I hastily walked through the halls of the school. It was last period and everyone was just about to leave. I wanted to get out of here before the storm. I locked up my classroom and ran.
I tried not to stomp with my thick boots but I did, like a child.
Felt thick New York air hit me as I charged through it. The train station. My hands were shaking so much that I could barely unzip my pocket to get my metrocard out. I felt like a pussy. I didn't think it was possible to get like this again.
The uptown came. I didn't sit. Sitting breeds thinking. I stood in a rather complicated position which made me focus on staying balanced than anything. When I got this job I loved how close it was to my apartment, now I'm dreading it. Got off on 116th. I moved out. Still with Des. It's hard to find a good roommate, might as well stay with her. In fact it was her who called me.
And she never calls me at work.
I thought our place caught on fire or the super found another reason to fine us.
1 more block.
I clenched my handbag. She called to say that I had a message on the machine for me. Ok, and? I was confused. Spit it out Des, I told her. She said it was from him, Cillian.
Fucking Cillian.
She gave me time to react. But I simply didn't.
Fuck
She began to tell me what he said but I stopped her. I felt sick then and I felt sick now. It was a name I chose to avoid. Every now and then, I'd get a Christmas card that got swiftly intercepted by Des and tossed. But he never called. He was more of a pussy than I was.
I ran up the stairs and unlocked the door. I ran straight to machine and pressed play. I skipped to the last of our 4 messages.
Ahem.
That's all I heard for the first few seconds. I would have hung up by now.
"Hi! Uh, hi. It's me, Cillian. You were the maid of honor at my wedding. Ha, yeah."
This is so awkward.
"Well, I Uh, well. I'm moving back to the States, temporarily. I got a fellowship at Columbia, so i'll be there for a year. But, uh, I would love to swing by and catch up while we're there."
He paused.
"I miss you Lu-"
"End of messages," the automated machine interjected.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Des peered from the corner, concerned. Despite my internal breakdown, I was cool out the exterior.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah", I whispered.
"Are you gonna call him back?"
I gulped, "no."
She nodded her head and came beside me. As dramatic as it was, my chest was hurting.
When I left Ireland, I thought that it was the end. That I wouldn't think about him anymore. But that wasn't the case. I missed him. I craved him. I did all the things I didn't want to do. I regressed into old patterns. I started smoking again. I quit but I could really go for a cigarette right now. I should smoke some weed to balance out. But it's been years since.
At this point, Angela and Cillian were names that I eliminated from my memory. And my life continued.
But I feel like all that progress is halting. Stop being so pessimistic. I can't. I'm too old to get this caught up on a guy. A guy I haven't seen in what, 5 years?
