Chapter 9: Hopes and Dreams

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Osamu

I had no idea how long I stood there in the park all by myself. My body was frozen through and numb. Even when I got back, the house felt empty and cold, going straight to my room and flopping down on my bed. Laying there on the stomach, I took out my phone.

'I have to fix this...' Was the only thing I could think about.


Saturday
9.31 PM

Osamu: Hey
Hana-chan
Hanako
...
Well at least you haven't blocked me yet

Hanako: Do you think it is wise to say anymore today?

Osamu: I have to make this right.
Please listen to me

Hanako: ...
Go on

Osamu: What I said was dumb
I didn't mean it like that

Hanako: Was what you said at the park the truth?

Osamu: Does it matter?

Hanako: Were those your real feelings?
Your real thoughts?

Osamu: You didn't deserve to hear those things
I'm sorry

Hanako: Answer the question.
You always do this.
You always avoid questions you rather not answer!
That's exactly why we are here right now

Osamu: Hanako...

Hanako: Just answer me

Osamu: Yes
Everything I said are my real thoughts and emotions

Hanako: ...

Osamu: Please say something

Hanako: I should leave
Even if its just to protect the last shred of my self-worth

Osamu: Please don't
Listen

Hanako: No
I feel like the little secret affair of a married man
Hiding behind the back of everyone in his life

Osamu: I love you

Hanako: I don't even know you
You keep everything hidden
You kept me hidden

Osamu: Hanako...
I'm so sorry
Lets talk about this

-This message could not be sent. The contact might have blocked you.-

Hanako!

-This message could not be sent. The contact might have blocked you.-

Shit

-This message could not be sent. The contact might have blocked you.-


Out of frustration I just let go of my phone and it dropped onto the floor. At this moment my brother came back, looking surprised that I was laying there. I turned to my other side so I didn't have to look at him.

"Where have you been? I started looking for you because you didn't come home. Did you go see your girlfriend?" His voice irritated me. I wanted to be alone with my stupidity and the sensation of my heart which was on fire. It burned... and it hurt like nothing I have ever felt.

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"She isn't my girlfriend..." I admitted. This just put more fuel onto the fire raging inside me. I wanted to punch something... If I could beat the shit out of myself, I would. I could do it to Atsumu, but I knew I was really the one at fault.

'This whole time... I've done nothing but self-sabotage this relationship. Being selfish, letting my possessive feelings poison what we had.'

"Huh? Can you finally make up your mind? Why did you get so pissed at me if she isn't?"

"... At least she isn't anymore... She hates me." My brother stopped doing whatever he did. The feeling of his eyes boring into my back was unbearable.

"What's so special about her anyway? Letting her distract you from volleyball. Being so sappy when it's over. Are you sure we are related?" He couldn't understand... Finding the person that makes you happier than you have ever been... You might feel like there is nothing lacking in your life, until that person arrives.

"Just shut up. I'm exhausted from the matches." I decided to simply ignore him and close my eyes but I couldn't sleep all night. Only in the morning when the sun rose, was I able to succumb to sleep.

'She won't come to the park anyway...'


Hanako

The majority of last night was spent with me crying. My eyes were red and puffy, but I still left the house.

'I know I shouldn't go... It's stupid.' But there is this little bit of hope inside of me. The tiny voice that wants to see him. My feet automatically led the way to the park.

Hiding behind a couple of trees, I looked over to the fountain. Last night replayed in my mind. If my tears had not run dry already, I would have shed some more.

"Like I thought... He isn't here... " It wasn't that I expected him to be. But it also didn't stop the cold feeling spreading through me.

'It's weird to be so worked up while only knowing each other a little while... Would I do it differently if I could do it again? Taking more time, being more persistent with getting to know him? Asking different questions... Or would we have ended up the same? Who was at fault? Him? Me? Maybe nobody and maybe both of us at the same time.' With a sigh I let myself slip down the trunk of the tree I was leaning against.

"It's no use to point fingers when everything has already fallen apart..." My voice trailed into nothingness. 'If this can ever be repaired, we both would need to glue together the pieces... Or start fresh, building something greater than we had going before.' The sky above was a bright blue with the sun dancing among the few clouds. I pulled out the book I had borrowed from the library.

'You wanted me to read to you... To translate it for you. Would it make you happy if you knew I am doing it?' I opened up the book and started reading, translating it on the fly, having no one to listen to my voice or caring about it.

I sat there reading out loud till the sun went down and it became too dark. 'You didn't show up... I guess hopes don't always become true. Maybe they were futile from the beginning.' Packing up my things I went home.


Osamu

I had overslept the whole day and was rudely awoken by a kick. My eyelids opened reluctantly and I looked over to a clock on the wall.

"It's dinnertime, princess! Get yer ass out of bed already!" Instead of heeding his command, I turned around and closed my eyes again. I wanted to go back to my dream.

My dream was so beautiful... I met her at the park like yesterday never happened. She read a book to me, while I rested my head on her lap. It was only us, no other person in the entire park. I wanted to go back to my dream, escaping reality.

The pillow was all of the sudden rudely ripped from underneath my head and it smashed into my face. "HEY!" I sat up and glowered at my brother.

"Oh shut yer trap, stupid! Go and eat, mum refuses to make dinner till you get up! I'm starving!" What an annoyance he was.

"Then starve. Survival of the fittest."

"Is that a challenge?" He could not be serious about this...

"Kita will force-feed us if we start doing this. We can hardly play if we don't have the energy." I had to give up and got up from my bed. Going to the bathroom my eyes travelled up to my face.

'I look like I died... Food and some water don't seem like a bad idea. And tomorrow...? I will just try to get her off my mind before I go crazy.' I splashed some cold water into my face to help me wake up. Normally the vibration of my phone whenever I got a message from her was enough to wake me up, but that wasn't going to happen anymore.

'Where is my phone anyway?' I patted my shorts, not finding anything to be in it. Thinking back, I vaguely remembered it falling which led me to my bed. My brother must have kicked it underneath there. I grabbed into the dark space below the bed, feeling something else next to my phone.

I pulled both out with a sigh before looking at the object I pulled out along with my phone. The photo booth strip. After I had given her the bookmark, she insisted on me taking the other one. I had initially refused, saying something cheesy like 'We would be making more memories like this...' but she wanted me to have it.

'I look so damn happy in those... A happy fool and a beautiful princess. It was never meant to be. I was no prince.' I walked over to the trash can next to the desk, that never really got used since studying was neither of our strong suit. 'I should just let it go... My heart is already heavy enough without the physical evidence of what's lost.' With this thought on mind, I braced myself to let go of it. 

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