There isn't a day that passes where I don't think about Nicole and Mateo. She's all the way in Scottsdale somewhere and here I am in Pensacola. I fucked up saying the shit I did. I just I hate her being with him she needs to be with a man who loves her and respects her. I can't believe he violated her. Multiple times. I felt sick I knew the abuse was bad but fucking that was next level she didn't deserve it neither did Mateo but. I'm scared for them the both of them I'm scared for their lives. Nicole would get herself killed for Mateo. I couldn't lose her. I can't lose her I need her. She is the only one who was by my side from the beginning constantly there for me even when I'd been a complete asshole to her like 20 minutes before she'd comfort me. I needed someone like that. A girl like that. I'm not saying I like Nicole trust me if I did it's better we are this way as friends. I'd brake her worse then him. Way worse then him.
I'm scared to trust people scared to trust myself I couldn't live if I hurt her Jesus. I'd hurt myself stupidly. I can't believe Artem thinks this is right to treat a fucking beautiful young strong girl. A fearless bitch.But a fearless bitch I fucking cared for. I need to try get her off my mind but even that is impossible. This week is going to kill me. This strength she stored in me i just hope it's enough to stop myself from tracking down Artem and fucking killing him. For hurting him so badly leaving him unrecognisable.
I got out of bed,pulled back the curtains to show the beautiful sky line. I stood in the mirror. Thinking about my day
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"Ugh I need to workout to day I can't be arsed. Now with everything going on"I said to myself.
My phone started ringing and my Lock Screen came up
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Ugh I miss you baby. I miss you see fucking much. I felt my eyes fill and fought myself
"No tears no tears come on Joe come on"I said trying to hype myself. I had to lose you too. I'm so sorry baby girl. I failed you. I failed your mother I failed to protect you just like nana. Tears rolled down my face and I wiped then answering my phone.
"Hey uce you okay?"I heard Jon's voice on the other end.
"Yeah yeah why?"I said trying to cover up my trembling voice
"Your not uce don't try hide for me we grew up together Joseph"
"I'm just-I don't know stressed overwhelmed. Jon I think I need help. I mean I'm just constantly reliving that fucking day. Them fucking days the crash constantly replay fucking repeat the moment of losing mom. Fucking still debating if I belong here. I mean I'm about to lose Nicole. She's really all I have besides you if I have an issue"
"Joseph don't talk like that uce your my brother,my brother for life. I need you I can't lose you and mom. I fucking need you uce. Even Nicole and the gang need you. Your a fucking solid guy Joe a guy who I fucking love and mom loved and loves she'd be so proud of you"
"I just I don't know Jon"
"Come on we are going out I'll come pick you up"
"Drink night?"
"Shit faced night uce"
"I'll make sure not to wear my nice shit"
"Uce all your clothes are fucking designer"
"Hey I get bored okay and I have money and having no family apart from you to spend my money what's the point so I treat myself"
"You deserve it thought Joseph"
"We both Do Jon not just me us. The Samoan and the crackhead"I laughed along with Jon
"Uce we used to always get called that in Elementary"
"Yeah cause your ass was crazy I had to cover for you. Jesus I as Leati Joseph Anoa'i then. It's weird how times change things"
"Do you think you'll ever use your real name again?"
"No"I said firmly
"Okay bad question"
"Yep for that your buying me breakfast and we are having a nice day out as two nice brothers then your paying for all the rounds motherfucker"
