first arrived. Cammie stared at the enterance a moment, her heartrate picking up with anticipation. She silently scolded herself for these emotions and locked up her bike and heart.

Once Cammie stepped inside, she first scanned for an open table to spread out her study matierals, not yet looking toward the counter the barista's crowded around. She found one with ease, and realized that though this was only the second time she had been here, it was much quieter and calmer than her usualy spot and she decided she liked the low-key atmosphere of this coffee shop more.

After she dropped her bag off at the table, Cammie decided to brave the bar and look for Virgo. Her heart skipped a beat when she immediately recongized the brunette crafting drinks. Her long brown hair, tied up in a ponytail and tattooed arms were unmistakable. A smile formed on Cammie's lips unbeknown to her as she hopped in line. Cammie ordered her usual drink and made her way over to the counter to await.

Virgo was completely engrossed in her work and failed to notice Cammie—or anyone—approaching the counter. Cammie noticed that Virgo was softly singing to herself. The smile grew wider. Cammie realized she would kill to hear Virgo sing again on a stage, surrounded by her passion for music.

Virgo ground the espresso beans and compressed them. She locked the portafilter into place and flicked a button to begin the process of pulling the shot. Cammie watched Virgo squirt the pumps of flavoring into the bottom of the cup and prepare the milk, mesmorized by her fluid actions. It appeared to Cammie that everything Virgo did was done with the fluid grace of a dancer; she made everything seem easy, second nature. Cammie vaguely wondered if there anything this girl couldn't do: between crafting drinkings and music and speaking two languages, it seemed like Virgo was an unstoppable force of creativity.

As Virgo worked, Cammie admired the artwork sprawling across her arms and made a note to ask her about them one of these days, if they ever became close enough friends.

Virgo held the ceramic mug in her left hand while her right hand poured the milk into the cup. At the end of the pour, she adjusted the angel of her wrist and thick foam fell from the cup. Virgo made several swift motions, then withdrew the liquid, moved her hand down once again, and finished the drink with a final foam line cutting through the original piece to create a small flower inside of the drink.

The drink was placed carefully on the pass-off counter. "Vanilla latte with almond milk on the bar for—" Virgo stopped short as she read the name sharpied onto the small plate the cup was placed on. Virgo looked up to find Cammie smiling at her. It was as if someone had hit the rewind button and Virgo and Cammie were able to replay their first meeting over again, but this time, the scene played out the right way.

"Hey," Virgo said. "What are you doing here?"

"To get coffee," Cammie said with a laugh.

"Very funny," Virgo said, laughing. She paused to take in Cammie's appearance and noticed that Cammie was wearing her jacket. Her stomach fluttered. "So I guess my plan worked?"

"Your plan?"

Virgo gestured to the jacket. Cammie looked down and realized she had forgotten to take off the jacket, only wearing it intitally to make it easier to carry as there was no room in her bag. Cammie's face turned bright red. Virgo smirked, but decided not to embarass the girl futher.

Cammie cleared her throat, keeping her head down to hide her complexion, though it was doing no good.

"I need to study for my midterms, so I figured I would kill two birds with one stone."

"How pragmatic of you."

"That's me."

Cammie winced internally at her incredibly lame answer and suddenly felt entirely uncool and self-conscious in Virgo's presence. Virgo was a person that Cammie would have never befriended before, at least not by her own accord. Virgo, in Cammie's opinion, was in an entirely different category of person from her: Virgo presented as a carefree musician who worked at a hip coffee shop, not caring what others thought of her while Cammie was entirely uptight and striving for perfection in her third year of undergrad, and cared deeply about what everyone thought of her. Perhaps it had been the alcohol the night before that had made it so easy to talk with Virgo, but now Cammie became completely self-conscious.

Virgo watched Cammie descend into her own embarassment. The changes were small and subtle, but it seemed plain enough to Virgo's eyes. She smiled, wondering why the girl across the counter seemed to suddenly feel shy.

"Well, I hope studying isn't too bad," Virgo said, dragging Cammie out out her spiraling.

"Thanks." Cammie wanted to say more, but was unsure of what to say, so instead she decided to retreat back to her table and crack open her textbooks.

Cammie collapsed into her seat and sucked in a deep breath, exhaling it slowly. Why did she feel so awkward suddenly? Cammie made a quick glance at Virgo, who had watched Cammie walk all the way back to her seat before she had returned to her work. She shook her head and reached for her textbooks instead. It had been so long since she had sat down and studied; so much had happened since she started school in January. It was already approaching the end of March and midterms were upon her. She knew she had not been as focused this semester as she had in years past and really needed to make up for all of the lost time and distraction now. But even still, it was hard to stay focused when so much was on her mind. She glanced at Virgo again.

