This is a story about the boy who my universe revolves around.
The part about my universe revolving around him is completely coincidental- I didn't choose that, and he didn't actually intend to have this effect on me. It just happened when he start...
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I watch as Lloyd's rigid figure stalks away, not looking back. Growing more and more distant.
I couldn't take it anymore. Exander has been radiant since his brother moved in with him. His happiness is contagious, and his constant smile outshines the sun. Every time I see him, my heart flutters and I forget to breathe. I'm neck deep in love with him and it wasn't fair to me or Lloyd. So I broke up with him.
He didn't exactly take it well. But he didn't take it too badly, either. Not badly enough that I think he'd out me, anyways. About as bad as a breakup can go without reaching the point of him outing me out of spite. He'd wanted to come out as a couple for a while, now, so there wouldn't exactly be any serious repercussions on his side- but no. He wouldn't. He's upset, but he's not that upset.
And even with my now ex-boyfriend, who I dated for nearly an entire year, walking away from me- I can't find it in myself to feel as upset as I should.
I feel relieved. Like a weight has been lifted. The weight was guilt, I think. For dating Lloyd when I was clearly in love with Exander.
I know I can't have him. Spica likes him so much. I'd be betraying her if I went behind her back to date Exander. Besides, I don't even know if he's gay. And Spica doesn't even know I'm gay. Pursuing Exander would lead to nothing but pain for so many people. I couldn't do that.
I still love him. There's no point denying that. I just can't act on my feelings. I'll just have to live with the constant pining for him.
But, of course, as life does, there's always some sort of challenge as soon as you make up your mind. Just to test your willpower.
The first weekend of December comes around- the last month we have to work on the first act of the show. And half of it is cut off by winter break. It's not a lot of time to perfect half of a musical.
So I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when I come back from a grocery run on Saturday morning to find Exander in my living room.
I blink, my chest immediately flooding with the familiar longing ache. "Um... hello?"
He gives me a pleasant smile. "Good morning, Rigel. I'm sure you'd like to inquire as to my presence here?"
"Yeah, definitely."
"Spica was so gracious as to invite me here to rehearse some of our scenes together. She's currently retrieving her script. I hope I'm not intruding."
"Not at all. Uh- have you eaten lunch?"
His lips curve into the slightest smirk. I force my eyes away from his lips. "Ah. Spica informed me that you would ask that. I have not eaten lunch, but I don't expect you to provide it for me. I'll be leaving around three and I can eat at home."
There's a note of pure joy in the way he says the word 'home'. My heart throbs. "I mean, I was going to make sandwiches for Spica and I, it wouldn't be a problem to make one more. Turkey and cheese okay?"
"That's very generous of you, Rigel. It is, thank you."
I nod and get into the kitchen before I start smiling like an idiot. I hate the way he says my name. It makes me way too happy.
True to what Exander told me, he and Spica rehearse Helpless first (like, three hundred times), then move on to That Would Be Enough, which takes less practice (since they don't have an fancy dance to perform, I guess), then go back to Helpless.
I serve lunch an hour and a half before Exander said he would be leaving, and we take a short break to eat together. It's simultaneously the cutest and most heartbreaking thing, watching Spica and Exander interact. My sister so clearly likes him, and he's so gentle and- I don't know, smiley with her.
It hurts. But at the same time, my sister deserves this. She deserves to be happy. And my happiness at seeing her smile is enough to make me forget about the heartache.
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I'm pleased that Spica decided to request my company at her residence to practice our songs together. Aside from providing much confidence in our performances, and while it's always a pleasure to see Spica, I'd be attempting to deceive if I told myself I didn't enjoy seeing Rigel.
His beauty has become even more apparent in days past. I often find my gaze lingering on him, especially when he's amongst his friends. His pleased smirks and calm smiles have become the highlight of my days, never failing to make my stomach flutter with interest.
Seeing him inside his home is... captivating. It's nearly impossible to look away from him whenever I find him within my line of sight. He seems softer, in this environment. Particularly when interacting with his sister- it's clear how dearly he loves her. And perhaps some of his gentleness carries over to me, due to the surroundings, because he seems to smile at me differently. With more warmth, perhaps. It makes me feel as though I'm glowing.
