After Hunter was rolled through the OR doors, I wandered aimlessly around the hospital with my head in a fog, trying to put everything back together in my brain. My husband is in surgery and will have a long recovery, Ivan is back in Louisville and waiting for his son to get home to end his life, Hunter knows what happened between Griffin and me, and I am uneasy around Griffin now. Something about having a man's head between your legs makes going back to a normal friendship a tad bit challenging.
After Hunter embarrassed me with his asinine Golden Corral comment, he and Griffin talked it out and seemed cool with each other. As for me, I'm still struggling with how I feel about Griffin and how we are going to make things work. Adult playtime is no longer an option, but I don't know how to act around him anymore. Griffin is strong, but can I trust him to walk the straight and narrow? Can I be certain he won't interfere with my marriage? After the intimate moments we've shared, will he be able to stomach seeing Hunter and me together? Will I be able to let go of what we shared?
I suppose I need to take it one day at a time. If challenges arise, I will deal with them when that time comes. There's a lot of things up in the air, but the one thing I am certain of is that my hand is throbbing. I need to have it checked out. The surgery will take several hours so I make the decision to check into the ER for evaluation, but only after walking up to the room to notify Griffin and Elijah. I've been walking around the hospital for twenty minutes now and I'm surprised they haven't notified hospital security and had the whole building put on lockdown.
When I make it back to the room, Griffin is sitting in the recliner watching TV, but Elijah is nowhere to be found. I'm alone with Griffin and that makes my stomach flutter. He glances up at me and smiles and I wish I could say that it settled my stomach, but it didn't. All that nervous energy returns and the only thing I can do is offer him a shy smile.
"Where's Elijah?" I ask.
"He went back to the warehouse to investigate Ivan's inventory."
"is everything ok? Did they find something else?"
"It's kind of a long story. We will fill you in a little later. You have a lot on your plate already and don't need to be concerned with anything else. We got everything under control. Do you want to lay down and take a nap?"
"No, I'm actually going down to the ER to have some x-rays done on my hand. It's really starting to throb."
"Oh, ok. Let me put on my shoes and I'll go with you," he says, standing from the chair.
"It's ok. I'll be fine by myself. It shouldn't take too long."
"You don't want me to go?" he asks, looking hurt by my pushback.
"You don't have to. It's not a big deal."
"It is a big deal, Jenna. I don't want you going down there by yourself. I can keep you company. Unless there's some other reason you don't want me to go. Is something bothering you? Are we ok?"
"Yeah, we're fine," I say. It's not a lie, but I don't want to tell him that I am now uneasy being in his wake. "I just figured you were tired and I'm sure the last thing you want to do is sit in a loud ER while I get checked out."
"Jenna, we're friends and friends are there for one another. Come on, let's go."
I surrender and tell Griffin I want to pull my hair back into a ponytail first. I walk into the bathroom and grab my brush, running it through my locks when Griffin comes walking in. He stands behind me, towering over my body with his massive size and watches my troubled expression through the mirror. His proximity is making me restless and at some point in time, we are going to have to talk about it. Figuring now is just as good of a time as any, I open my mouth to speak when Griffin puts his hands on my hips. With one simple touch, my whole body catches fire and I tense up.
"Jenna, what's wrong?"
I look to the ground and pull in a deep breath, slowly releasing it and closing my eyes. How do I even get this out? How do I tell him that being next to him makes me feel like I am out of control? I look up and see him watching me thoughtfully through the mirror, his large hands still perched on my hips. He looks worried, concerned for my well-being, but he also looks ignited and that's the part I'm having a hard time with.
"Griffin, I...I...I don't know how to say this. I'm just....I'm struggling with...God, why is this is so difficult? What I'm trying to say is...well –"
"Jenna, just say it. We don't keep secrets from each other."
"Griff, I'm having a hard time being around you."
"What's that supposed to mean? Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?"
"No, it's not that," I sigh. "What I'm trying to say - and failing miserably at - is that...after these past couple days, it's difficult to be around you because of the things we did and the feelings I have. I told you that we need to keep this relationship strictly platonic, but when I look at you, all I can think about is the intimate moments we shared. I shouldn't be thinking about them, but I can't fucking help it. I'm sorry, I know I sound contradictory, but I'm trying to be honest with you. I don't want you to think that I'm mad at you because I'm not. I just don't know how to be around you without...you know."
"Yeah, welcome to my world. It's literally all I think about. I'm sorry, Jenna. I know how difficult this must be for you, but maybe I'm a little relieved that I'm not the only one who's struggling here. It's impossible to not touch you when I now know how your curves fit in my hands. It's hard to not kiss you when I've felt your lips press against mine. It's killing me to be this close but so far away. All I want to do is pull you to me and relive those moments in the bathroom, the greatest moments of my life. I know I'm not making this any easier for you, but you need to know you're not alone in this. My heart and brain are fighting the same battle yours are. So, what are we going to do?"
"Honestly, I don't know. This is a situation I never dreamed I would find myself in. I told myself that we would take it a day at a time but having your hands on me makes me think I'm gonna have to take it a minute at a time. I wish I could just flip a switch and forget about the feelings I have for you, but it's not that simple. You've become too important to me and that chemistry doesn't just disappear because Ivan is captured and Hunter is back. I'm sorry, Griffin. I know this is heavy, but it was important that I tell you because I don't want you to think I'm mad or being distant with you. I just have a lot going on in my head."
"Would it help if I acted like none of it ever happened? I can just go back to being the broody, unapproachable bodyguard that never spoke to you. The man who drove you back and forth to work and minded his own business. It would kill me but I would do that for you."
I think about his offer for a moment. Do I want Griffin to go back to the distant soldier who only spoke to me when he was denying my request to fly solo to the grocery? Would it make it easier if he ignored me, kept his distance and acted like I didn't exist? Could I handle not having his hands on me or catching that smile he shoots my way when I walk out of the bedroom in the morning?
Yeah, it would definitely uncomplicate things, but I wouldn't be happy. I wouldn't be happy because it would be a loss. Our friendship would be over, we wouldn't sing along to the radio together, there would be no playful banter that became the highlight of my day. We could go our separate ways but I have a sneaking suspicion that we would still be pulled back together, just like Hunter and I were. Griffin is one of those people that you meet along the way that changes your life. I saw a quote on social media by Elizabeth Gendron that really resonated with me and when I look at Griffin, waiting for my answer, it comes full circle.