Cammie exhaled and opened her notebook, grabbed a pen, and began to take notes and review her lectures, determined not to be distracted. She must have done a very great job because she did not even hear Virgo approach until she was sliding into the chair across from her.

"Shit," Cammie exclaimed, startled.

"Sorry," Virgo laughed. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Cammie tugged her headphones out of her ears. "No, it's okay. I didn't see you coming."

"May I join you?"

"Sure. Are you on your break?"

"No, I'm off now."

"What time is it?" Cammie asked, picking up her phone. She had been sitting at the table for well over four hours. "Wow, I've been here a long time."

Virgo laughed. "I will admit, at first I thought you were here to see me, but then you didn't look up from your book even once."

Cammie realized the implication of Virgo's words: she had been looking at her throughout the shift. A strange feeling squirmed its way into her stomach. She pushed it down.

"Yeah, I'm trying to make up for the lack of studying this semester," Cammie said, joining Virgo in her laughter.

"What are you studying?"

Cammie closed her textbook to show Virgo the title, keeping her fingers jammed between the pages to mark her spot.

"Constitutional law," Virgo read. "So you are a law student?"

"Yup."

"I could never wrap my head around such things. You impress me."

Cammie laughed. "I just have a good memory. It's not like I can play any instruments."

"It's not so hard. It just takes practice."

"You make it sound so easy."

"I practice every day."

"It makes sense why you're so good then."

Virgo smiled and a silence fell over the girls. Virgo was completely comofrtable sitting with Cammie, like they had the night before, but Cammie grew uncomfortable with the silence, thinking she needed to say something, to fill it with some type of chatter. But before she had the chance, Virgo beat her to it.

"Well, speaking of music, I have to study too. Are you going to stay much longer?"

"Yeah, I've got a lot more to get through." Just thinking about everything she had to review was giving her a headache.

"Do you mind if I study with you?"

"Sure."

From the backpack at her feet, Virgo out a tattered notebook and placed it on the table.

"Are you writing more music?" Cammie asked.

"Sort of. Not my own. It's for my class."

"What's your major?"

"I'm working on my Master's in Contemporary Teaching Practice."

Cammie blinked. "A Master's?"

Virgo nodded.

"How old are you?" Cammie asked before she could stop herself. Her mother had always taught her it was rude to ask people's ages.

"Twenty-four," Virgo answered with a laugh.

The implication of Virgo's age hit Cammie like a train. She was twenty-four. Which meant she had been waiting three years for her Soulmate-for Cammie. And Cammie ran the moment she saw her.

"I'm an asshole," Cammie muttered more to herself than Virgo.

"What?"

"God, I'm such an asshole. I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Three years is a long time to wait for someone."

Virgo only smiled. Cammie wanted to continue to apologize over and over again for the absolute asshole she had been. Virgo moved countries and waited for three entire years for the girl of her Dream, only to have her say no to her face. What does one even say in such a situtation? There was nothing to say, because she knew her words were not enough. There was not anything Cammie could say now to take back what she had done, how she acted. Should she explain herself to Virgo? About her fears? Her family? Her relationship with Adam? Her future? What was at steak? No, it would only be twisting the knife in deeper. Anything Cammie said would come out like a lame excuse. Cammie knew Virgo didn't want to hear her excuses, didn't want to have to deal with everything that Cammie was. But deep in her heart, Cammie knew the only thing she could do to make things right was to be with Virgo, be her Soulmate. But Cammie couldn't do that. Cammie couldn't love her like that, love any woman like that.

Cammie had thought that fate was cruel to her, but she hadn't even considered how vicious it had been to Virgo: cursed to fall in love with someone who couldn't love her back.

"How old are you?" Virgo asked, sensing Cammie's withdraw into herself. Virgo had no idea the turmoil that raged within the girl across the table, but she hoped that eventually she would be able to crack open the barred doors Cammie kept over her heart.

Cammie glanced up, returning from another world. They were discussing their age; they really did not know anything about each other.

"Twenty-one. As of three months ago."

"Happy birthday."

"Thanks," Cammie said, growing increasingly more uncomfortable.

Virgo said she forgave her, but somehow delving into the finer details like their ages made Cammie feel worse. As much as she wanted to change the subject, to remove herself from the discomfort she felt (mostly due to her own guilty conscious), Cammie pushed herself to stay in this space with Virgo, to give the girl as much of her as she was able.

"We really don't know each other very well, do we?" Cammie asked, an embarassed laugh coming off of her lips.

Virgo grinned. "No. I know that you have two sisters and you study law. That's about it."

"And I know that you have two brothers, you're from France, you work here, and you're in a band. Oh, and you are getting your Master's."

Virgo laughed. "Well, that's it, isn't it? There's nothing more to know that's me.'"

"No way," Cammie shook her head. "There's much more to know about you." Cammie realized that she wanted to know everything there was to know about Virgo.

"What do you want to know?"

