First Snow.

I love dark. (Chapter 15)

I tried to shake the thoughts of Nathan from my mind as the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach was making me feel sick. I don't understand why I feel this way. I've done nothing wrong. It's normal to be attracted to other people even while in a relationship. Love may be blind but it doesn't make you blind. It's just intense when you're around people who are not only beautiful on the outside, but beautiful on the inside as well. Then it's not just physical attraction, it's more. I cleared my mind and held my hands up to my mouth, giving my hands a quick huff to warm them up before heading back out to winterland. I grabbed the front door knob to turn it when it it started to turn on it's own and I backed away.

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Chan stood in the doorway with two duffle bags thrown over his shoulders and a luggage bag in his left hand. He was wearing a leather jacket that seemed to glisten from the melted snow that had fallen atop his arms and shoulders. "Oh shit! I'm so sorry, Bee! I didn't hit you with the door did I?" Chan asked with a concerned look on his face reaching out his hand to comfort me. I put my hand out and caught his, lowering his hand down and shaking my head. "No, you didn't hit me. You're fine. I was actually coming outside to talk to you." I said calmly. Chan sighed with relief. "Well, thank God! I didn't want a repeat of yesterday. One more hit to the head and we really would have to take you to the hospital." Chan said jokingly. "Oddly enough, I was actually just about to come find you to talk. I just need to put this stuff away real quick and we can talk, yeah?" Chan asked giving me a reassuring smile and weaving around me after I nodded my head yes. I turned around to catch him before he headed down the hallway.

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"Is that all your luggage?" I asked in disbelief. "Huh? Oh, no. It's mine, Han, and Felix's luggage." Chan said giving the bags a little shake. "Oh, okay. I was about to say!" I commented amused. "Well, you can just put Felix's stuff in my room after you put Han's stuff in the guest room. He's gonna sleep in my room tonight." I said casually. "Oh!" Chan responded with a confused look on his face. "Oh, umm. Okay! Not a problem, will do." He said swiftly. I noticed the look on his face went from confused to striking reality. His eyes had turned completely dark again as he tightened his grip around the luggage. Great, just great! I thought as Chan turned around and walked down the hallway. He's upset, AGAIN. I've never known someone to get so jealous and pissed off so easily. Binnie and Felix told me that he's not normally like this but I'm starting to think they lied. I can't put up with his passive aggressive drama any longer. I won't.

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I walked down the hallway to finally confront Chan after taking a few deep breaths to calm myself down. I'm not the type of person to get confrontational. My friends even tell me all the time that I need to grow a back-bone. So, this is very out of my element and I'm not gonna lie, I'm super uncomfortable. However, it needed to be done. I continued my walk down the hallway when I overhead Chan speaking to Bin and slowly backed away from the bedroom entrance. "What are you doing in here, Bin?" Chan asked to Changbin with a confused look on his face. "Sup? What do you mean?" Changbin asked. "I'm just putting my stuff away since I'm staying in here." Changbin responded while lining up his shoes on the floor in my bedroom closet. "Oh, you must not know then." Chan said. "Know what?" Changbin asked turning his head back to glimpse at Chan. "Oh, just that Felix is staying in here now. Sounds like Bee gave you the boot." Chan said with a light chuckle like he was slightly gloating.

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"Oh that! Yeah, I know. Bee already told me. We're all just gonna sleep in here tonight. Her bed is big enough for the three of us." Changbin explained non-chalantly pulling a black Chanel sweater out of his bag. He put the sweater carefully on a satin hanger. Of course he would actually bring satin hangers from home. "Oh, well, that sounds like fun. It's awfully close quarters though. You sure she will be okay cuddling up next to the both of you? It could get pretty cozy." Chan asked while raising an eyebrow and dragging Felix's luggage over to the side of the room near the dresser. "Seriously? Why does your mind always go right in the gutter, hyung? How many times do I have to tell you? There's literally nothing sexual going on between me and Bee, or anyone for that matter. We're all just gonna watch movies and go to sleep. You know I haven't been with anyone since Ellie." Changbin explained in a low tone with his hands rubbing his forehead in frustration.

