You get the luxury of playing the Username Guessing Game before reading the actual shitpost because reasons. I wanna know if you get each one right
BBrainScientist
MapleSyrupSlut
PreciousBoi
astrologylover
ShuichiKinnie
Pepsilover
ArmedToTheTeeth
PastelGoreQueen
TheEinHateClub
MagicalShipChan
BigTiddyGinger
Countryroads
BarbieQueen
TheBiBlueberry
Dorkyweeb
OneEggyGal
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ShuichiKinnie: Y'ALL I THINK I JUST SNORTED WATER IT BURNS
BBrainScientist: By Irene Zane why are you like this
~~~~
ShuichiKinnie: Guys I had a nightmare where I was a cupcake and ate myself without hesitation what does this mean
astrologylover: Zane please stop eating before your naps
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Flowerboi: Someone PLEASE tell Aphmau to stfo about High School Musical before I do it myself
TheEinHateClub: Since you said that I'm gonna play bass boosted breaking free
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WingedArtist: Diamond stop doing TikTok dances in the living room challenge FAILED.
BarbieQueen: YOU ARE SO FUCKING MEAN EMILY RO'MEAVE
demonmama: At least I can make viral TikToks unlike that snake
BarbieQueen: @ demonmama YOU TAKE THAT SHIT BACK
ShuichiKinnie: My girlfriend may be a mother and a certified/verified Stargazer protector, but she's cold and ruthless as fuck lmao
BarbieQueen: this community is A FUCKING NIGHTMARE
~~~~
PreciousBoi: I have discovered the secret to getting Zane to go out shopping. You must constantly supply him with food
MapleSyrupSlut: Elaborate
PreciousBoi: We were at Sam's Club to pick some things up for our mommy and I bought him a soft pretzel and soda. He was content while we headed to the bank
WingedArtist: Wait we got McDonald's for lunch-- Zane has four drinks in the fridge up here???
ShuichiKinnie: @ WingedArtist don't go exposing my stash like that
PreciousBoi: Well Star didn't want a drink so I gave it to Zane. HAD I KNOWN HE WOULD BE DOUBLE FISTING TWO CUPS OF PEPSI, I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN HIM A DRINK OR PRETZEL HAD I KNOWN WE WERE GETTING FOOD WHEN WE CAME HOME
ShuichiKinnie: DO NOT EVER SAY I'M DOUBLE FISTING ANYTHING EVER AGAIN BUTTER BOY
demonmama: @ ShuichiKinnie Did your brother just tell me that you've double fisted something other than me?? You haven't even had sex with me yet and I'm your girlfriend???
ShuichiKinnie: @ demonmama NOT NOW SAPPY
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ShuichiKinnie: Seeing Star and Em physically fight is like watching two trained soldiers having a sparring match
demonmama: I WANNA SEE
Flowerboi: What started the fight????
ShuichiKinnie: Star's tryna keep Em from becoming a felon by stopping her from murdering Diamond. Again.
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ShuichiKinnie: You think you can take me down you shrimp dick motherfucker? I'll shove your head in a deep fryer and serve it at McDonald's
ArmedToTheTeeth: I will end your fucking bloodline don't test me
Pepsilover: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING OVER THERE IN THE ARCADE
PastelGoreQueen: There's an intense Dance Dance Revolution battle going on and I've never seen Zane this intense before
TheBiBlueberry: I can say the same about Zenix jfc
Dorkyweeb: Oh?? TAIKA AND LUCINDA HAVE JOINED THE GAME
BigTiddyGinger: Try not to cry when your sorry asses get beat by me and Taika loves!
ShuichiKinnie: @ BigTiddyGinger I'd like to see you try bitch
OneEggyGal: Oh it's on!
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TheBiBlueberry: i deepthroated a ruler. a 30cm ruler
MapleSyrupSlut: Dante what the actual FUCK
BBrainScientist: I'm so fucking done with this friendship group. On one hand we have Travis screaming as my roomba chases him up and down the halls, and on the other hand we have Dante DEEPTHROATING A FUCKING 30CM RULER
Flowerboi: Hot
TheBiBlueberry: @ Flowerboi See? U get it
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BBrainScientist: IT'S A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!
