rant

apr 8

Abandonment.

Warning: this part will include stuff from my past that may make others uncomfortable.

That word has always scared me since i was little. Do you know what abandonment is?

Abandonment is when someone comes into your life. They get close to you. Really close. You feel like you can tell them anything. You can do anything. You can be yourself around them. You can smile and joke and be happy with them.

But they leave. They leave you all by yourself. They walk out of your life without a second thought. Its like your in a box, trapped. No way to get out. And when they leave that box, its just you. All alone in your little box. Cold. You may try to escape the box. To chase after them and beg them to stay. To hug you and tell you everythings okay. But you can't escape. You're stuck in the box. Now, they may come back when they're bored. Or when they have no one. They'll come back to you and treat you like you're everything to them. But then they leave again.

They continue to leave and come back for a while. And you grow comfortable with the idea that they'll always come back. But they stop. They stop coming back. They leave you for good.

Abandonment is the realization that that one person, the person that means everything to you. The person you'd do anything for, leaves. They leave you. The one person you can live without leaves you alone in a box.

Have you ever felt that? Felt abandonment?

i have. And thats why im so scared. I used to think i couldn't live without him. Id do anything for him. And I'd let him do anything he wanted to me. Whether he wanted to cut me and drink my blood, or hit me, or even worse. I didn't care. Because that the time, he was my one person. I didn't care about anyone else. Only him. My thoughts, feelings, body, and soul were his. All his. No one else's. I was his little doll.

You know, he used to call me kitten.. He'd always pet me and play with my hair, watch me sleep and play with my fingers. He always liked my hands because they were so tiny. He'd kiss and rub them and he'd constantly hold my hand. He was always so gentle to my hands, until he cut them open.

He loved staring into my eyes. And i loved looking into his. His beautiful green eyes. His messy hair. His soft lips. He'd always say i had the darkest eyes. And it made him wonder what kind of person I'd end up being. He said I'd end up growing dark and gray, like him. I'd be reckless and careless and only obedient to him. I guess he was right.

He had something special about him. He could see auras. He said mine was pink blue and white. He was right at the time. I was innocent. And stupid. But i was in love. He gave me butterflies 24/7. He made my heart beat out of my chest. I was addicted to him. His eyes, his words, his touch. Even when he was rough, I'd still let him. He'd hold me while i cried, after he did what he wanted. He'd calm me down right before brynja walked in. She never suspected a thing. I dont know how she couldn't. There were many times when i looked like i was crying. My eyes were swollen from his hand.

He was my addiction. My lover. My lion.

My abuser.