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"I know, Bin. I'm sorry. I really am. It's just that I know you like her and you know I like her too after our conversation we had last night while washing dishes. I haven't seen you take interest in anyone at all after Ellie. So you admitting to me that you like Bee, well, it gives me hope that maybe things can get back to how they used to be. Back to when we were all so close, when we were all happy." Chan said walking over to Changbin to stand next to him to speak more privately. "I know, Chan! I know. I'm really sorry but you need to just let it go. You have to move on. That time in our lives is in the past. I can't. I can't go through that again." Changbin said with his voice cracking and tears forming in his eyes. Chan sat down on the floor next to Changbin and looked at him with concern. He placed his hand on Bin's thigh to show him that he was there for him. "I loved her, hyung. I still do. I miss her everyday. I know you want things to go back to normal. I would like for us to be close and happy again too. I agree with you, but you need to accept that it's over. Things will never be the same." Changbin said while slightly crying into his sleeves. "Binnie... I-" Chan said calmly before being cut off by Changbin.

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"I know you like her and yes, so do I, but she has a boyfriend and I don't even know if she is interested in me anyways. Let alone interested in you. Even if she was interested in me, you, or the both of us... I'm not just gonna bring up our past to her and ask if she would be okay with that sort of thing. She's not Ellie, Chan. You can't expect every girl to be okay with that sort of thing just because Ellie was." Binnie explained while Chan was wiping the tears off his face. "I understand Binnie. I know she's not Ellie. I loved her too you know. We all did. I'm not trying to replace her." Chan explained while Chagbin made eye contact with him. "You know how weird it would be for me to even bring that up to her? She would probably kick us out of her house. I don't even think that I'm ready to be honest. It's been a long time, Chan. That's why I didn't understand why you got so upset this morning when you thought Bee and I slept together and didn't invite you to join. I told you last night that nothing would happen. Have I ever lied to you?" Changbin asked while tilting his head for confirmation. "No, Bin. I know. I'm sor-" Chan said. "Bold of you to assume such a thing anyways. You already know that I don't sleep with anyone anymore. Even if we did by some chance sleep together, which won't happen. I'm not just gonna ask her if she would be okay with you joining in or watching us the first time we sleep together. What if I did and she said no? You still gonna be a bitch about it then? You can't always get what you want just because you want it." Changbin explained to Chan quietly and in a serious tone cutting him off from finishing his sentence.

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"You're right, Bin. That's why I feel like such an ass. I'm really sorry, I am. It's just that I like her, a lot. I know I need to move on and I think I have, but that doesn't make me a different person. That doesn't extinguish my hope for something new. I'm not trying to replace anyone. I'm just trying to be happy. I understand, I do." Chan explained while squeezing Binnie's thigh. Changbin nodded his head in agreement and smiled at him. "But... to make things clear, Bee is definitely interested in you. You may not see it but I do. I pick up on these things. Her body language. She stares at you a lot, you know? She's always blushing, laughing, and smiling at you. I see the way her breath hitches when you two touch. I notice the way she stumbles over her words when you speak to her, bringing her out of whatever naughty little thoughts she has reeling around in that pretty head of hers. Honestly, if she didn't have a boyfriend... I think you should go for it if that's what you want. Only if you're ready. I'm not trying to pressure you or push you into anything you don't want to do or that you're not ready for. I know this isn't about just me and what I want. It's about you and it's about her. If anything was to ever occur and you two end up together... I'm just letting you know that I want to be involved. Only if that's what you both want and if you're both comfortable with it. If not it's okay, you don't even have to ask if you don't want too. I won't ever bring it up again nor try and pressure you, yeah?" Chan said putting his hands on Changbin's shoulders making direct eye contact with him. Changbin nodded his head at Chan and gave him a warm smile. "I know." Binnie said. Chan pat Binnie on his back and gave him a quick hug before Changbin turned around and went back to unpacking things from his dufflebag.