MapleSyrupSlut: *off brand kazoo noises*
ShuichiKinnie: A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!
demonmama: You three better tell me where you are now or so help me-
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ShuichiKinnie: I was reading a really good fanfic all morning then I got distracted by a social media account telling a fanfic of their own and when I got back to the first fanfic I'd forgotten everything that happened in it.
MapleSyrupSlut: Sounds about right.
~~~~
WingedArtist: Zane I love you but why did you name yourself ShuichiKinnie on Twitter
ShuichiKinnie: I-- because I kin Shuichi Saihara??? Is there a problem???
astrologylover: I think she's asking why you're basing your entire Twitter identity around the fact you kin that one character.
ArmedToTheTeeth: I played V3. Shuichi's boring af honestly, Kaedead would've been a better protagonist. Or literally anyone else
ShuichiKinnie: bitch
demonmama: Oh shit
PastelGoreQueen: Zenix you fucked up now
Pepsilover: I'm gonna go before shit hits the fan
Flowerboi: Too late dumbass
ShuichiKinnie: You mean to tell me that Shuichi was a shit protagonist? Is that what you're telling me? I'll have you know that being able to play as Shuichi has allowed me to find a character in the V3 cast that I can relate to
ArmedToTheTeeth: You have Himiko with how much you sleep
ShuichiKinnie: That's a condition I have no control over and you fucking know it, so please kindly shut the fuck up and take back what you said about Shuichi
ArmedToTheTeeth: No. Make me
ShuichiKinnie: Meet me at the park in 15
*30 minutes later*
demonmama: Y'ALL ZANE BEAT HIS FUCKING ASS OH MY GOD
Dorkyweeb: WAIT ZANE CAN FIGHT!?
Pepsilover: The other day he tripped over my foot and said "thank you" though????
MapleSyrupSlut: Zane will fight tooth and nail for his kins
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demonmama: AYO RO'MEAVE BITCHES WHY YOUR HOUSE SMELL LIKE FRESH ASS
MapleSyrupSlut: I never thought I'd be glad to not be able to be around Star
ShuichiKinnie: I'm holed up with Em in Star's lab. It has separate ventilation from the rest of the house and Star let us bring in some scented candles just in case the stink does get in
demonmama: Okay but that still doesn't answer my question???
WingedArtist: Ask this bitch @ PreciousBoi
PreciousBoi: LISTEN I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GONNA BE THIS BAD OKAY
Flowerboi: Damn Garroth tf did you eat????
PreciousBoi: Honestly? Don't even remember
BBrainScientist: Wait guys where's Vylad???
TheBiBlueberry: Oh he's over here with me and Travis
ShuichiKinnie: Is that everyone? Mom and dad are at work and Garroth isn't affected by his own ass stink
PreciousBoi: I think so
*10 minutes later*
BBrainScientist: DIAMOND--
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demonmama: Murder may be illegal but has that ever stopped anyone before? No. So get ready Diamond because your ass is NEXT
ShuichiKinnie: Actually the law has stopped me from murdering
Flowerboi: Who could possibly invoke the wrath of karma to the extent of getting Zane to want to murder them?
ShuichiKinnie: Myself LMFAOOOOOOO
WingedArtist: Zane we talked about this. Get some therapy
ShuichiKinnie: No
demonmama: Babe please you can't keep doing this to yourself
ShuichiKinnie: My therapy is reading Shuichi-centric fanfics and reading about Kaede and Kaito being supportive friends, honorary family, or lovers of Shuichi
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MapleSyrupSlut: If Zane's coping mechanism for literally anything, aside from sleep, is reading Shuichi-centric fanfics, then why was he reading a fanfic where Shuichi takes the First Blood perk and is absent for like the entirety of the Killing Game?
ShuichiKinnie: Laurance shut the FUCK UP or so help me Irene I will maim you
demonmama: Goddamn what's wrong babe
ShuichiKinnie: I wanted the angst okay?? Besides the fanfic made me start shipping Kaede and Miu together, so stfu
demonmama: Optimistic piano girlfriend restrains horny and feral inventor girlfriend from going apeshit on edgy assassin bitch and grape gremlin child. True relationship goals for high school years