A Triumph of Tomorrow

"Right now, I understand that life is not what you thought it will be. What you had dreamed of was destroyed by the reality you've faced. In the moment of unexpectancy, fighting the enemy was the only thing you had to think about. To be a hero, the only thing you focused on was saving everyone by becoming the target to your enemy. You've sacrificed yourself for others, even those you never met. And now with the mess created from the devil has only created more mess for yourself and everyone else around you. You're confused, lost, angry, ashamed, and grieving with the loss of those who were gone too soon. You cannot wrap around what you've witnessed. You want to scream, cry, and try to understand what happened, but you feel numb. The damage was done to you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Questions filled your mind with unsure answers. Thoughts soon consumed your mind and cannot stop running the race. Anxiety creeps in and makes you question everything around you. You soon feel as if you cannot breathe. But you cannot call for help, as if you feel hopeless. You feel as if all hope in what you've dreamed of was destroyed by the war that came out of nowhere. Lost, hopeless, shame, confusion, anxious, worry, and anger are all coming out at the same time. And the only thing you've kept wondering is: what did I do wrong? You've blamed yourself for the hurt of those surrounding you and for the lost souls that cannot be reached. Every question, every thought that was filled with hope and positivity are now filled with negativity and a loss of hope. You feel as if you cannot escape what was created. That you are trapped and bound in chains by the devil himself, making a declaration that he won this battle. That this may be the end of the life you always wanted to live in.

But, this is not the end of the war. There will be a triumph of tomorrow.

But, where do I begin? How am I able to reach the triumph of tomorrow? Follow your gut. Find someone and believe in their words. How was I able to find my triumph? I followed Someone who has saved me through my battles. Who is your motivation? Inspires you to become a better person? Encourages you and builds your hope and faith day by day? Find them. Reach out to them. Talk to them. Cry out to them. Plead with them. Allow them to answer your unanswered questions. Let them replace your negative thoughts and your anxiety with positive words that soon creates peace and joy within you. For several years, the war of my life against my mental health was a possible victory on their (aka, the enemies) side. Once my mom passed, I struggled to breathe and cope with grief. I was angry, upset, and depressed that soon switched my thoughts to something dangerous. I was in a place where my mindset was a constant reminder of who I thought I was: ugly, fat, not good enough to live in, worthless, a mistake, a problem in everyone else's life, so much more. I believed in those words and allowed them to swallow me up. My thoughts were becoming more dangerous, as suicide soon crept in. And my thoughts changed. It became a daily dosage of wanting to run away, end the world I lived in. In the last seven years, my life became hell emotionally and mentally. My mind was overpowered by negativity and suicide. And I was close on many occasions to end the life that was created. I felt no hope, no purpose, no joy in me. Ending it was the only thing I wanted to do to stop the pain. To remove the bondage that I desperately wanted to break.

But as many times I tried or pleaded to end my life, my God stopped me from doing it. And without Him, my life would have been long gone.

MY GOD IS THE ONE WHO SAVED ME FROM DEATH.

I found the Lord when I was 19 years old. July 10, 2018 was a night when I was saved and fully understood who He is. After getting saved, my life was not easy. I had to remove many things out of my life that were temporary. I went through trials of my biggest battles and conquered them with His strength. Before 2019 ended, I wanted to face one of my biggest battles and felt like it was time for me to face it. My biggest giant: facing the Goliath, my mental health. I knew that this one was going to be the hardest one I will ever fight in. And in 2020, I declared a year where my mental health would not overpowered me. Was it hard? Absolutely. Is it over? Not yet, but it will. I have been going through the good times that made me feel joy and also got to the point where I cried and wanted to give up this year alone. I kept reaching my comfort: my music, the fanfics off of my favorite shows that have safe and explicit content, videos off of Youtube, and social media. And I've done it all before for years and continued to do that today. But now, I go to my Father and talk to Him. And I feel safe through it all. When I'm anxious, I pray. When I'm upset or angry, I pray. When I am at peace and feel joy, I pray. Prayer has become my strongest weapon to conquer my battles. Philippians 4:6-7 has become a powerful verse that I actually experienced in 2020 alone. I feel peaceful after every prayer, knowing that my God has got this in His hands. I experienced His love and grace for me. I am learning the value of love from Him and others. For years, I didn't feel as if I deserve the love that was given to me by my family and my friends. I pushed it away and continued to dwell in the thoughts of negativity and suicide. But throughout time with blessings and forgiveness, I understand the value of love. I have learned this year the power of love to me and I want to love others just as God has loved me (and my family as well).

My triumph already came from Jesus, even when my battle is still in process. I know that in the end, through it all, God wins. God has loved me so much that He fought battles I never knew I had. I cannot guarantee that what I write is powerful. It's my testimony. And what's my goal in this: share this to find the lost soul. I want to be a hero and find the lost soul to Jesus. I am a Child of God. I am loved. I am worthy. I am a queen. I follow the light away from my darkness. I am redeemed. And I am saved. I am afraid. I still worry. There have been moments where I am not okay and allowed my anxiety and my bad behavior and attitude to make an appearance. I am not perfect. I had to learn that working at a retail store. But I am not bound to my mistakes. I am not bound to my anxiety and depression. I have been set free. The chains that were unbreakable soon became breakable. I am free. I am strong. I will win this in the Name of Jesus.

And you can too.

Joshua 1:9- "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be dismayed or trembled, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."