Losing A Friend Sucks

March 2020- Everything Started To Go Wrong

March 29th, 2020

I have tried texting you multiple times but I can't bring myself to send the texts. I end up deleting things I put a lot of thought into. I'm not sure if I'm even going to send this one but I gotta at least get my emotions out with typing. You have always been my favorite person. You're the one I looked up to, my idol, my best friend, my happiness source. You used to text me back in seconds and were always in the mood to text me. what happened? I know you don't like me but why don't you like talking to me as much anymore? is there something I did? I have cried everyday for the past 1-2 months because of how much I miss you. It's crazy. It's outrageous. I don't have the guts to send one of these paragraphs. I miss you. I need someone to rant to when I'm feeling down, which is a lot more often, and you used to always be that person. we have been through so many ups and downs and I loved all of it. I miss my best friend so much. I have a breakdown at LEAST twice a week because I'm thinking about you. I look at old pictures and videos of us and miss you more and more. I look through old texts too. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel stupid. I know you don't feel the same way but I keep crying. I have a problem. I feel like an idiot. I sit here and cry for hours. It's not okay. I gained confidence because i knew that someone amazing as you liked me and it's all gone now. I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like I don't deserve you. I feel like an actual idiot. I have so many issues. I don't know what my problem is anymore..

March 30th, 2020

I cried again last night. I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. I was three days strong.. three days without thinking about you. three days without bawling my eyes out. three days without having the need to rant to someone. we're back at zero. I honestly don't know what my problem is anymore. You are so amazing and I can't seem to let go that you don't like talking to me as much anymore. I have an actual issue. I'm practically obsessed with you. I've tried to snap *friend* and act like I'm not crying but he knows I am. I finally tell him what's wrong and he goes "Aww. I've never seen you cry so much before." It hurts so much. Sometimes, I cry so much that I don't have water coming out of my eyes anymore and it's like I ran out of tears. I just don't understand what I did. I feel like it's all my fault. Like there's something wrong with me that made you not like me anymore. I know I'm annoying and that's why I don't want to send you any of these. I know you started liking *girl he trashed me for* which is completely irrelevant but it kind of ties in. I know that you don't like me like that anymore but it just feels like you don't even want to be my friend. I want to know how I feel. I really do. I wish I could send one of these but I'm too afraid too. I'm afraid 're going to think that I'm stupid, or that I'm just seeking attention. I'm afraid that 'll like me even less and maybe even block me. I'm afraid of everything. I plan out all these worst case scenarios in my head. Who knows, maybe one day I'll accidentally hit send and you'll get one. Probably not but anything can happen. I just don't know what my problem is anymore. Is there something wrong with me? Why am I so unlikable? Why can't anybody stand me? That's something I'll probably never figure out. I'm gonna say something I've never told anyone and I probably never will because you'll probably never see this either. I kind of said it in my first one of these in this document but not fully. When you liked me, it made me feel confident. You're so amazing and to know that someone like you liked me made me so happy. I felt like I could do anything. You called me beautiful and I believed it sometimes. You gave me confidence and made me be who I truly was. I felt like I could be myself around you and that you wouldn't judge me. I now look back at all the memories and everything we've been through and I just sit and cry. I love and miss you so much. I don't know what to do anymore...

March 31st, 2020

today, you asked me to play fortnite with you. dude, you split the BIGGEST smile across my face. I was laughing because I was confused and you sent "Pwease 🥺👉👈" and my heart just MELTED. I miss you so much and I know you'll probably never see this but it helps for me to type it out. You are so freaking perfect.. you don't understand. You are so amazing and I can't even explain it. I wish you knew how I felt but I'm a wuss and won't send you any of these. This is the third day that I have written one of these (that I have tracked. there may have been more). I wish I could just tell you how much you mean to me. it's crazy. I don't know why I don't just tell you. I decide that I am, but then I chicken out. You are so freaking amazing and I just don't know what I'm gonna do when you finally move on completely. sometimes I regret what I did over the summer with *ex* instead of you but then again, it led to us being best friends, right? I guess. I don't have feelings for you like that anymore but sometimes I feel like I do. I don't know. I'm pretty sure I don't. I know it won't happen again and that's fine and I just think that I miss being your "world" I guess. I miss you giving me all your attention and trying to convince me to be your girlfriend. I just want to be best friends again though. I know it's a lot to ask but I just miss you so much. I cried AGAIN yesterday. it sucks. I go through old pictures and I start crying and crying, and I know it's bad for me but I just can't stop for some reason. I look at our "best friend" video and it makes me miss that so much. I made a list of all of our memories that I can remember and it makes me so sad to look at.