I've Got It Bad (And You'll Never Know) (BXB)

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 Max crashed into Julian's bed practically the second Jules got the door to his quad unlocked. Though four people shared the common living space and kitchenette, Julian had the privilege of his own bedroom, something he thanked God for every day. How would he explain to a roommate why he had to let this tiny gay kid sleep over all the time?

Julian slowly closed his bedroom door, glad to see Max immediately gone. Sleep made everything better. Jules frequently caught himself napping to avoid difficult assignments, and while it wasn't exactly productive, his problems sure didn't feel so daunting when he awoke hours later, warm and sleepy.

His suitemates were still out partying and likely wouldn't be home anytime soon (woooo! Friday night!), so he felt perfectly comfortable immediately calling Lenny and asking him to come down.

Lenny sat quietly as Jules explained Max's story. He clasped his hands in front of his mouth and stared at a spot on the floor, nodding every few minutes. By the time Jules finished, his still-clasped hands were shaking with rage. "I'm gonna gut the bitch. I'm gonna wear his hairy back like a fur coat."

"Len--"

"I'm dead serious." He sounded it. "All of 'em. I'll make a whole suit out of hockey player hairy backs. I'll go Buffalo Bill on their asses. I'll fucking kill them, Jules, every single one." He stood. "Gimme my keys."

"Lenny, relax, how are you even gonna find 'em?"

"It's a Friday night. Just gotta scroll through Snapchat for a couple minutes and I'll see at least one of 'em at some fuckin' sorority house gettin' wasted out of their mind--"

"Lenny. Stop it. He doesn't want-- I mean, I don't think he wants... vengeance. You didn't see him. He's just... he's broken, man. We got back and he went right to sleep. I think he just needs some compassion, dude, people to watch out for him. We don't gotta skin anybody. We just gotta remind him he's got people who care about him."

Lenny paced the room for a second, then suddenly looked up like a lightswitch flipped in his brain, his rage replaced by innovation. "You know what, Julian, you're so completely correct, you wise bitch."

Julian didn't like the gleam in his friend's eyes. He knew him too well. "Thanks. Yeah. I know."

"Yeah, man, he sure could use people to remind him that he's cared about. Probably wouldn't hurt if somebody could remind him that he's, y'know, desirable, after that whole--"

"Lenny!"

"What! Come on! You know I have a point!"

Julian massaged his temples. "No, you don't. Stop it."

"Jules."

"No."

Lenny softened, putting a hand on Julian's shoulder. "Come on, dude. He's in a bad place. When somebody you really like betrays you, you wanna know you're still capable of bein' really liked, you feel me? Besides, you never know--"

"I do know! Jesus Christ, Lenny! You think I don't know what it means to wanna feel desired? You know the last time someone had serious interest in me, me and my fuckin' toothpick frame and goddamn peg-leg? And don't make that face, don't fuckin' pity me, Jesus Christ, Len, that's the last thing I want-- I just-- I'm not tryin' to be a rebound, okay? I don't wanna sweep in like Prince Charmin' or some bullshit and make him feel gorgeous, which he is, just so he can say 'gee, Jules, I never knew you saw me that way, thank you, it's good to know I'm wanted, but I'd never fuckin' date your crippled ass.'"

"Jules, he would never--"

"Shut up, I ain't done! I know. I know he would never say that. But that's how it feels, Lenny, and yeah, that's crazy, I'm bein' crazy, but I can't help the things I think, I don't get to choose the person I am, and the person I am is an insecure disabled Jewish guy who'll never be able to play a sport again, no matter how bad I want to, because those special olympics videos never fuckin' inspire me, they depress me, they remind me of playin' hockey before my accident and feelin' like a part of somethin', like I was good at somethin'-- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that shit, I just mean-- I'm not his type. I'm so far from his type, it's like I'm not even in the same universe. I'm never gonna be a strong guy like Joey Thatchlin. I'm never gonna be a sporty dude, I'm never gonna be handsome, I'm always just gonna be-- me. He could never be into me.

"So it doesn't matter that I'm fuckin' in love with him. I know you're tryin' to help me, God knows you think this is what's best for me, but I've been head over heels for that guy for so long it's like background noise at this point, it's like an ache I just live with, like a chronic pain. And it doesn't matter. He's never gonna feel that way. So you can stop this nonsense with tryin' to get me to admit it. Because I am in love with Max, and I think he's hot as shit and hilarious and smart and he can make me feel like I'm not an ugly legless dude for a little while, but I gotta return to reality, and the reality is that he's not into me, and I love him so much that I don't care. I just want him in my life. I just wanna keep bein' his best friend. Because at the end of everything I'm just terrified of not havin' him around. And if I tell him any of this shit, it will ruin what we have. So please, Lenny, for the love of God, let it rest. Please."

For once, Lenny didn't have a smart comment. He looked... sad. Deeply sad, coming from somewhere inside him he didn't usually let himself draw from. He parted his lips a bit, as if to speak, then clapped them shut. He opened his arms and pulled Jules into a hug. "I love you, dude. I'm sorry I tried to pressure you. You're not an ugly legless dude, though, you're hunky as fuck. Seriously. If I was gay, dude, you'd be my number one."

Julian knew he was just saying that because he had to. But the hug felt nice, so he allowed it to wash over him. Lenny left a little while later, after telling Julian how sexy he was about 20 more times. He wouldn't leave until he got Jules smiling.

A few feet away, Max sat with his ear pressed to Julian's bedroom door, heart thumping against his ribcage. He had tried to sleep, falling into Julian's bed in hopes of instant relief, but his thoughts were too loud. To drown them out, he went to the door, listening in so he could hear whatever Lenny and Julian said about him. He heard somewhat more than he intended to. Was his heart beating faster than normal? It felt like he was having palpitations.

Ten minutes later, when Julian came and gingerly placed a glass of water on his bedside table for Max to drink, Max laid silently, pretending to be asleep.