‘What do you want to know?’ I shrug, knowing very well I’m not good in telling things about myself. I tend to ask people all sorts of questions, to prevent them from asking something back. But I think he already figured that out.
I rolled back on the matrass, so I could see his eyes. I like seeing someone’s eyes when I’m talking to them. So we’re back in our original spots: facing each other, lying on the bed.
‘Do you have brothers or sisters?’ He starts.
That’s an easy question and I love him for taking that one first.
‘No. I’m an only child.’ I answer him. ‘Although I kind of see Harry like the brother I never had.’
‘You’ve known him for a long time then?’
‘Yes! From when we were in elementary school. We’ve always been best friends.’
‘That’s amazing.’ He nods, genuinely happy for me. ‘So you never missed it? Having a brother or sister?’
I shake my head surely. ‘No. I mean… You always wonder how it would be of course. But I never really missed it.’
‘And what about your parents? How are they?’
That was the question I did not like. Although I knew it would be the next one, it still left me unprepared and at loss for words for just a couple of seconds.
And then I realized I actually never really talked about this with someone. I never told someone aside from Harry.. And I never had to tell him the whole story, because he already knew. He’d been there, every step of the way.
I took a deep breath before I started talking, not sure how this whole story was going to come out.
‘I’m not going to tell you every single detail because I don’t think that’s at all necessary.’ I start, letting him know this is not an easy subject for me. ‘My parents never really were supportive. I was an accident. They never wanted children, but then I happened and after lots of discussions, they decided to keep me. I like to think I was an easy child. I was good in school. Not the best, but definitely not the worst either. My parents were rarely home. They are both doctors and they had the longest working shifts. Day and night. I was pretty much home alone most of the time. Not that I really mind, because after some time you get used to it and it comes to a point where you can’t even stand it anymore when they are home.’
Zayn never left my glance. Like he wanted to catch every single emotion he could possible read off my face. I on the other hand, found it hard to look at him while explaining. Instead I was staring at my hands, not daring to see his face expressions change during my story.
‘The only thing my parents really wanted was for me to become a doctor or something medical. I think it kind of was their last hope on making their ‘mistake’ work. But, obviously, I didn’t want it. And I’m that kind of girl who knows what she wants. So when I decided to go for teacher, they were furious and we were at each other’s throat all the time when they were home, which was rare during that period in my life. But it all stopped when I decided I wanted to move out. I was in my first year of college and about 19 years old.’
‘Did they agree?’ Zayn’s voice sounds soft and caring, something I never heard from either one of my parents.
His question made me push out a forced and fake laugh. ‘I know it sounds awful, but they actually were relieved. They gave me a sum of money and I basically was out the house a week later. I stayed at Harry’s house for a while, until I found my own place. I was still studying at the time so I worked my butt off to pay my rent every month. I worked in Liam’s café practically every single night and in the week-ends, which was hard combining it with my studies. It wasn’t a great time for me. It’s only now I graduated that I start to find my way again.’
My eyes move from my hands to Zayn’s face. He’s staring at me with a frown featuring his forehead and I’m not really able to read his eyes.
‘Sometimes I think they better aborted me to be honest with you.’ I mutter. ‘I know it’s awful to say but feeling so worthless and not cared for isn’t really how you want to be treated as a child.’
‘It is awful to say, yes.’ Zayn responds sternly. ‘I don’t want to hear you say that again.’
‘It’s always been there, Zayn. In the back of my mind. I can’t shake that thou-…’
‘Stop it. I let you say it once. Don’t want to hear it again.’
‘But…’
‘No. Evelyn. Don’t.’ He finishes me and his eyes stare darkly in mine, threatening me without words to not go on with whatever I wanted to say next. It kind of reminds me of the day I told Harry this bit. It was probably somewhere in tenth grade. He kind of reacted the same way as Zayn.
‘You are cared for by the way.’ He continues, able to calm himself down again. ‘Harry cares. Your friends care… I care.’ It was the last bit I was waiting for. The last bit that made my heart skip a beat.
But something bothered me. And I knew from the moment I would say it, the moment would be ruined, but I couldn’t let this go.
‘And somehow, you still walk in that café, with a gun. And my best friend got shot, almost making me even more alone than I already am.’
‘I didn’t have a choice.’ He answers between his teeth.
Those words made me sit up straight away, bringing him to do the exact same thing.
‘You always have a choice, Zayn. You chose to step in that first time in the café, preventing Stefan from shooting. You chose to stop it again the second time. Why can’t you choose to stop it immediately?’