When three o'clock arrives, I'm almost disappointed to leave. It's almost odd, how greatly I enjoyed the company of the siblings. But I suppose it is logical- Spica is a pleasant friend to be around, and I've never minded Rigel's presence either. Especially with the recent things he's been causing me to feel.
"This was good," Spica is saying as I prepare to depart. "I think we got a lot of good work done."
I give her a smile. "Certainly. And I enjoyed it quite significantly. Thank you for the invitation. And for lunch."
Spica blushes. Rigel returns my smile with a warmth that causes my lungs to feel overly full. "It's no problem at all. You're welcome here anytime."
"I appreciate that. Perhaps you and I ought to rehearse outside of school hours as well- we do have a number of songs together."
"Yeah, for sure. And we're all in Non-Stop, so we could go through that once we block it in class."
We share a smile for a moment longer before I hear Thaniel's car horn from outside. "Ah. That's Thaniel, so I'll have to be off. Thank you again for your hospitality."
"Anytime," Spica says, beaming. I smile at her once more before taking my leave.
"So, how was rehearsal?" Thaniel asks as I enter the car.
"Quite pleasant. We managed to attain quite a bit of practice. I'm satisfied with the level of progress we've made."
"I'm glad to hear that. Did you eat lunch? I'll bet Rigel made you lunch."
I eye him. "What leads you to believe that?"
Thaniel shrugs. "He usually does. His dad drilled it into him- always serve your guests, or something like that."
"Intriguing."
There's a short moment of silence before Thaniel's voice takes on a more suggestive tone. "So... you and Spica?"
I blink. Déjà vu? "What about me and Spica?"
"Come on. You're playing a married couple in the show. She obviously likes you. Do you like her?"
Apparently, Thaniel is much more straightforward with his suspicions than Leah. I lift a shoulder evasively. "I enjoy her company. I find myself disinclined to instantly advance our relationship to a romantic status, but if she were to attempt such a task, I doubt I would find myself opposed."
"So you don't like her enough to ask her out, but if she asked you out, then you might say yes."
"Correct."
He hums quietly. "Is there any girl you like enough to make a move on, then?"
I contemplate that. I do happen to find myself quickly approaching the point of desiring a closer relationship with Rigel, but the attraction is mostly based in his appearance. I reconsider Thaniel's question and realize that the answer is easy. "No. I don't find myself particularly interested in any girl."
"Alright," he says slowly. "The way you worded that makes me feel like I should ask if you're interested in any guys- or just anyone?"
I find that I can't move my gaze away from my hands, tightly clasped in my lap, though I don't feel particularly fearful. "I..."
"Hey. Exander. Anything is fine with me. No judgement here, I promise. I'm sorry for assuming. Have you thought about your sexuality?"
"Not much," I admit. "But I do believe that I find males attractive." I look at my brother. He's relaxed- his posture is open and he's clearly not upset by this admission. His focus is on driving, of course, but I have his attention. "I'd assume that I am also attracted to women, but I'm not entirely certain."
"That's alright. Don't stress about it."
"Do you suppose I ought to research potential sexual identities for myself? I'm under the impression that they are quite multitudinous."
One corner of his mouth quirks up. "Yeah, there are a lot. But if you don't feel the need to label yourself, then don't."
I ponder that a moment. "I won't, then. I am officially unlabelled."
"Sounds good. And hey- you didn't actually answer whether or not you like anyone."
I smirk to myself. "I may have a minor infatuation. But I don't consider it particularly necessary to inform you of their identity, since it is only a slight fondness and could easily pass with time."
"Hey, I get it. None of my business. But I'll support you regardless of who you want to be with, okay?"
I smile. "I'm aware."
He smiles in return, pulling into our house's driveway. "Good."
Thoughts on Rigel breaking up with Lloyd? And Exander going to his and Spica's house for rehearsal? How about Exander's conversation with Thaniel? Let me know!
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