𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 | billie eilish

028

thursday - march 18, 2021

𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬𝐨𝐧
𝐧𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟐𝟔, 𝟑:𝟒𝟎𝐩𝐦
𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬

An exclusive situation which is worthy of notice and occurred in the past thirteen days was Savanna's long-desired second discharge from the hospital.

Doctors weren't able to detect the origin of her perturbing symptoms and her searing pain.

However, they did become aware of the fact that her cancerous tumors are mercilessly invading parts of her life-sustaining organs such as her heart and lungs.

Henceforth, she has purposeless weekly appointments. They're going to perform ineffective procedures, for example drawing her blood, only to witness her body gradually give up on her.

𝗧𝗵𝗿𝗲𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗵𝘀 𝗶𝗳 𝘀𝗵𝗲'𝘀 𝗹𝘂𝗰𝗸𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗲𝗻𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 Dr. Henris stated. 𝗔𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗸𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝘁𝗮𝗹.

A single reply of mine was a desperate sigh for alleviation of all the pain I'm facing on my own.

𝗜'𝗹𝗹 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂 were the few words she articulated before I chose to go to sleep ahead of my actual bedtime last night. 𝗗𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗜'𝗺 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗿 𝗻𝗼𝘁.

The look in her misty eyes divulged a secret she would have preferred to keep.

She is hankering for eternal relief, but apparently I am her sole reason to keep breathing.

In the absence of her I'm a forlorn person in a world of two-sided faces.

I would sense an even stronger feeling of desolateness spread throughout the entirety of my body if her demise transpired.

I'd be a step closer to the miracle of planetoids above on the starry, midnight blue sky.

I'd be closer to him. And her.

But there's Billie.

The girl whose head is leaned against my shoulder in this present moment as we're watching the sun fall closer to the horizon.

Mercifully, the beach isn't teeming with people anymore, hence we're more or less entirely by ourselves.

The mellow sound of waves crashing against ancient rocks is therapeutic,

seagulls are orbiting above our skulls,

and this is the first time in months that I feel at peace and not strangely detached from this body, which belongs to me.

However, there's a simultaneous, unexplainable sensation of melancholy striking me.

Being mindful of the fact that none of this is going to last forever pains me mentally.

A silent, hot teardrop courses down the side of my face as the bittersweet recognition of that comes into my consciousness.

𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝘄𝗮𝘆, 𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘁?

𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗮 𝘄𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘂𝗽, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗜'𝗺 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗸𝗲.

A sigh follows my subtle sniffle.

"It's been a while since I felt that happy," Billie coos.

The opposite of her statement suits my instant situation.

I'm becoming more attracted to her flattering words, her flirty remarks and most importantly, her smile.

Although it feels similar to a crime, I can't stop myself from involuntarily committing it.

"Mh," I hum and notice that my teardrop just dripped onto her smoky gray hoodie, darkening the thick material.

"Sorry," she apologizes hastily. "That was the wrong thing to say."

"No.. no, it's okay," I reply lowly and shift in my position, causing her to do the same. "Why would you be sorry for feeling good?"

"You know why," she mumbles and turns her head to study my visage and reaction to her words.

"But I don't want you to feel like you aren't allowed to be happy when I'm with you, like, that's so fucking stupid," I simplify what I was previously trying to imply. "If I make you feel bad about yourself, please tell me. I need you to be honest with me, okay?"

Her lips part for a split second but she presses them together quickly after.

There's an idea, either good or wicked, circling her mind. An idea I'm unconscious of.

Her eyes remain lingering on me for a little while before an unanticipated moment turns into reality.

I flinch as her bitterly freezing palms graze my cheeks, and then she gently pulls my face closer to hers.

Before my lips brush against hers, another tear escapes the corner of my eye and my hands get lost in her hair.

Three seconds.

Three seconds that correspond to eternity.

At least that's the feeling that creeps into my veins.

My heart is pounding at an unpleasantly inconsistent pace as she physically disconnects from me.

𝗜 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱'𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝘆.

Surprisingly, the both of us give the impression of being at an almost identical loss of words.

I scrunch up my nose momentarily and hold my head down in order to conceal a smirk from being caught sight of by her.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘁 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱𝗻'𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗺 𝘀𝗼 𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴.

I become cognizant of a deep urge of having to to flee from this situation. For no specified reasons.

It's the chaos of emotions in my body, everything's seemingly too much for me.

"Hey," she speaks softly and lets her thumb wipe my glistening skin dry. "Why are you crying, baby?"

"I don't even know," I whisper candidly and chuckle. "I'm just a bit overwhelmed, I guess."

"Come here," she smiles sympathetically and wraps her arm around my shoulders prior to leaning her head against mine.

A shiver travels down my spine as she lovingly rubs my upper arm.

𝗜'𝗺 𝗳𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻'𝘁 𝗮𝗳𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀.

Countless minutes proceed in total noiselessness up until the point she decides to raise her voice another time.

"Ella," she calls my name in hushed tones to catch my attention.

"Mh," I hum contently as the mild wind is softly blowing my hair.

"Can I tell you something?"

Hope - XXXTENTACION

⚡️

thank you all for so much love.

also, no spoilers but.. the last chapter will
probably be the most beautiful thing i've ever written. i'll try to hurry up, i promise.