Somewhere in the middle of my line he gets up from the bed and from the moment I stop talking he starts again.
‘Evelyn, I told you how Stefan works. And even if I didn’t care about his threatening… Do you actually think I would bale out myself, leaving them alone in that café with you? Increasing the possibility that stupid Tom guy would’ve caught you instead of me?’
‘That’s not what this is about, Zayn.’ I get up myself as well.
I want to go on, but he doesn’t even give me a chance. ‘This is exactly what this is about, Evelyn. Don’t think I can make Stefan quit. Sure I can quit myself. But that is not what I want. I want my friends to be okay and I want you to be okay and I want Stefan in prison, where he actually belongs. Don’t care if I have to join him.’
‘Oh yes. Your ‘friends’.’ I roll my eyes at him. We’re both standing on the opposite sides of the bed, yelling at each other, like a married couple. Although the subject isn’t really the married type one. ‘Your best friend who nearly killed Harry. Great friend he is. Yes.’
‘He didn’t have choice.’ It’s more a growl than anything else.
‘YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE, ZAYN!’
‘EXACTLY! HIS CHOICES WERE SHOOTING SOMEONE OR HAVE STEFAN SHOOTING EVERYONE IN THE ROOM. AND HE CHOSE FOR THE FUCKING FIRST OPTION.’
That quietens me instantly.
‘What?’ I gasp in silence.
It makes Zayn calm down a little bit as well, but the darkness never leaves his eyes. ‘It was all just a twisted mind game of Stefan. I didn’t know anything about it. Believe me… I lashed out on Lou as well.’ He takes a deep breath and I can see in his eyes he still feels awful about it. ‘But now I know why… I kind of don’t blame him and I would have done the same thing.’ He makes me drop my jaw more with every sentence he adds. ‘He aimed for the shoulder, Evelyn. I told you immediately that he would be alright. We know where to shoot. He shot somewhere he’d knew Harry wouldn’t suffer too much from it, and it would definitely not kill him.’
I wait for more but soon enough I realize he’s done talking about it.
‘This needs to stop, Zayn.’ I whisper softly, but loud enough for him to hear on the other side of the bed. ‘If Stefan plays this kind of games, they’ll only get worse. People will die.’
‘As if I don’t realize that…’ It’s more of a mumble while his eyes leave mine, and he walks away towards the window, placing his two hands on the sill. And then I see his façade fall down. He tries to hide it, but the broken man inside never stops haunting him. And every time he needs to hold a gun, every time he hears a shot in his presence, a little piece of his humanity crumbles down.
For a moment we both stand there in silence, complete darkness around us except for my little night light on the bedside table.
It’s 2 am and I am wide awake, looking at the man that stole my heart, but somehow isn’t able to give his away. He kissed me… He sure did. But that doesn’t hide the fact that he’s afraid. That doesn’t hide the fact that he still is not sure if he’s doing the right thing. He more likely is doing the wrong thing, just like I am.
But for some reason tonight, wrong feels kind of right.
I slowly place one foot after the other in his direction, so silently and slightly hesitating that he probably doesn’t hear my footsteps coming closer. I keep going until I stand right behind him, hesitating again, before I wrap my arms around his chest and rest my cheek on his back.
‘Stay with me tonight.’ My whisper interrupts the silence. I know I asked him this already, but somehow I’m afraid he changed his mind again. So I ask him again and immediately one of his hands finds mine on his chest. He intertwines his fingers and squeezes them. He doesn’t need to say anything because I already know what’s going through his mind. ‘I know you’ll leave again. But please… Just tonight. It’s Wednesday tomorrow, I’ll leave for work. I’m visiting Harry in the hospital afterwards but I’ll be back around two. I won’t ask you to stay till then, but I would love it if you did.’
A small, frustrated groan leaves his lips, like he is so conflicted with every choice he needs to make.
Suddenly he surprises me with turning around in my arms and kissing me from the moment our eyes lock. He cups my cheeks and pulls me close to his lips, making my heart flutter. Our kiss lasts for seconds, but when it stops it still doesn’t feel like it was long enough. I long for his lips to touch mine. I long for it to last for ever.
He caresses my cheek while our eyes meet again. His look like they’re in pain. In a self-conflicted pain of frustration and indecisiveness. But then something changes. I can’t pin point what, but something clicks.
‘Let’s just start with spending the night.’ He whispers when our foreheads touch, instantly causing a smile to appear on my face.
‘I love that start.’
‘Me too.’