Cammie thought a moment. "So, Contemporary Teaching Practice, huh? Do you want to be a teacher?"

"Yes."

If Cammie had been on some Game Show where she had to guess people's careers based on looks, she would most assuredly not have picked "teacher" for Virgo. She knew she did not know Virgo well, if at all, but somehow the idea of this rockstar from France covered in tattoos didn't fit her picture of a teacher.

"What grade?"

"I think I want to teach younger children, maybe elemetary age."

Virgo continued to throw curveball after curveball.

"I did not peg you for the elementary teacher type," Cammie confessed.

"I know I don't exactly look like a teacher, but I love kids and playing music, so it seemed like a good choice."

"It makes sense," Cammie said, reflecting on this new piece of information that Virgo divuldged. She loved kids. Did she want to be a mother? Start a family?

"Do you want to be a lawyer?"

It was almost insignificant, the pause that came before Cammie's answer; it was so small, so miniscule, that no one save for herself noticed that she hesitated before answering Virgo's question.

"Yes."

But what did this mean? Since she was a child, Cammie had always answered the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with perfect confidence and conviction. She had always wanted to be a lawyer, for as long as she could remember. In fact, there wasn't a time when she couldn't remember wanting this. Of course, there was that small period of time where she dabbled with the idea of being a painter, but "lawyer" had never completely been out of the picture. To hesistate now, with almost three years of studying law and a lifetime of confidence, Cammie was completely and utterly caught off guard.

"What type of law are you studying?"

"Family Law."

"What made you want to study that?"

This question also stumped Cammie. Her honest answer was simply that she had always wanted to study Family Law. There was no real moment when she decided what she wanted to do—it just was.

"My dad owns a law firm. So I'll be taking it over as one of the partners when I'm older."

"Oh, like a family business?"

Cammie nodded.

"Do you like studying law?"

Cammie was growing increasingly frustered with her inability to quickly answer each and every one of Virgo's questions in the affirmative. But before she could stop herself, all of Cammie's walls fell down and she realized the words were tumbling out of her mouth before she could snap it shut.

"I don't know," Cammie answered honestly.

Virgo searched Cammie's face.

"What do you mean?"

Cammie laughed without humor. "I . . . Don't know." Cammie thought a moment, reflected on the implications of all of her pauses. "I don't think I know what I want."

Virgo waited to Cammie to continue.

"I used to be so sure about everything," Cammie said. She began to shake her head as she thought more about what she meant. "And now I'm just . . . not. I've always been so certain of everything in my life and now everything seems so unclear. I can't remember a time when I haven't wanted to be a lawyer but now I don't even know if that's what I want anymore."

At the conclusion of Cammie's monologue, she felt an unknown tension that had been building behind her shoulders suddenly release. She reached back and massaged the muscles, working out the rest of the tension. Cammie's stress was palpable.

"Then don't be a lawyer," Virgo said simply.

Cammie laughed at the suggestion.

"Yeah, right."

"Well, why not?"

"My parents would kill me."

"Your parents?"

Cammie nodded.

"You're going to school for your parents?"

"No, that's not what I meant."

"Then what do you mean?"

"Well, my parents have been paying for me to go to school and they've invested three years already. And they're counting on me to take over my dad's practice."

"So you're going to school for your parents," Virgo repeated.

"No, I chose to study law," Cammie said, scowling.

Virgo threw up her hands in surrender, sensing Cammie's growing annoyance. This was a battle best fought at another time, Virgo decided. For now, she wanted to enjoy Cammie's company.

"I'm sorry. I'm just trying to understand you better," Virgo said. Cammie nodded, but didn't offer another response. "Shall we study?"

Cammie nodded again, and returned her textbook. It quickly became very apparent that she wouldn't be able to focus anymore; Virgo's questions dug up issues that Cammie hadn't realized were there. The beautiful garden Cammie had been manicuring since birth had been infested with pests and weeds. She had been tearing the weeds from the ground by their roots, but it seemed that every time she pulled up one, three more would grow in its place. The garden would be overrun soon. The cogs in Cammie's brain would not stop turning.

"I don't think I can study anymore. I'm sorry," Cammie finally said.

"That's okay. You've been here for a while."

Cammie reached up to massage her neck again.

As Cammie began to pack up her things, Virgo realized that their time together was dwindling.

"Would you want to come to another open mic night?" Virgo asked.

Cammie glanced up.

"I don't know if you enjoyed going to the last one, but I'm playing again Thursday night if you want to come."

Cammie had to restrain herself from accepting too quickly. The opprotunity to hear Virgo sing again was more enticing than she realized.

"Yeah, that sounds fun."

Virgo tore a piece of paper out of her notebook and began to scribble down the details.

"Why don't you text me," Cammie laughed. "I have a phone."

Virgo laughed and instead pulled out her phone.

"What's your number?"