A/N: Ok i'm feeling generous today. So please, enjoy another part of this emotional roller coaster :)
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I was shook by Joel's words and action. The fuck was this now? I didn't want Aleksi to see us in this situation so I pushed Joel's hands off from me.
"You need to stop that..." I said and tried to sound as normal as I could but it was hard. I literally felt his chest moving up and down against my back and some of his hair touched my head because he was taller than me. I felt trapped between him and the fridge. In any other situation I would probably have given in for him and let him do what ever he wants with me because that's what we used to be. I loved him having a control over me, but it was in the past now.
"What if I don't want to... " Joel kept whispering and I still felt his body close to mine. The way his breath danced on my neck was illegal in my current mindset.
"Joel. We have talked about this... " I said and at that moment Aleksi walked to the kitchen. Joel stepped away from me and leaned against the counter top. All I could hope was that he did not see what just happened. Not after that steamy night we just shared in his bed."Morning"He said to Joel and I could feel how tense Joel got. Did he know?
"Yeah.. Morning.." Joel said quietly and took the juice from my hands.
"You welcome..." I said to him and looked at him drinking from the package.
"Coffee, anyone?" Aleksi asked as he started to make one for himself. Guess he did not notice or he pretended not to.
"Yeah, thanks" I smiled to him and sat on the chair.
"I could use one too" Joel said and sat opposite of me. Aleksi nodded and made a coffee for each of us. He then sat next to me and we just had the most tense morning coffee ever. None of us didn't really say a word and it was rather weird among us because usually we'd be talking and laughing. Joel was scrolling in his phone, Aleksi looked rather thoughtful or just sleepy and I just tried to figure out that how to keep things normal between all of us."I think I should go... Got the cat to feed, she must be hungry and angry already.." I said after drinking the coffee. I placed my cup into the sink and looked at Aleksi, who just smiled at me and then my eyes wondered to Joel, who was still looking his phone and Aleksi in turns.
"Okay, well.. Guess we see on Monday then?" he asked knowing very well that we'd be in touch much sooner than Monday. I, for sure, needed to see him much sooner.
"Yeah, sure. Still got a a bit work to do before everything is ready" I said and tried to think out something that the situation wouldn't be so awkward.
"You wanna ride?" I asked Joel, who was still scrolling in his phone. He finished his coffee and stood up. Then he placed the cup into the sink next to me and looked me for a few second.
"Sure" he said and walked to the hallway. Me and Aleksi followed him and I took my jacket from the stand. Joel said quickly bye to Aleksi and went out. I sighed. I was hoping that all what he said and the way he acted yesterday would be just some drunk shit but now he was all sober yet still acting weird.
"Ok well... I'm not sure did he notice or why he is acting so weird.."I said and bit my lip as we both looked after him confused.
"I think he knows.. " Aleksi said and scratched the back of his head. Aleksi wasn't stupid. He also had noticed that Joel was behaving weird and usually wasn't like that when I had other guys around me.
"Was I that loud that your soundproof room didn't cover us?" I smirked and pulled him closer from his shirt. He smirked back and leaned closer to my face.
"I'm pretty sure he has known for a while that I have laid my eyes on his ex.." his warm breath felt too good against my skin.
"He has... And I'm sure he might have a problem now even tho so far it has seemed that he is ok with this.." I sighed and let Aleksi kiss me softly."I talk to him.. I see you later tonight?" I asked after he pulled off.
"Just the two of us this time please" Aleksi smiled and let me go.
I shut the door behind me and walked to my car. Joel was leaning against the hood arms crossed. I unlocked the doors and before I had a chance to say anything, he sat into the car. I sighed and went to the driver's side. After I had put my seat belt on and started the car, I looked at Joel who had his eyes glued on me. For the first time in my life I felt uncomfortable around him.
"What?" I asked and started to back away from Aleksi's yard. I still felt his eyes on me and I didn't like the feeling. What happened in kitchen should not have happened and my mission now was to understand that what the hell was this all about.
"Did you sleep with him?" Joel asked still looking at me. I sighed and started to drive towards Joel's place. It wasn't very far away but far enough to have this very uncomfortable conversation with him.
"And if I did, it ain't much of a your business right?" I asked back not really willing to tell him that I indeed slept with Aleksi last night and yes I did enjoy it. Joel sighed.
"You said that you are ok for me to move on. With him. Your words,remember?"
