The Boy I Once Knew | Cobra Kai Hawk/Eli

Chapter 52

I shake my head. "Miguel and I are literally just friends and will always be just that" I laugh "And it's the fact that for you it matters what dojo I go to or support because if I don't go to the one you're at, you won't want to be with me anymore"

"It's not that—"

"No that's exactly what it is. I'm tired of this back and forth shit. I was going to talk to you when we got a chance to be alone but it's obviously happening now. When you know how to accept that Johnny is my father and not MY enemy, come find me" I walk away and out the doors of the cafeteria. This is not how I thought my first day back to school would go

We were doing so well.....so well. And this is partly my fault, I shouldn't have said what I said earlier but I've been in a mood all day. I didn't want to talk but everyone pushed it.

My last classes for the day have gone faster than usual. I have English as my last period and Eli is sitting a couple of rows to the left of me. I catch him staring at me every once in a while but he always looks away when I look back at him.

"For class today we will continue writing in our journals. For this chapter, you will be writing about something bothering you in your life." Teacher says.
I pull out my notebook and pencils, turning to the next page, writing down the date on the top of the paper.

Multiple thoughts are running through my head on what to write about. It could be about him or the fact that I'm dying.

Once my pencil hits the paper...it could write for hours.

04-07-2021

       It's hard to accept something that I should have seen coming for a while now. Five years...Five years, that's it. In five years, if everything was normal, I'd be 22, living in New York, studying for school. But in reality, my sickness will be much worse and I'll be in a hospital 24/7, watching my mom cry because she's losing her daughter, watching Johnny upset because he couldn't do more, watching Eli, my love, wishing we had more time. I'd wish to go sooner because I don't want them like that, so upset. Every medication, treatment, therapy, and test will never be enough and it's something I wish everyone would see. It does no good for me and really, I don't want to wait five years. Spending every day thinking when will be my last day, when my lungs will officially give up, having to plan my funeral, writing down my letters to everyone, telling them how much I love them. Really I think the process is worse for me more than for them. I have to watch the people I love, so upset, about losing me but really they lost me the day I was diagnosed.

    This boy has something on me that I will never be able to get rid of. There will always be a spot in my heart for him. But sometimes I wonder if we're really meant to be. All the fights, arguments, yelling, will they really be worth it in the end? We were so much better as friends but that was also before he was Hawk. We never fought or even yelled at each other. Now, that's all we do. We have our good times but then there's always something happening that ruins it. I guess this just bothers me because I can't help but wonder are we wasting our time trying to fix this relationship for nothing? We will never get married or even have the chance to have kids so really what's the point?

      Lastly, another thing that bothers me is he can't see him for him. He feels the need to be someone he's not. He never needed the mohawk or the back tattoo. If that made him happy then that's great but he should have done it for himself, no one else. Not Kyler, not Johnny, not me. I just wish he saw that he deserves so much and he doesn't need to be the mean bully for people to like him. He's not some puppet that has to be controlled by everyone. I wish I knew him better, to understand everything going on in his head, every thought, every word, every second.