Stef POV
"I am so over this. I mean what do I have to do. I have told you everything. How many time do I have to rehash this. Im done. Fuck this shit....Say something damn it." I say to Cindy.
" Stef why dont you calm down and sit back down."
I stare at her in disbelief.
"You know what? I need a break. Can I go to the restroom." I ask before turning and walking towards the door not waiting for an answer. I push the door open and walk to the bathroom. I walk to the sink not noticing the women drying her hands. I turn on the water and stares at it as the water falls down. thinking about Drew. Missing him but mostly missing the drugs. I look in the mirror not recognizing the reflection staring back at me. The bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep that I was getting. I hated this person and who she had become. the anger building up inside of me. I have never been an aggressive person before and I have never not been able to control my anger. I can feel my chest rising and falling. I lean over trying to take back over control, maybe that will help as it gets harder and harder for me to breath. I grab my chest and fall to the floor just like when they were taking Drew away from me.
"Just breath." I hear a voice saying. "In and Out. Slowly. That's it. Try to think about a happy thought." They says. My mind Immediately goes to Lena. I close my eyes and try to remember her smell of lavender from her shampoo and the way her face felt in my hands and her kiss on my neck. I suddenly start to feel me take back over my breathing. I continue to listen to this women like my life depended on it.
"Now, there we go. Do you think you can stand now." I open my eyes and nod at this older Black women, as she reaches and help pull me up off of the floor. She seems real nice. Its something about her though. since returning I haven't felt that urge to trust anyone. but she was different.
"Thanks." I say
"Panic attack huh?" She says handing me a torn piece out paper towel.
"Uh.. Yeah. I been haven't them since.... well for about 3 month now. How did you know what to do? Are you a Doctor or something?
"Not a doctor, but an expert in Panic attacks. My daughter use to have them when she was younger and I always had to help her through them. That is until we got her some help."
"Is that why you are where now? Getting your daughter help?"
"Well no, not really. I'm here to see one of my best officers and was waiting until their session was over to speak to them and see how everything is going." she says with a loving smile "I know that this situation is the best so I just want to show my support."
"I think that awesome. I'm sure they will be glad to see you.
"I hope so." she says as she extends her hand. "Hope you get out of here soon. You're sure that you'll will be ok."
"Yes thank you again." I say as I grab her hand and return with a shake.
With that she turns and walks out of the restroom. I take a deep breath wait a min and follow out behind her, returning to my cession.
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Lena POV
"Lena Baby. I'm sorry please believe me."
" im sure you are Lisa. Its not the first time or the second..... Do you really think that less of me to let your family treat and talk to me any kind of way?"
"Lena, I'm sure you're just over reacting."
I stare at her in disbelief, staring deep into her eyes to the depths of her soul searching to see if there is any hope in this relationship. I wait for what seems like hours but are only seconds. The next thing I know is the wet feeling on my checks. I feel weak, tire from fighting this long exhausting battle that I know in my heart has no end or relief. I cant hold it in any longer. I burst into tears.
"Lena baby, please dont cry. Im sorry. I know okay. I know. My mother is an asshole and my son is a jerk. But I cant loss you. I love you. I will try harder, ok? Please look at me."
I look up to her.
"Listen why dont we go away for a while? Just you and me. Maybe we can start fresh, like when we first met. Please I will do anything to get back your trust. we can even go to counseling if you want.
And once again I'm stunned. I'm in an emotional abusive relationship that I'm still trying to hold onto. But Lisa is here and I have no-one else so why not try one more time. At least I know she not cheating on me.
I take a deep breath and sigh out, "OK."
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Back to session
Stef POV
I walk back into the room. Feeling a little better than when I left. Cindy looks at me and motions for me to sit down as she says goodbye to whomever she is on the phone with. I do as im told and wait for her to come back and join me.
"Soooo. We need to talk about your progress Stef and why I haven't decided to recommend that you be discharged."
