Chapter Twenty Three
With my back against the headboard and my knees curled up to my chest I hugged myself, unable to fall asleep. It was dark, the only light came from the moon that filtered in through my window, the curtains were drawn and the stars twinkled innocently down at me. My mind backtracked to Emma’s attempts to calm me down, I told her to go away, to leave me alone, I also remembered the hurt expression flitting across her face as she stopped her desperate attempts and slowly edged out of the room, worry in her eyes.
I didn’t mean to, I was crumbling to pieces and I didn’t need anyone to witness it, was that so bad? Of course it was. I squeezed my eyes shut, of course it was.
Just what happened here? I leaned my head back, too much.
The fight and that punch I threw today, I mentally paled, what was I thinking? Punching her? It was such a stupid thing to do, I might get killed tomorrow. And that whole thing with Jayden today, the warehouse and ice-cream, it made me feel alive, made me feel worth something, made me feel warm and buttery inside. Then mother showed up at home, with Chase out of all people. She paid attention to me, asked me about school, smiled at me, willingly spoke to me, made me feel okay for a while but bitter all the same.
And Chase being here at this house brought back memories that tumbled over each other, memories of when I first had butterflies swarm my stomach and discovered the feeling of love. It made me wonder what happened, made memories unfold again. I didn’t like it because I liked those memories.
Chase and my mum interacting like they always have did a number on me, even back then my mother was just the same towards me but when she caught wind of Chase and I she showered me with attention and whenever he was around, her undivided attention went to him and I was okay with that, as long as she was happy with my choices.
But it was different now, I’ve founded a new hate, a hate that I loathe, a hate towards my mother and I didn’t even know when it happened. It pained me, made my heart squeeze uncomfortably in my chest.
I lifted my hand in front of my face, examining the bracelet wrapped around my wrist; the silver glinted weakly in the pale light. It was so tempting, I can make it go away, I can find my release but this piece of metal stopped me, there were still several spots on my skin that were clean, I could open up new wounds so they wouldn’t notice.
There was a blinking of light followed by a loud ring that sounded from on top of my desk which caught my attention, I dropped my hand and stared at the table curiously, did I imagine it?
Another flash and tone.
I got up, Obsidian stirred as I disturbed the bed but he didn’t wake up, he was curled up on one of my covers that was pushed to the side. I fumbled around the table for a while when I discovered my phone lying there. I picked it up and saw that I had two new messages, I unlocked my phone, it was a Whatsapp message, I didn’t have Whatsapp… and it was from Jayden.
‘I can’t sleep, can you’ he says and then adds ‘?’
I wandered back to my bed as I stared blankly at the screen; I glanced up and saw that it was about 3am. Was this what he was doing with my phone earlier? Why was he awake at this time anyway?
Another tune played as a new message appeared.
Jayden: ‘I can see that you’re online you know, what’s wrong?’
Me: ‘Nothing.’
Jayden: ‘You can tell me’
A little emotion rang through me and I didn’t feel like answering, was it really just me that felt that awful air around us?
Me: ‘Today was a bit much’
My finger hovered over the send button for a moment before I touched it. I felt stupid. It was a while before he answered.
Jayden: ‘Yeah, it was wasn’t it?’
I stared at the screen, was he ignoring what happened? How do I bring it up?
Me: ‘You didn’t say goodnight to me’
I put my phone aside horrified that I’d sent that. I wasn’t thinking again. My eyes were wide and I dreaded seeing his answer to that. I felt my heart beat rapidly and I heard the tune and saw the flash but I didn’t pick my phone back up.
Why did I feel like I was wrecking everything already? Why did I feel so attached to him? I grabbed a pillow and smashed it in a hug as I stared at my phone. I hated texts; I could never tell what a person was really feeling behind a wall of text.
I gingerly picked up my phone, two words: ‘come here.’
I switched off my phone and leaned my head against the headboard again, holding the pillow close. Staying here… a sharpener could work, I just have to break it.
Sighing I got up again, sliding off the bed, Obsidian yawned hugely blinking his eyes open when I opened the door and the halls light streamed into the room. I heard the slight thud of his small body as he trotted towards me, his claws making clicking sounds against the wooden floorboard.
I picked him up and cuddled him to me, he rubbed his furry little face lovingly against my jaw, hm cats weren’t so bad.
He jumped out of my grasp halfway up the stairs on the other side of the manor.
When I’d gotten to Jayden’s door, I paused rethinking my decision. Obsidian pawed at the door, making scratching noises. With my heart beating anxiously against my ribcage I opened the door, the golden light from the hall spilling into his dark room, I’ve never been inside of his room before.
Obsidian streaked through the hallway and disappeared behind a corner losing interest in Jayden’s door.
Jayden’s eyes were on mine, they were dark as night as he sat on the window seat that looked out to the massive backyard and part of the roof.
Swallowing my anxiety I closed the door behind me, the dim light from the lamps made the room glow warmly. I made my way towards him as he stood up and wrapped his arms around me, his warmth filling me up.
“I’m sorry” he murmured against my hair, I tightened my arms around him nodding against his chest, being alone and quiet for such a long time made me reluctant to speak.
He tipped my head backwards and kissed me tenderly, his lips were soft and gentle against mine, speaking to me in a thousand silent ways.
When he backed me up and the back of my knees hit the edge of the bed and he was leaning over me, I didn’t stop him.
When I woke up the next morning, I was pressed against Jayden’s chest, his arms around my bare waist. My heart fluttered and I buried my head into the pillow blushing.
Way too many things had happened, but at least this one felt right even if it didn't go too far.
With a slight jolt I remembered that my mother was home. Oh shit…
I craned my neck to look at the digital clock on the bedside table to see that it was just after sunrise and with another sudden realization I remembered that it was Tuesday- a school day,
OH SHIT.
My face was flushed with fervor and my hands trembled, it was such a long time since I’ve felt like a guilty child about to get scolding from my mother and the thing I’d done wasn’t exactly innocent.
And then I remembered a vague memory of just before I fell asleep last night, Jayden had kissed my hair saying something about making it right. I thought hard but I still wasn't sure if it happened or not.
Jayden stirred and I turned around to face him, his hair was flopped over his face and when he’d opened his chocolate eyes he gave me a lopsided grin, “G’morning Alex”
My heart melted and my worries washed away.
That’s what scared me, it scared me how he could control my emotions and make me feel. But what scared me more was that I didn’t care and I found myself thinking that even if he could hurt me worse than anybody, it was okay.
But the scariest thing about love is that you become blind.
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