Drowning Without Water - A Criminal Minds x Reader

Twenty

You and Spence open the BAU doors to find the rest of the team sitting at their desks. Today was a paperwork day so you didn't miss much.

"Well, well, well, nice of you to join us lovebirds! Late night?" Emily comments grinning.

"Emily! What did I say!" JJ reprimands her.

"Sorry, I forgot."

"You're grounded..." she jokes. You laugh at the exchange. JJ knew she was the mom friend and she's really fallen into the role the past few months. You and Spence sit at your desks. You both still had paperwork from the whole Alex case. It took longer considering every time you worked on it you had to relive something. Spence tried to help you but sometimes the flashbacks were intense and he couldn't help. It infuriated both of you that even though Alex is dead, he still affected our lives.

You look at Spence intensely staring at his paperwork. He was slower than usual but still much faster than you. You think back to the conversation in the car. And I don't care if it takes a whole 5 years for you to be ready to love someone again. I will wait every single minute of those 5 years. Those were his exact words. Would it take you 5 years to be able to properly date him? You had no idea when you'd be ready. You love him, you know that's not going to change, but you didn't trust the feeling anymore.

Last time you loved someone this much, it hurt. Literally. As much as you hated it, you loved Alex. You loved him so much you gave up almost everything to be with him. You ignored the people closest to you and their warnings because you loved him. Looking back on it, you were stupid. You should've seen the signs but you didn't because you were blinded by how much you loved him.

You know Spence is not Alex. You know Spence wouldn't hurt you. You know Spence would make you feel like a million bucks constantly. You know Spence you actually love you. But you still didn't trust the feeling of love. It's been two months since you left Alex and only one month since he died, but he was still in your head. Sometimes you wish you were the one that killed him. Maybe then you'd have some closure.

But you didn't kill him. Spencer Reid did. He was like Scott Pilgrim and you were Ramona. He had to kill your evil ex to be with you. But Scott Pilgrim and Ramona got together in the end. They weren't afraid to be together. They weren't afraid of love.

"Y/N? You okay?" Emily snaps you out of your thoughts.

"Yeah... I'm fine." Were you fine? You didn't even know.

"You just stared at that same file for 30 minutes without turning the page. What's wrong?"

"Can you meet me in interrogation room A? We can talk in private."

"Yeah, of course." You both close your files and get up from your desks. Emily brings a few files with her so if someone finds you two, you can play it off like you were working.

God, it sounds like we're leaving to have sex in the interrigation room.

You two enter the room and Emily shuts it behind her.

"So Spencer and I told each other we love each other but I don't trust the feeling of love yet. He did this whole speech in the car about how he'll wait as long as it takes for me to be ready even if it's 5 years. But the last time I loved someone it nearly killed me. Literally. But I know Spence won't hurt me like Alex did, but there's a part of me that is afraid he will. Have you ever seen the movie Scott-" you were talking a mile a minute.

"Y/N, Y/N. Take a breath and slow the fuck down," both of you laugh, "I get what your saying but you just need to breath." You both take a deep breath, "Now, you love Spence and he loves you back but you're still afraid because of what Alex did?" This is why you love Emily.