Submitting

Sun

I was not in control. 

From the moment I met him, I never was. He had this twisted charm that made everything work in his favour always or maybe he was so stubborn that everything just curled under his unrelenting clench.  A man so intransigent, lost to the reasonings of right and wrong, and in control. 

The numbness was all that I could feel and welcome as I let myself drift into the unknown harmony that controlled me; that I have never heard before yet played so smoothly like it was a part of me. A version of me I knew better than anyone. A version of me that nobody knew. 

It's funny how time can exist, freeze, move forward, backward, and then forward again. Suddenly it doesn't exist at all. What's left is an irreplicable shadow that doesn't reoccur ever again. It's always the first and the last, yet we like to pretend that it's same the next time even though it will never be the same. The exact same shadow that once was created is lost forever in the same tides of time that can never be stopped. 

I was completely oblivious to any presence inside the room nor did I notice the warmth beside me until the keys started playing on their own. Hitting notes so complementarily harmonious yet dominating that I was too scared to open my eyes. I didn't want to be controlled yet the compulsive temptation of the tune kept me hooked to it like a drug I couldn't get enough of. A guilty pleasure that shouldn't exist and yet it does. 

His fingers so swift and smooth, their casted spell stirring something inside me that I never knew existed. They won't slow down while making sure I didn't either, taking me on a rollercoaster ride at a precarious speed. At that moment I could feel him more intimately closer than I ever have. It wasn't quite a welcome one neither was it unwelcome. Perhaps a shock at the current situation. Caught off guard, I felt like a puppet in the hands of a puppeteer. 

Submitting. 

The panic coursing through my veins was indescribable as my breathing picked up and I could feel the all too familiar symptoms of a panic attack diving up to the surface. A huge painful draw of breath made my eyes shot open as I lost track of the keys beneath my fingers. The house of melodious cards tumbled down and crashed right upon me, suffocating me for a few seconds; enough to make me experience the near end of everything. 

When something completely unpredictable happened.

He kissed me. 

My lips felt numb and warm at the same time. His hands gripping me so tightly, holding me, almost as if trying to keep the pieces together before I shatter. I should've moved away, pushed him away, protested, done something but I couldn't. Fear and shock was not the reason behind it. I...wanted to be held. 

My ragged breaths had set my lungs on fire as I kept blinking, unable to hold myself upright. I was completely limp as his arms securely held me to his chest while he kissed me gently, trying to distract me, trying to snatch me away from the cold grasp of unconsciousness that slithered slowly into me.

Maybe that was the reason why I wanted him. He felt so warm like a sun, his touch scorching hot, raging fire on my lifeless lips, and his eyes the only spark visible in the darkness that slowly clouded my vision and left me lifeless in the arms of my captor. 

****

The sun felt so good as the wind blew through the meadow full of small yellow flowers. A lone tree standing tall a few miles away. Not a single sign of life and yet I didn't feel the littlest bit lonely since she was all that I needed. 

Liza. 

The closest thing to a family I ever had. 

I closed my eyes and sighed in content as we laid there underneath the sun, bathing in its warmth. Our yellow sundresses shining brightly as the swish of the grass and leaves lulled us to a peaceful serenity. Everything was perfect. 

"Rose?" I almost cried with joy when I heard her voice. It was strange because I didn't know why I felt that way. Happiness morphed with sadness as I failed to control the audible shake in my voice as I replied.

"Yes, Liza?" A bare whisper which she could have not heard at all. 

"How are you doing?" The stab on my heart was not inflicted by her but my own guilt. How is she so selfless? Why was I so selfish?

I wanted to lie to her so badly. I wanted to tell her that I was okay. That I will be okay but how could I? As selfish as I am, I wanted to tell her all the horrible things that have been happening to me and how I was pathetically doing nothing and let him do everything that he wanted. I didn't even try to fight back the slightest, I wasn't even trying to run away or find her all because I was so afraid of the situation getting worse than it already is. There was not the slightest amount of energy left in me to go through something more awful or land in a situation far worse than this.

Silence prevailed as I didn't, couldn't answer her. Torn into two pieces. 

Tears dripped down my cheeks as I took a shaky breath and exhaled slowly. 

"I miss you." It was harder than I thought it would be. "How are you doing?"

I waited patiently, hoping to hear the words that would calm me, make me feel better but the bellowing nature dancing with the wind was the only thing that seemed to exist in the silence as I opened my eyes and found myself alone. 

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