I pull my shirt over my head and look at myself in the mirror, frowning. I poke and pinch my stomach, tug at my hair, trace the freckles over the bridge of my nose, pick at the scar on my lip and my blonde eyebrows. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm short. I'm ginger. I'm useless. I'm talentless. I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I'm me. I'm Ed Sheeran.
I let out a frustrated shout and collapse face first on my bed, resting my head on my arms.
I sigh as I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. It's not long before there's a knock on my door.
"What?" I didn't intend for that to come out as sharp as it did.
"Can I come in?" Stus already quiet voice is muffled further by the door, but I still hear him.
I sigh again. He only uses that voice when he's worried or upset. Right now it's probably the former, judging by the fact that he probably heard me.
"Yeah, sure..." I murmur. I'm not really in the mood to talk to anyone right now, but I know he won't leave me alone until he thinks I'm alright.
The door creaks open and I feel the bed dip when he sits on the edge of it. He puts a hand on my bare back and I mentally curse myself for flinching. But he just waits patiently until I relax again before putting his hand back, this time more on my shoulder.
"You alright?" He asks carefully.
"Fine." I mumble into the pillow. I know it won't work, but I'll try anyway. Just incase he'll actually leave it at that and I can avoid this conversation.
"Okay, I'll word it differently. What's wrong?" Yeah, it didn't work.
"Nothing's wrong." Not giving up yet though. "I'm just stressed." I add when I can practically feel Stus eyebrows shoot for the stars.
He sighs. "At least turn around so I can see you?"
I tense again. Turn around? Then I can't hide my face, or my stomach, and I'll have to look him in the eye. I can't do that. I don't want him to see me. See my flaws. And, trust me, I have a lot. Some are easier to hide than others. I think he took my hesitation as an answer though.
"Why don't you come downstairs for some food? It's past noon and you haven't eaten yet." He asks instead.
"No thanks, I'm not hungry." I shoot down his idea immediately.
He didn't say anything for a while, just moved his hand up and down my back. It gave me a little bit of comfort and I didn't want him to stop.
"Where's your shirt?" I frowned a little before he continued. "It's in the middle of november and the window is open, we don't want you getting sick."
I finally lifted my head off the pillow, just to check, and so it was. The window was wide open letting the cold breeze in, and even a light drizzle of rain. How did I not notice before?
"Ed?" Stus voice stopped my train of thought and I realized he was still waiting for an answer to the question.
I waved my hand towards the floor beside the foot of my bed. "It's over there."
Stu stopped rubbing my back and got up. I only had a few seconds to miss the warmth before it was replaced with the soft fabric of my shirt.
"If you change your mind there's some food in the fridge we can heat up for you." He said before closing the window and leaving the room.
After the click of the door I laid there in silence for a few minutes before I sat up and pulled my shirt back on. I went downstairs and passed the two of them on the couch, Stanley and Graham cuddled between them. Stu was doing some work on his laptop and Liberty was watching some tv show I don't know the name of.
They both sent me a look as I walked by. Graham even jumped off the couch and ran to me, Stanley looking very unhappy to have lost his cuddle buddy, I crouched down and scratched him behind his ears. I smiled as he purred and stood up.
"I'm just gonna go for a walk." I answered the questioning eyes.
They nodded and I went to leave. As I reached for the door handle Liberty pointedly cleared her throat. I turned to look at her and she nodded towards my coat.
"Sorry." I dragged out the word, taking my coat off the hanger and she smiled.
I chuckled at Graham meowing as I walked out the door, making it sound like he was saying goodbye, but he probably just wanted me to give him food.
The cold wind slapped my face and whipped my hair. It was refreshing and I walked with long strides along the sidewalk, not really knowing where I was going just following the road randomly.
I walked about for a long time letting my thoughts run wild, before deciding I should start to head back. Liberty would get worried if I was gone too long. Stu would try to tell her I was a grown man who could take care of himself, but it wouldn't really get through to her. I almost smiled at the thought. Almost.
On the way back I got a text from Taylor saying she was in London for the week and asking if we should go to lunch the next day. Not gonna lie, I wanted to say no, but I haven't seen her in such a long time. I was almost home by the time I texted her back, saying yes.
The moment I stepped in the door I was assaulted by the scent of cooking. Liberty was in the kitchen, Stu was in the same position as when I left, Christ sake. I pulled out my phone to check the time, I'd been out for nearly four hours. Wow, I didn't even notice.
I sat down on the couch next to Stu, leaning on him slightly to look at the screen over his shoulder. He glanced at me before going back to whatever email he was responding to and I rested my chin on his shoulder, one arm on the back of the couch.
"Don't you have anything better to do? I'm not doing anything even remotely interesting." He said finally.
I shook my head. "I like watching. Reminds me I'm not the one who has to deal with these people."
Stu gave me an 'are you fucking kidding me' look, I just grinned at him.
"Dinner's ready, boys." Liberty called from the kitchen.
Oh. I struggled to find a way out of it, but there was none. I could feel the rising panic and each breath I took was more troubled than the last. Now was not the time for a panic attack. I stared at the floor and could feel Stus eyes on me, observing me. He put his hands on my shoulders and when I looked up through my hair he was kneeling in front of me looking me straight in the eye.
"Calm down, Ed. Relax." I could only just hear his voice over the pounding of my heart, my erratic breathing and the blood rushing in my ears.
"You need to calm down. Take a deep breath, okay?" He breathed deeply and I tried to follow his example, inhaling and exhaling when he did.
Slowly my breathing returned to normal, but my pulse was still racing.
"You okay?" I looked up to find Liberty beside Stu now.
I nodded slowly and she gave my shoulder a sqeeze before getting up.
"Can I skip dinner? I just want to go to bed." I asked quietly.
Stu sighed, but nodded and I went up to my room, collapsing on the bed. I laid awake a bit, thinking about what I was gonna do about lunch with Taylor before letting sleep fill my mind.
------------------Authors note------------------------------
Yeh. I can't really say much. I have no personal experience with eating disorders so sorry if I get something wrong :/
Bananas
-Lyo
YOU ARE READING
I'm a mess - Ed Sheeran fanfic
FanfictionEd Sheeran is starting to loose control of his life. He's in a slump and he has no idea how to get out. Everyday is a struggle. No one can know his problems. No one can know he's a burden.
