Writings of Expression

A Dear Friend Missed

I was shopping with my family for some last minute Christmas gifts when I received the news.
My favorite teacher, one of my best friends that I made just that year, had died mere hours before.
I saw a wolf plush, a dragon plush, a foam sword, and a toy blaster that couldn't end my pain.
A heart was crushed and numb, my mind spinning yet absolutely still, and then I changed.

My eyes beheld a tall young boy crying right before me after an older man said something to him.
My wings wouldn't move as I wanted to fly to the young lad and comfort him with my soft scales.
The young man seemed broken by what was said to him and he leaned on his elder for support.
I watched him walk past with shaky but firm steps as he glanced one final time at me in pain.
I saw his pain and yet I couldn't soften it and help him to have some comfort, and then I changed.

My firm yet malleable blade was pointed down, and I saw a boy approach and look at me.
His eyes held a pleading to end whatever suffering he was going through, yet I stood still.
Maybe the boy couldn't see it yet, but he was broken to be reforged into something stronger!
So I stayed my blade and looked on as the young man started to pass by, and then I changed.

I sensed a fellow soul and saw him approaching where I laid with shaky steps of heartache.
My packmate was hurting, and yet I couldn't move to lick his tears away and comfort him.
I wanted to find who had hurt my packmate, but not more than I wanted to comfort my brother.
He passed me by and seemed to draw enough strength from the older man he leaned against.
Brother, stay strong so you can lead a pack with strength drawn from this pain, and then I changed.

I walked on and tried to be strong as we finished shopping, but I just couldn't be strong for long.
That was the first night that I ever cried myself to sleep, and I didn't have any dreams either.
My sleep was just filled with pain, tears, and soft sobs from my wholly shattered heart and mind.
Since then, I have suffered from depression and the fear of drawing close only to lose friends.
From my pain and brokenness, I gradually found the strength to live and that is the day I changed.

A/N: I cried as I wrote this as I had to relive through the day that I lost one of my best friends and how I felt because I had lost one of my last pillars I could lean on for support with my full trust. Since then I have cried alone many times, contemplated suicide, and questioned life. I am telling you this so you can know where my strength comes from, and so you know that I know what pain is like. I have wanted to die several times since then because I haven't fully healed from that day, but each time I seriously thought about it I asked myself what there was to live for. An answer popped into my head and it was this: "Live for your family who love you, and if they are not enough, live for your friends who will miss you. If your friends still aren't enough, live for the people you will meet in the future who will be better just for meeting you." This has become my mantra for living every time I feel that my life is too difficult to live anymore. I know pain, I accept pain, but never again will I let pain affect me as strongly as it did that day. Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope that you have a great rest of your day/week!