Warning: talk of sexual assault
He was angry again.
The sound of things shattering filled the house and panic was rising inside of me.
He had come home drunk again, hickeys on his neck and when I confronted him about it, he went crazy.
"Mummy, I'm scared." Elsie cried as I put her and Leah in the cupboard.
"I know baby." I whispered, cupping her face and pressing a kiss to her forehead. "It's going to be alright. Daddy is just upset. Stay in here with Leah until I come get you, okay?"
She nodded, her eyes locked on me and I offered my girls a small smile before closing and locking the door to the cupboard.
"Dahlia!" His voice bounced off the walls and my body jumped a little. "Get down here you fucking bitch!"
My heart was pounding rapidly against my rib cage as I slowly made my way downstairs.
He was in the dining room, glass shattered everywhere. All the vases from his mother, the plates, even a window.
"Get over here." He spat, staring at me with those same angry eyes that I was so scared of whenever he was drunk.
Slowly, I made my way across the room until I stood in front of him.
"Get on your knees."
"Malcolm—"
"Did that sound like a request?" He asked. "Get on your fucking knees, Dahlia!"
Looking at him for a moment, I decided to just do what he told me to, slowly lowering myself onto my knees.
"All I want when I get home is to sit down with a fucking beer and relax after a long day." He said and I whimpered when he grabbed my hair and pulled my head back, forcing me to look up at him. "But you can't allow that to happen, can you? No... instead you accuse me of cheating on you. You're the reason I get so mad, Dahlia."
"You—" I was cut off as he punched me in the cheekbone.
My body collapsed with the floor and while I could feel some blood roll from my cheekbone, I could also feel the sharp pain from the glass on the floor cutting my skin.
A small piece was sitting in my stomach and I breathed heavily as I pulled it out.
"Get back up on your knees."
I looked up at him. His jaw was clenched. He was too angry for me to start going against him.
I got back up on my knees and his hands found his belt buckle.
Gasping, I sat up, staring into the dark room.
My chest was rising and falling quickly and a thin layer of sweat laid on my forehead.
I gulped, running both of my hands over my face and I calmed down as I realised that it was just a dream.
"Dahlia... hey—" I flinched as George sat up and tried to wrap an arm around me. "...it's just me. It's alright."
I relaxed against him, closing my eyes. His arms closed around my body, my head resting against his chest.
"It was just a bad dream." He whispered. "You are right here with me. You're safe."
It wasn't often that I had nightmares about the past. I used to have them a lot the first few years after leaving Malcolm but now it happened from time to time, though the fear afterwards was always the same.
After a few minutes, I was fully relaxed. My breathing had gone back to normal but George didn't let go of me.
His head rested against mine, his arms tightly wrapped around my body and my head stayed against his chest.
"You're okay." He whispered, pressing a kiss to my head. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head.
"No."
"Okay."
I pulled away from him, taking a deep breath as I looked into the room, then I decided to get off the bed.
"I'm gonna— I need some water." I muttered, walking out of the room and downstairs.
I turned on the light in the kitchen before entering, finding a glass and filling it with water.
I spent several minutes in the kitchen, slowly drinking the water until George walked in.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" He asked, approaching the kitchen island where I stood. "You seem more shook up than usual."
I sighed.
"I dunno." I muttered. "I think... this one was different. I think it's because he showed up here last night and with the whole court thing happening in two weeks... I just think I got overwhelmed."
George nodded slowly, his eyes focused on my face as if trying to read me.
"It felt like being back in that house with Malcolm." I said. "Hiding Elsie and Leah in a cupboard so they wouldn't see him hurt me. He punched me at I fell on some glass and then he..."
I laughed.
"It's been over a decade." I said. "And here I am, having another nightmare about what happened."
I took a deep breath and laughed again.
"He ordered me on his knees sometimes. Said I needed to be taught a lesson." I said. "And for years, I thought I was insane because he could never remember that he made me give him a blowjob, that he forced me to go down on him to inbetween punches. I started to believe that I convinced myself that it happened, that it actually didn't because he denied that it took place."
Not once had I told George about this. He knew Malcolm used to beat me up, but he never knew that he used my mouth for his pleasure whenever he was angry.
"He still doesn't remember." I said. "I mean... I don't think he does. I think he did it and then blocked it out to not be labelled as a..."
I couldn't say the word. I stared down at the counter, closing my eyes.
"As a rapist." George said, and I nodded, looking at him again, my eyes full of tears.
"I've only talked about this in therapy." I said. "I'm sorry. We've been together for ten years and not once have I told you about."
"Don't." George said quickly. "You have nothing to apologise for. I know how difficult it has been for you to even come to term with the abuse yourself. I'm just happy that you finally feel like you could open up about this. I mean... I had no idea he did that to you. It makes me want to kill him even more now."
I chuckled, running a hand over my face before I took a sip of my water.
"The reason I never sought help was because I didn't think the sexual assault had caused me any harm." I admitted. "I've never had problems with sex. I didn't mind being touched. I mean... when Malcolm and I separated, I spent every weekend I didn't have the girls, going to clubs, drinking and going home with strangers just to have sex. It became a thing I did every time it was an option for me. I still don't know why that is."
George moved closer to me.
"Maybe it was your way of regaining control of sex and your body."
