When the Fire Ceased

Chapter 22 - Monster

Chapter 22

Monster

Peeta will get here anytime.

What if he's already outside the door?

I'm not ready, I still don't know what I will tell him, I'm still caught on the words I wrote in the book. How stupid I am. Instead of thinking of what I would tell Peeta I found myself writing my past, the Games and everything that haunts me every waking moment since the Reaping... I should have written what I would tell Peeta, so I didn't forget and knew exactly what to say, I should have practiced it, but no.

"Ugh!", I say to myself as I punch a pillow. I'm sitting on the couch, and I stay there for a while, telling myself how stupid I am.

I shiver. The snow melted a couple of months ago, but a little cold is still here. I walk to the chimney and make a fire. The smoke will probably betray me when Peeta's coming home, he will know someone built a fire in his house and it couldn't be anyone but me.

Too late, though. I already did it.

I go back to the couch and wait for Peeta. I'm not prepared. Yesterday, I knew exactly what I wanted to tell Peeta, but now, no words will come. Besides, I'm not presentable, I'm still wearing the clothes I wore two days ago, my hair is completely messy and I don't even want to imagine how my face is. And I haven't taken a shower in two days. Now, I'm not just stupid, I'm disgusting.

I grunt. The hate I'm throwing to myself is interrupted by the sound of the door opening. I hear Peeta stepping into the house and closing the door behind him.

I'm still facing the fire and not him, but I didn't notice that the moment he entered, I tensed all over.

"Katniss", Peeta says with bewilderment and something else in his voice I cannot figure out, maybe something with amazement and something else. "What are you doing here?", he says, still standing where he is.

I order myself to calm down. I turn and face him.

"Well, I used to live here before you kicked me out", I say and in the moment I say it I regret it. I can't be angry at him, not now or this will all be a failed mission. It wasn't his fault.

"Sorry...", I say. "We need to talk".

He seems to ignore what I just said.

"How long have you been here?", he says as a panicked face takes over him. He drops to the ground the bags he was carrying and begins walking towards me.

"Katniss, how long have you been here?", he asks again, his voice trembling. At first, I give him a confused look but then, I get it. He must think I already saw the destroyed room upstairs, what he did.

Slowly, I begin to stand up and taking a step towards him. "Peeta, it's oka-".

"No, Katniss it's not!", he blurts out. He's shaking, he puts his hands to his face, trying to shut everything out. "No...", he whispers. I think he's about to have a flashback. Now, I come closer to him fast. I try to reach for his hand but he takes a step away violently. He looks up at me and I see his blue eyes are still the same, but horror fills them. "Don't touch me! I'm a monster!", he shouts.

"Peeta, please come here. Let's calm down and talk", I say as calmly as possible. He looks at me fearful, holding his hands into fists. He stays like that for a while.

"Come", I say softly and sit on the couch in front of the fire. He hesitates for a long moment but then, he finally sits, though at the very other side of the couch.

"You shouldn't be here...", he says still trembling.

"But I am, Peeta. And I won't leave", I say. He looks at me, his eyes are swollen, dark circles below them. I can see he hasn't sleep for a couple of nights. He has bruises over his arms too, his nails broken. He looks almost like after we rescued him from the Capitol.

I look away from him, I tried to do it discretely but I can't help it, I can't bear looking at him like that. I stare at the ground.

He looks away too. "I could hurt you...", he says.

"You wouldn't", I say.

"I'm a monster, Katniss".

"No-".

Before I can keep going he blurts out, "Yes I am, Katniss! I'm a monster! You saw me the other day, you saw what I did upstairs, you're watching me right now! I'm a monster!".

A monster. I just realized that that word, drives me crazy, Peeta's not a monster and he will never be.

Now, I move closer to him, my leg is touching his, as soon as he feels me come near him, he tenses and tries to pull away but I begin talking.

"Peeta, look at me", I say but he's avoiding me, looking at the ground. "Look at me!", I say maybe a little too harshly. I grab his chin with my hand so he's looking up at me. I can feel the tension in his muscles as soon as I touch him but I don't care.

"You are not a monster. Did you hear me? You're not a monster.", I say and let go of him. "This is my fault... I made this to you, I'm the only monster here, it's all my fault", I say.

He doesn't respond to that. I don't say anything either for a while.

"Why did you return here?", he asks still looking at the ground.

I stay silent for a moment. "Because I owe you...", I say, but it didn't sound right... that's not my main reason. "And because I need you", I bring myself to say.

At this, he looks up at me. His eyes, shining with tears.

Suddenly, he can't hold them anymore and he breaks out crying. I feel helpless, I don't know what to do. I know that if I try to comfort him, he will push me away.

Peeta's sobbing helplessly, I've never seen him like this before and I feel miserable. I hesitate a little but then, I slip my hand through his, he tenses and tries to pull away but I don't let him.

"We will get over this. Together", I say.

He just nods briefly, sobbing. The rest of the evening we spend it like this. After a moment, he allows me to move my hand up and down his back, I feel is all I can do. I want to cry with him but I order myself not to, I have to be strong, for him.

/// Feedback is very appreciated :) I really hope you enjoyed this cahpter. From now on, things will be more complicated... So please follow me and if you liked the chapter, VOTE for it and leave a review and you will make me so happy! Don't miss the next chapter! I'll update soon, maybe Thursday or before that! Have a nice week! ///