CHAPTER 25

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When Jason smiles he looks incredibly handsome and I understand why women fall for him. I find myself being among those women at times, but thankfully I don't have to hide my adoration. There are benefits to being invisible I suppose. I can be so close to him sometimes, like when he's sleeping in the on-call room. I can lay beside him and gaze into his sleeping face. That's how my time is being spent these days. I'm aware that I'm replacing Albert with Reeves, but there's a void inside me that I need to fill. I follow him closely and watch him interact with patients and staff. I speak to him intimately, as though we're colleagues or friends, even though I know he can't hear me. I stroke his cheek affectionately, though he can't feel me. This is how I exist now, just being close to Reeves, and reliving the kiss we shared together a thousand times over in my head. But still this idolisation doesn't fulfil me, it makes me instead feel longing for someone who can hear and touch me. The world has somehow become lonelier since I've started becoming infatuated with Dr Jason Reeves.

Today is one of those days that is filled with a sense of longing, just being close to Reeves isn't enough to satiate me. You'd think that by closing my eyes I'd escape briefly, but whenever I do I have visions of being with Elwood Reeves. My clit has a pulse and is yearning to be appeased. I think it's been many months since I saw Niklaus. Although I've always felt alone here, lately the intensity has increased and my body is physically reacting to this need for physical connectivity.

Once, when I was wandering the hospital, I followed a nurse into the ladies' locker room. She was clearing out her pigeon hole. I can't recall whether she was fired or quit, but I knew that she wouldn't be coming back and she was in a rush to leave. As she pulled out her spare shoes, toiletry bag and cardigan, an emerald green bundle of fabric tumbled silently to the floor. With her arms full she turned on her heals and strutted out of the locker room. I watched her retreat, then my eye was drawn to the bundle of green on the floor. I focused and pushed through the veil to pick up the fabric and revealed a sweetheart neckline dress with a full skirt. I increased my concentration and tugged hard at the fabric, pulling it into my domain. As it transitioned, the emerald green colour dissolved and turned into an inky black where my hands held the material. The now black dress belonged to me from that day forth.

As I stand on the roof I'm wearing the pilfered dress and my fingertips clutch at the fabric near my groin. I throw my head back, pent up energy is radiating through me. I groan and roll my neck. It would be so nice to play with Niklaus right now. I'd love to get Niklaus to feel as pent up and frustrated as how I feel right now. With a sly smile, I want to do exactly that. I wander down from the roof, to the quiet corridors, and a passing clock tells me the time is 11pm. The lights in the closest waiting room are off and the hospital has limited staff on the wards. I strip off my thick black trench coat, drop it on the floor then I lay on the bench, the wide black skirt spilling over on either side of the bench. I close my eyes and inhale deeply. As I breathe out I visualise Niklaus, and little flashes come to me from a time before I was a nurse.

My hair is long, wavy and brown. I'm corseted with a chemise and pantaloons covering my body. I'm smiling and so is Niklaus, we're looking into each other's eyes while I'm straddled on top of him. My fingertips are clutching his shirt and I can see myself kissing him. His hand comes to my face and he deepens the kiss while wrapping his other arm around my waist. I have a warm feeling of safety being in his arms and a wish to be immortal so I can be with him forever.

I open my eyes with a jolt and sit up straight on the bench. I realise that is what Niklaus has been chasing ­– the ghost of me.

"Niklaus," I whisper.

With a cool breeze he's standing there before me. There's a question burning inside me.

"Have you always been watching over me, like you did when I was at my mother's house and there was an air raid?"

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