Planning for the Unplannable
I pulled myself out of my pity party. I had to stay strong. Strong for not only myself, but for Matthew. That is how my life had always been. I was always looking out for others. I was always my last priority. Period. No questions and no buts about it.
As I stood up from the uncomfortable hospital chair I looked over at Matthew. He had is head resting in the palms of his hands and his shoulders were shaking. This is the most I have ever seen him cry. I had seen him cry when his dog that he had owned since he was 3 died, when his sister miscarried her baby, and when we found out that John had cancer. That was it, and all those added up did not even amount the number of tears that he had cried today.
I had already shut down. This is what I do when something bad happens to someone I love. You see, I have an anxiety disorder that causes me to have panic attacks so bad that I am shaking, crying, and not breathing. The only way that I can stop them from happening is by shutting down completely. What is shutting down? It is when I put on a nonchalant face and pretend that everything is alright. I make it look like I am okay while internally I am screaming. Yet, I am disconnected. I talk to no one except Matthew and John, well when he was alive.
The doctors tell me that it's not healthy to shut down. They don't call it shutting down though. They call it a "fit." They say I use it to protest. They're wrong. I use it to save other people from worrying over me.
I walk over to Matthew and tap his shoulder. He looks up at me with tear-stained cheeks and glassy eyes. My heart breaks at this sight. I have to stop the tears from flowing right then and there.
"Hey Matt. Ya ready to go," I ask with a sympathetic smile on my face.
They had taken John's body to the morgue already, but let us stay in the room while we thought over the memories we had in here. We were supposed to be collecting all of John's stuff, but I knew that if I touched it I would break down even though I had already built up my wall. I would just call Matt's mom and ask her to pick up John's stuff. I knew my broken Matthew wouldn't be able to touch his stuff either.
"Yah, I guess we might as well leave," he replied shakily, "Shouldn't we start going-" I cut him off before he can finish already knowing what he is going to say.
"I am gonna call your mom and ask her to pick up his stuff. I know neither of us will be able to look at it right now."
After I say this he lets out a relieved sigh, "Good idea Trin. I can't believe I did not think about that."
"Hey it's okay! Don't stress it, okay? We both have had a realy long day and I think that we need to breathe and relax. It's pretty suffocating here with all the memories," I said quickly knowing that he was beginning to feel guilty for not supporting me. He only smiled in return.
"I'm going to call your Mom now and maybe a couple other ladies from church. We can go get something to eat," I say. He nods his head in agreement.
I pull my phone out and speed dial 2. She is 2 because 1 his Matt of course. They are the only family I had besided John , now they were literally the only family I had.
It ringed literally 1 and a half times before she answered.
"Hey Mrs.Rivero, can I ask you a favor," I ask as soon as she gives a timid hello.
"Of course darling, anything. You really don't even have to ask. I would do it for you no matter what," she replied quietly. I hated the sorrow I heard in her voice. It meant that she felt sorry for me. I hated people feeling sorry for me.
"Could you come to the hospital and collect John's stuff? Matt and I aren't excactly in the condition to look through it at the moment," I ask shakily. A lone tear escapes my tear ducts but I wipe it away quickly so Matt doesn't see it.
"Of course mi querida. I will be over there in 5 minutes. You and Matty wait there," I smile at the Spanish endearment that means "my dear." She only uses it for me.
I relply with a thank you and we exchange "I love you's" before I hang up. She was like my Mom. I was beyond grateful for her. I called about 3 more church ladies who said that they would come over and a bit and help Anita, Mrs.Rivero.
I walked over to Matthew again and let him hug me. We stood there until his Mom walked in. When she saw us she immediately ran over and pulled both Matty and I into an embrace. I breathed a little while I was in both of their arms thankful that I had them.
She kissed both of our heads before telling us to go have dinner. We both nodded our heads and walked out of John's room with our hands dangling together between us. I was glad that he was holding my hand. It gave me comfort when he couldn't hug me. That way I knew that he was always there and that I didn't have to look over every five seconds to make sure that he was there.
As we walked by the front desk, one of the nurses pulled us to the side.
"Miss Vein," she questioned. I nodded my head a little and replied with a yes.
"About a moth ago, someone came into the hospital and gave us a check for $75,000. He said to give it to the next family that lost a child. You guys were that next family. He said to do two things with it: pay for the funeral and pay all medical debt. The rest you can do whatever you want with," she explained.
My eyese widened. I looked at Matthew and then back to the nurse. I believe that her name was Annette. She gave a look of reassurance to confirm my questioning look.
I guess no one can ever plan for the unplannable.
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Hey y'all!
I know I said I would update more, but it has been crazy! I promise I will start updating more! Please bear with me though! Keep reading! I am praying for all of you!
Much love,
Paige <3
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