Secret Heartbreaks

40

I opened my eyes and an unfamiliar ceiling was the first thing I saw. Both my heart and body feel so heavy and my head is throbbing badly. I had a hard time in helping myself get up from the bed as the memories of what happened flooded back to my mind.

Martell and I were left in his office when his mom left. I couldn't look at him and I didn't know where to start. Ano pa ang masasabi ko kung nasabi na rin naman siguro ng ina niya ang nangyari?

"I'm sorry," I said, almost in a whisper. I can feel my energy slowly being drained while heart is thumping nervously. Nanghihina na ako at hindi na ako magugulat kung mahihimatay ako.

Naramdaman kong lumapit siya sa akin at napapikit ako, hinihintay na dumapo ang kaniyang palad sa aking pisngi. Hinintay ko ang sakit ngunit hindi iyon dumating.

Napaigtad ako nang nilagay niya ang isang dalira sa ilalim ng baba ko at saka ako pinaharap sa kaniya. Hindi na ganoon kaklaro ang paningin ko sapagkat puno na ng pilit na tinatagong mga luha ang aking mga mata.

"Y-you... uh... you can shout or... uhm slap me," sabi ko sa nanginginig at nanghihinang boses at pinilit ang sarili na ngumiti.

"Why would I do that?" He asked. He sounds hurt and weak but I don't know. I might just be hearing tones so I'd feel hurt less.

Because that's what your mother and my father did.

I can sometimes still feel the sting on my face from the time my father laid a hand on me. I can still feel the pain and hear the sound as his hand made contact with my face. It wasn't just a slap with the palm. His hand was closed in a fist and it was like being slapped and being punched at the same time.

He was so disappointed with me and my pregnancy, and what happened with Gemini. He may not have spoken a word about my sister's death but I know that he blames me for it.

"I'm sorry, Martell," nanghihina kong sambit at kasabay niyon ay ang pagtulo ng mga luha na kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

He took a step forward and closed the small space between us. I felt his hand on the small on my back gently pushing me to lean on him. His other hand went to the back of my head as he caressed my hair.

"Tell me, Axyne," aniya rin sa nanghihinang boses. "Please... please tell me."

Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng kaniyang yakap at saka ako dahan-dahang kinarga. Umupo kami sa sofa at saka ako nagkuwento. Hindi ko alam kung may naintindihan ba siya sa mga sinabi ko dahil panay ang hikbi at singhot ko at tahimik lang naman siyang nakikinig.

Parang naubos ang lakas ko dahil sa pagkuwento at ang sunod kong alam ay narito na ako sa parang kwarto sa may office niya.

Pinahiran ko ang mukha at kahit parang wala na akong lakas para maglakad ay pinilit ko pa rin ang sarili na tumungo sa pintuan. Nang makalabas ako ay hindi pa ako napansin ni Martell. Nakatayo siya sa harapan ng floor-to-celing glass window at tinatanaw ang mga naglalakihang mga gusali at mukhang malalim ang iniisip.

I covered my mouth to prevent myself from sobbing again. I feel like what I said weren't enough and I feel like that this reaction from him is not what I deserve. I don't think that after all these years of keeping everything from, I don't deserve this calm look he's giving me now.

Lumapit ako sa kaniya at mabilis na lumuhod. "I know you might not understand my rationality but that was the best I could think and I'm sorry that it involved lying and leaving—"

The rest of my words were drowned by my sobs when Martell knelt as well and pulled me into a hug. I found solace in his embrace and I'm not sure whether I should be feeling this comfortable when I'm still not done paying for my consequences.