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"Thanks for understanding, hyung. You know it's kinda funny." Changbin laughed lightening the mood of the serious conversation. "I think Felix is into her too. I walked in the room today and it looked like they were about to kiss. He basically weasled himself into sleeping with us tonight. Not to mention the way that he sticks up for her like he's her knight in shining armor. He's got it bad!" Changbin whispered to Chan with a sly look on his face. "You're joking!" Chan exclaimed, smiling nearly showing all his teeth. "Nope, not at all. I think that's why he wants to sleep with us tonight. He has feelings for me and now he has them for Bee too. He is such a sap. I find it cute and endearing though. Speaking of sleeping... I have something else to tell you." Bin said turning around looking up at Chan as Chan was now sitting on the edge of my bed. Chan looked at him reassuringly and nodded. "When Bee and I were in bed last night, she looked so fucking beautiful. You already know that I like her, but I think that I really really like her, Chan. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I almost let myself slip and kiss her but I managed to stop myself. I wanted too though, so bad. Although that doesn't mean that I'm ready for anything. So, calm down. However, when I fell asleep, I had the nightmare again. I think it happened because of my feelings for Bee." Changbin said quietly. Chan bent down and put his arms around Bin. "I'm so sorry, Binnie. I thought your nightmares were gone for good. Next time that happens please come get one of us instead of dealing with it on your own. You remember how bad it got to you when you had them in the past and kept it to yourself. We are here for you, yeah? We always will be." Chan said while holding Binnie in his arms, both of them sitting on the floor.

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"I can't believe our Lix is into her though. We all know he's got a big mouth. You should probably keep him on a short leash tonight." Chan said playfully trying to cheer Binnie up. "You would know wouldn't you?" Binnie responded teasingly. Chan put his mouth next to Changbin's ear still holding him on the floor. "Yes..." Chan growled. "I would know." Chan said slowly, breathing into Binnie's ear. "And what a lovely mouth it is when it's wrapped around your cock, taking every inch of you down his throat." Chan purred quietly moaning into Binnie's ear, slightly nibbling his prey. Changbin's eyes closed as he tilted his head back into Chan. A look of ecstacy flooded his face as his lips slightly parted and a small moan escaped from them. Chan's hands started to roam down to Binnie's hips as he broke out of Chan's embrace. Changbin stood up and pushed him playfully. "Ah, fuck off, Chan!" Changbin shouted at him with a smile on his face as he didn't take any offense from Chan's behavior. Chan followed suit and gave Binnie a pat on the top of his head before Changbin went back to unpacking his things. "You know I still gotta give you a hard time." Chan explained while fighting back his laughter. I heard Chan walking towards the door so I made a quick dash down the hallway back into the living room.

1

What the fuck did I just hear? My heart literally feels like it is going to explode in my chest, it's beating so fast. My face is on fire. My hands are shaking. I feel dizzy, offended, flattered, confused, ashamed, curious, and tempted all at the same time. So many different feelings were whirling around in my body and I was quickly becoming overwhelmed. So, that look... that look that Chan keeps giving me. It's not that he's jealous. It's that he feels left out from getting to fuck me? Not that I'm doing any fucking. Or will do any fucking. What the fuckity fuck. I can't stop saying fuck. I literally just got off the phone with Nathan less than an hour ago. I need to get out of this situation. But how? You're all trapped here. Fuck. Fuck you again snow. Just keep cool and keep everyone at a distance. I said to myself trying to calm myself down but the thought of being with Chan and Binnie at the same time was completely taking over any other thoughts I had just to function. I couldn't lie to myself, overhearing that conversation got my interest peaked. And Felix? Fuck... Felix likes me too? How is this even possible? They are all so fucking attractive. Get it together. You're freaking out. I shook the many overwhelming thoughts from my brain as I heard Chan walking down the hallway and I quietly made my way into the kitchen.

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