Looking to the dampened tombstone, I stood there motionlessly to contemplate on something to say. I wanted to muster the courage to say something, so bad, but he wouldn't hear me, no matter what I'd say. Whether he'd be watching or not, he wouldn't care to hear me out. I don't deserve his attention, neither do I require it. Nothing is going to bring him back, and that's the cruelty of this world. I hadn't cared all those years, so naturally, something like this was just bound to happen... Sooner or later. Just what I deserve.
Nevertheless, I kneeled on the grass next to his grave, trying to brush the moss and dirt from his name. Resting my head against the tip of his grave marker, I felt the warm tears drip to my chin, mixing with the rainwater. I hastily brushed the strands of my moist, crimson locks aside from my face, trying to gain the strength to speak. I let out a big sigh as I looked to the sky, feeling the rain beat down on my face. It seemed as if he was taunting me, and with that thought, I grinned up at the gray clouds. I could stand being pestered and taunted if it meant I could have him back.
For ages after his passing, had I left his usual drink at the counter, just waiting for him to come along and laugh at me for having his order ready for once. For days at a time, would I wait until Angel's Share would close, and even beyond its hours, just to feed into my ridiculous delusion that he would come back. Everyone's already moved on, but I'm stuck in one spot, with nowhere to go. What reason do I have to move on with my endless hours at the Tavern, not being bothered at the lack of his company? Of course, he was a nuisance, but I didn't want him gone. He was a liar, maybe even a cheater. A nuisance, a rock in my shoe, a stick in my hair. But who's to say I can't miss him? He was all the family I had left, and now he's gone, too. We grew apart, and in the worst ways, but he was and is my brother. I shouldn't have shunned him, I shouldn't have ignored him. And although I had my right to, especially because he had his part of being an utter asshole, I never wanted this to happen. It's as if the incident happened all over again; except this time, I have no one to blame but myself. I have to get over it for the sake of myself and him. Though I wonder if I could've done something different, maybe to even prevent his death. I thought the same things when my father died, and although I told myself I was over it, it was never fully true. And now time repeats itself because I was selfish and blamed my brother. I took what I had for granted and now he's gone too.
I eventually got up from where I sat, trying to dust the wet grass off of my coat. Peering down at the tombstone once more, I gave a deep sigh.
" I'm sorry," I breathed, feeling my eyes tear up again. "Kaeya, I'm sorry."
I stood there silently, the rain still beating down on me. Even as I heard footsteps approaching me, I stood my ground, keeping my eyes focused to his name.
"If you wanted to talk to him all this time, you could've just told me. I can help..." the voice beside me said quietly. I was so far from touch, the guilt was just swallowing me whole and I couldn't even form words. Though I could recognize that voice as the bard's. I knew who he was, so I didn't doubt that he could. But it would only hurt me more to see him again... And especially to have to face him. I shook my head, declining his offer. I appreciate his attempt to help, but no matter how much guilt I feel, it would just pain me even more. The bard just hung his head, nodding as he escorted himself silently.
I decided not to bother him any longer. No matter my restlessness, I shouldn't trouble him with my endless tears.
"Good night, Kaeya," I spoke one last time, my eyes averted to the name on his plaque, before I turned my back and headed home for the night.
That night was another sleepless night, I left yet another Death After-Noon on the Tavern's bar after we closed. No matter what I do, I can't bring myself to leave him without anything to drink while I sleep. It's just an unforgettable part of my routine now. Someday, he'll thank me.
For now, I can only wait till I see him again.