"I do but...""Butwhat, Joel? We both need to move on with our lives... Yes there is something going on between me and Aleksi and as you said you have noticed it. You have had plenty of girls coming and going after us and have I complained about it? Not once, not even when I maybe haven't like the girl, but they have all been your choices... So just stop that, ok? Before this gets too weird between us" I said and turned to Joel's street. After driving in a silence for few minutes, I stopped the car in front of his house.
"Besides.. What the hell was it back at Aleksi's kitchen?" I asked before unlocking the door so that Joel couldn't just run away without answering me first.
"Ok fine, you really wanna know?" Joel asked and looked at me.
"Please..."
"Fine then. The reason why I am this way is because I still fucking love you, ok? I know you want to move on and Aleksi is a great guy, but I can't fucking stop thinking about us. I miss you in my life and I hate to think that I can't feel your body against mine. It's just...Fucking hard.." Joel said and looked down on his feet. I took a deep breath and swallowed. I wasn't ready to hear that. Not now.
"Joel" I started and unlocked the doors.
"You've seen me with other guys. Why it is that you now all of sudden you love me again when I am finally ready to move on with Aleksi? Two weeks ago you were literally encouraging me to do so and told me not to worry about it but now you are making me worrying about it" I bit my cheeks inside. I looked at him and met his eyes for a second before he turned his head away from me."I don't know... I just do" Joel said and opened the door and stepped out.
He shut the door with the bang before letting me say anything so I turned off the motor and stepped out. I ran after him and reached him before he could go inside.
"Joel.. Listen.. " I took his hand.
"What? Go back to Aleksi.." he showed my hand off and took the keys from his pocket.
"Joel fucking Hokka, you listen me now" I said and pulled him close to me. The taller man just looked over me, not even making an eye contact with me first."What?"he then looked down to me with similar empty gaze like the night when he came to me and it was breaking my heart. I literally felt it cracking in my chest and falling down in pieces.
"I just want to be happy, ok? Think back at us. We were happy maybe 40% of the time where the rest 60% was just some stupid arguments... Yes I loved being with you and I loved what we had and I wouldn't change anything in that, not even the stupid fights... But would I do it again... Then no... The fact that we just feel comfortable around each other is not a right reason to even get back together.. Yes we know every little detail about each others and it feels good to have that person that knows all your good and bad sides but.. In the end.. We didn't work out .." I spoke and held Joel from his arms. I could see that he was out of mood and probably wanted to go up and drink himself to sleep again, but I needed him to understand that I needed to live my life. Just like I let him live his."Maybe I didn't think clearly what seeing you with Aleksi would really feel like" He said quietly. Fuck this made me feel bad about everythingthat happened last night, but in the end, it was my life, my feelings and my needs. And as much as I loved Joel, we did not fill each others all needs anymore. Or that's what I thought.
"Joel, honey.. What ever is going between me and him, it doesn't change the way I still care about you. You still are my ride or die and best friend no matter what. Nothing changes that...And.." I was suddenly cut off by his lips on mine. The kiss was longing, loving, everything the kisses used to be like, what our kisses used to be like. Even though I fought myself not to answer him, I couldn't help it and now I was just confused. Technically me and Aleksi were not even together yet but why did this already felt like cheating?
"I just wanted to feel your lips once more.." he said after pulling off. He then turned his back on me and went inside leaving me there. Fuck. This was going to be much more complicated than I thought. After processing few minutes what just happened, I slowly turned around and walked back to my car tears in my eyes. I sat in and placed my hands on the wheel.
"Fuck....Fuck!" I hit the wheel as hard as I could and as a result I did hurt my wrist but that pain was small compering to what I was feeling inside. I turned the car on and drove off.
My cat was already judging me next to her empty bowls.
"Not you too..." I whispered to her and felt how her emerald green eyes followed my every move to the kitchen counter and back to her. I put some canned food into her bowl and looked at her like I was the best human servant in the world she could possibly have. She stood up, sniffed the food and walked away.
"Seriously.. You all just walk away from me today?" I asked after her knowing very well that she wouldn't answer me. But answers were the exact thing I needed now and there was only one person who could explain me what the hell happened during the time Joel was supposed to be on his way home.
A/N: Wasn't planning to publish this chapter today but I just felt that I needed. Thanks again all the votes and stuff, I appriciate it!