RAINY DAY [H.S.]

-1-

  This silence, this damn silence...It's killing me, it's like someone just punched me straight in the stomach and let out all their frustation on me. "maybe it's your fault" my father's words are doing echo in my mind, maybe it is my fault. My nails are digging so harshly in my fist that I can't even feel it anymore, all the blood of my body  going up my brain, he has no right telling me that, not now, not today.

I can hear the small drops of water hitting against the kitchen window, i'm sitting here, in that silent kitchen, my dad sitting across me in front of our small round kitchen table. 

"That's not what I meant." I can smell the cigarette mixed with morning breath hits my face, he regrets it, I know it, I look down at my fists, placed against my legs, I don't wanna move, his words hurted me way too much. I'm opening my mouth just to close it again as soon as I can feel my troath getting tighter straight away. What can I say? 

"It's fine". The only words I managed to get out of my mouth, I still don't know how I did that, my throat is full of sobs, I just wanna scream it all out, all the pain out. I didn't cry in days, I think I already cried way too much those past few months when my mom passed away. 

It left my dad and me both alone, together but yet so alone. That tension between us two is unbearable, we've been fighting quite every mornings, but today was the day I was coming back to university. I don't wanna go, I don't feel ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for their eyes on me, their whispers about me, about my family, about my mom and all those rumors about how she died. I'm not ready. 

I get up and finally lift my eyes up to meet my dad's ones, he looks devastated, just like he regrets everything he just threw at my face. His frustration, his pain and his regrets. Well, that's not fair. Nothing of all this is my fault, nothing. Should have though about it twice before talking to me that way.

I can't even say anything, I don't wanna hurt him more, he went through so much. I just can't. I tried to think about any escuses to just stay at home again, but I know that if I don't show up today, I will never pass next year and I don't wanna spend another year here.

"Want me to drive you there?" he ask me, his eyes pinned on his cup of coffee next to him, his bruised hands, caused by the long hours punching against his punching-ball in the garage, playing with the silver spoon, making the hot liquid spin around. 

"no, I will take the bus." I awnser, I already know people are just gonna stare at me, I don't want them to see me coming in a damn sherif car. I was already kinda hated here, because of my dad's job, no one wanna be the sherif's daugthes friend. Most of them just call me a snitch, but honestly, after everything I went through the past few months, I can handle it. 

I push my hood up my head and make my way to the front door, grabbing the house keys as i unlock the door. This black hoodie, the only way I found to hide a bit, hide from their judging looks, from their pity. Why would I dress like them, all pretty to just sit my ass on a chair the whole day. I didn't see myself in a mirror today, I don't wanna see, I didn't sleep at all, I was just laying on my back, staring at the ceiling and asking myself why, why did she die that fast, why does cancer even exist, is it my fault?

"Have a good day jane" I hear my tired dad's voice from the kitchen, I don't feel like awnsering, not after what he told me. The door slamming shut behind me is the only awnser he gets.

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As soon as I step out of the bus, I get attacked by the cold outside, making my cheeks turn pink from the coldness. I can hear some students talk, some others running inside to not get too wet. I'm just standing there, drowning in anxiety, starring at the huge building in front of me, I could run away right now, no one would even notice I didn't show up, and I would just have to make up a lie for my dad. No... I can't do that. 

The more steps I take toward the building, the more this huge ball of stress is growing in my belly, I can feel some eyes starring at me, I don't even remember how to walk properly, I'm not ready. 

"isn't she the one that lost her mom and skipped class for like three months?" someone whispers from behind me. I'm just holding my bag tighter and freeze. I'm taking deep breathes, the smoke getting out of my mouth from the cold flying up as I turn around to see a group of girls standing there, one of them giggling loudly when she see me. 

I just can't help but walk over them, what's wrong with me? why can't I just walk away and ignore them. It's probably because of that fight with my dad earlier, I don't know what push me to them, but I hate it. 

I get quickly pushed away by someone grabbing my arm roughly, causing me to squeeze my eyes shut "ouch" i mumble quickly as a familiar voice whispers in my ear "they are not worth it Jane."

Ellias, my best friend since years now, I didn't awnser his calls, his texts, I convinced my dad to never let him in. But yet, he still cares about me. I'm slowly turning away to face the blonde haired guy with his black glasses, his nose red just like he put too much makeup on. 

"what's happening?" he ask me, giving the girls a death glare that just make them walk away quickly. I can't help but look down, I just wanna go back home, I don't wanna be here. The only words escaping my mouth at this exact moment are so quiet, so quiet that I don't even think Ellias can hear it properly. 

"I'm not ready."