Blue Eyes and Other Sources of Drowning

Somewhere Between

I am stuck somewhere between I deserve a great love and I am not a great love.

On one hand I am ready to be the love from fantasy books. I want to be the one who dances in the kitchen with you while baking cookies, eating raw cookie dough because its way better than the actual cookies. I dream of beach sunsets with chocolate covered strawberries, sand in the car after and the feeling of waves still crashing against our bodies. I imagine reading books to you by the fireplace while I cuddle in your arms. I want to know every detail of your childhood, like I was the best friend you grew up with. I want to fall in love with the glint in your eyes when you're about to lay down a winning set of cards, and the pressing together of your lips when you are concentrating over something you are passionate about. Because I am going to paint you the prettiest sunsets and write you the most metaphoric poems where you can't help but fall in love with yourself the way I do. I am going to make a playlist with your favorite songs and I promise to always bounce on my toes and smile feverishly when I see you come home to me. I can't wait to love someone and have them love me the same way.

On the other side, I am a well of tears and trauma. No one deserves to be stuck with me. There is sadness you may drown in. There are days when I lose my spark, where I become nothing more than a shell hollowed out by anxiety and depression. I am so much of a risk, so clumsy and reckless. Watch me slowly dissociate in front of your very eyes, where I seem to look through you into a world you cannot follow. Cause I might have a meltdown when someone says his name, and my breathing is going to hitch when there is a car that looks the same, and forget it if when you teasingly smile I am going to run when your eyes squint like his. Loving me is a roll of dice where you know the cubes are so warped that the winning numbers will never be on your side.