Time Will Tell (sequel to HMM)

Chapter 24- Picnic

I was walking into the office of the psychologist once again. I still didn't really want to be here, but I wasn't as reluctant as the first time. He can't tell Alarik what's talked about in here. I think that's still my main concern. 

I not only want to protect myself from what happened, from living through it again, but I want to protect him from it. He had been a wreck when he'd found me, he'd been a wreck afterward. I know he blamed himself. It just wouldn't do any good for him to know what happened. 

"Why don't you want to talk to Alarik about your experiences?" The doctor asked as if he knew what my thoughts were centered on. 

"There's no reason for him to know."

"Don't you think that it would be good for him to understand what you went through? So he knows how to communicate with you?"

"He can communicate with me just the same. I'm the same person I was then, I've just had to deal with more. When he already blames himself why should I unload all of my experiences onto him?"

With that, he changes tack. 

"Would you like to talk to me about what happened?"

Do I want to? Yes and no. I know that what we say will stay here and that makes me want to open up, but I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. 

"I don't know."

"You talked about the scar on your arm yesterday, about how they were testing on you."

I nod, my mouth dry. 

"Did they ever tell you why?"

"No," the word comes out as a whisper. "Not really. Just that they wanted to know how it works. They had so many different tests they did to me. They called them tests, I called it torture."

He just sat there quietly, listening to me and I just felt a need to fill in the silence. 

"They- they kept me drugged and my wolf out of reach. I couldn't get to her, I couldn't contact Alarik." My heart started to speed up with the memory of those months. 

"I had no sense of time. There were no windows and I never knew how long I'd been out for."

I really had no idea why I was telling him all this, but now that I had started it was all coming out like flood gates that had been breached. 

"Every time I woke up they had something else already planned to go. cutting my arms, breaking my bones, shooting me. The options never seemed to end. When they were done with that they did the physical stuff, like how we run, how fast we can go, how long."

He had stopped marking in his notebook about halfway through and now he was just staring at me, trying to keep his look impartial and professional. I knew he was pitying me though and that was what I hated. That was why I didn't want people to know. I didn't want their pity. 

I looked at the clock, my time was up. 

"I should go," I say quickly standing up. 

"You can stay longer if you'd like. I don't have any appointments for another hour."

"I think I've said enough." I quickly leave the office. 

My heart is pounding, I can feel it in my throat, hear it in my ears. I can't believe that I just essentially told him what had happened. His look though, that was why I couldn't bear to tell anyone else, especially Alarik. 

I already saw the pain in his eyes, I wouldn't be able to see that mixed with his pity for what I had gone through. It did no good to pity, it was in the past.