I sigh in deeply and try to keep focus on the task at hand. Trying not to become angry and remember that I need help and that this is the only wa0y to get my life back.
I shake my head telling her to proceed with what needs to be said.
"Okay. So usually when we get to this point in therapy and we dont really have a break through, the majority of the time I always suggest that the client gets another therapist. But before I dont that I always like to go over the things that I see but you may not be aware of. and with that said I think that now is the time that we will do that. And when we are finished with the session today you can decided rather you want to continue working with me. Okay?"
"Okay. That seems fair. I say politely."
" Okay Great. First things first. I have seem you come a from not talking to finally being able to talk about your life before you went undercover. That may not seem like much but that is a great stride but their are a couple of things that you wont talk about and that is what is going to determine your break through. Now im going to give you this list and we can read over them together. Now the key to this is not look at what's on the paper until I tell you."
I lean forward and take the pieces of paper from her.
"Okay so now we are going to look at the first thing on the list but one at a time. and each time we look at the word or sentence you have to wright do a number 1-10. 1 being the least amount of stress to talk about to me and 10 being the worst. But you have to me honest Stef, for me and most importantly for yourself..... Now are you ready?"
I take a deep breath and respond with, "Yes"
"Ok then lets pull down the sheet to the first word.
I pull down the first sheet to where I can only see one word, the first word which is Undercover. I search myself and think about how I feel. I write down a 5.
We continue doing this and I can feel my anxiety going up after each word.
Undercover: 5
Addict: 6
Marijuana: 4
Grey: 7
Death: 9
Cocaine: 9
Mike foster: 8
We finished all of these words when I thought we were done.
"Okay stef. We have one more that is going to be on the back of the paper. I want you to flip it over and tell me how you feel. Once you have dont that we should be able to move on to the next activity.
I feel that she is trying to set me up for failure but im ready for whatever it is. I mean really, with this list anyone can have the same result and not have been undercover.
"Okay let do it. Turn over the paper and read it out loud."
I turn over the paper and stare at the name on the sheet....DREW TURNER.
I stay to say his name but nothing come out. I look up to Cindy then back at the paper. She gives me a nod of encouragement. but I still can say it and dont know if I ever will.
"I cant."
"Its okay. This is exactly why I wanted to do this activity to make sure that you understand why you are still here and also how you can get out. Drew Turner is the only thing that we haven't talked about in depth. I know that it is hard but I have to make sure that you understand the magnitude of impact that he has over you emotional. I have to make sure that you understand that he is the bad guy, not you. I have to make sure that you can return to duty a the Stefanie Foster that Left 1 year ago and if not that the better version. I want to help you and I need to help. because what you did was extraordinary. what you did only took a year for someone that was in deep for 3. And I can do it but only if you are strong enough, which I know you are."
I look up to her with tears in my eyes. I never thought of myself as anything other than a failure. but this lady may have just turned that around.
We finish up the session and as I'm heading for the door she tells me that I have a visitor waiting for me. Really me a visitor I think. Wonder who that could be.
I thank Cindy again and tell her that I will see her the next day.
I close the door behind me and head to the department up front so that I can maybe get a glimpse of who is here to see me but the only person that is waiting there is the lady from the restroom. Our eyes meet and I give a quick nod to say hi again. She stands and walks towards me.
"Hey again."
Hey." I say
"Is your session over with."
"Yes." I say not really paying attention to her but still looking around hoping that I can see the person coming to visit. A small hope in the back of my mind is that person would be Lena.
She laughs.
"Are you looking for someone?" She says to me.
"Uhhh yes, yes I am. They said that I had a visitor but there is no-one here."
"Well, that because I am your visitor."
I stop looking around and look at her.
"You, You have come to visit me? Why? Who are you? Other than a lady that I just met in the restroom.
"Well why dont we go into one of the visiting rooms so I can explain." She says leading the way.
I'm kind of of hesitant at first but its just something about her that make me follow without question.
