To Forgive

Chapter 3: Hidden Feelings

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Izaya POV

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I ran home as fast as I could in the downpour. I was getting myself soaked as I ran, the umbrella barely holding off against the freezing drops. The rain was like small daggers against any skin that was exposed. For the time of year it was rather cold, the wind reflecting it as it chilled my skin, whipping in sharp slashes. By the time I could see my apartment coming into view, I was soaked to the bone, not a bit of me to be spared in this sad storm.

I ran up the stairs until I reached my room, shrugging off my jacket as I entered, letting it fall onto the bathroom floor as I entered the room. I shuddered lightly, twisting the knobs in my shower and waiting for it to warm. Glancing up, I noticed that I was still blushing which made me redden even more(if that were possible). "W-what am I? A teenage girl?" I laughed at myself, noting the slightly higher pitch of voice and the stutter I would never have let through if I was around others.

I reached into the shower, almost burning my hand before adjusting the temperature. I undressed slowly, my mind returning back to the previous hour, standing outside the bar and talking to Shizuo. Talking! It was perhaps the most normal conversation we've ever had...since high school at least. Nothing being thrown, no curses and shouts, no death threats; just us with no barriers. I stepped into the shower, quickly washing up and getting out once the water started to lose its warmth.

I entered my bedroom with a sigh and plopped onto my bed in old grey sweatpants and a small towel around my neck, and scrolled through my phone's older pictures out of boredom. It was a few minutes later when I came across an old picture of myself and Shizuo in high school, arm in arm, both smiling ear to ear. A pair of idiots who had no idea what was to happen a short week after the image was taken. No idea of the scarring and the pain that would come from my actions. The stupid mind play of a boy that was so lost, is still lost.

"If I hadn't done what I did to him, would we still be like that?...two smiling idiots?..." I muttered to myself, vision beginning to blur and darken. My chest began to ache. The phantom pains as I remembered the true pain my actions had caused, the look of betrayal in those once warm eyes. The horror and betrayal on Shizuo's expression back then it...it was one I'll never forget. I'll never be able to be forgiven for my actions. That past has already been gone and can't be changed.

I turned onto on my side clutching the phone close to my chest but it did nothing to quench the pain. It only slightly held back the break down I knew was imminent despite how much I wanted to keep the tears in. I wasn't supposed to be able to think of my own misery when I had, and still, caused so much pain for others. But sure enough, it wasn't long before silent tears finally poured out, betraying the tight hold I tried to have on them. 'I'm the real idiot...fooling myself into thinking that I might ever be forgivin...' I thought as I curled up into myself deeper, sobbing in earnest as the storm poured outside, drowning out any apology I may have said that night.

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I woke the next morning, unaware of when I had fallen asleep but I seemed to wake even more tired than I had been the day before. It took a moment to get the motivation to move but soon I rolled out of bed and walked dazedly to the bathroom. I glanced into the mirror, my eyes red-rimmed but also weighted with heavy dark circles. With a sigh, I splashed water onto my face, getting myself ready for the day. I stole a glance at the clock; it was still just 8am. I checked my temperature just in case. I usually sleep longer than that and Namie wasn't supposed to be in for another six hours.

I paced around the living room and decided, finally, to go out for a walk and eat breakfast at that new diner that had just opened up a month before. It was a cute little place with a modern feel to it. I personally liked it and it's food was certainly unique along with each day's uniforms. It's name though, was very uncreative, the Modern Cosplay Diner. I felt bad for the girls who were unfortunate to work there since the owner was a perverted man, although he did pay well. I walked through the doors a little while later and found an empty booth by the window, waiting for one of the waitress to roll by on their skates.