Hidden Identities // H.S

Chapter 41

Harry Styles

Jane's small rejection was a bruise to my ego.

I know what we were doing wasn't anything more than just fooling around but I would've thought that Jane was at least starting to gain some type of feeling for me like I was- - am for her.

All of this started because I didn't tell her what yesterday was. I'm not obligated to tell her anything. We're not together. We're not anything. We were just two people who wanted to fool around without strings attached. I didn't want to tell her what yesterday was. If I did I would've gotten her pity and her sorrow. I didn't want any of that.

I just wanted to get away with her. I wanted to forget what happened to me years ago for once. I wanted to spend it with her. I wanted to see her bright smile and remember that everything might be okay. I wanted to see her reaction to the places I'd show her in Brooklyn. I wanted to see her eyes light up at our last stop.

I wanted to spend a day with horrible meaning behind it with someone that would make me forget about it.

Technically she was right about being a distraction. But she put it into the wrong context. I would never distract myself with her in the way she was putting it. I wanted to spend that day with someone that would make it better. That's all.

Something's been wrong with me.

I've never felt such a connection with someone before.

I hated her like two months ago. And now- - I don't hate her anymore. Would I say I like her? Yeah. A crush? Technically? But she knows it.

I haven't been in a relationship in probably a decade. After that, I spent it doing a bunch of hookups and meaningless flings. They'd all be over after two weeks. I never committed to any other woman after Guinevere.

Our relationship taught me that no matter how much effort you can put into a relationship and no matter how much you love that person, they can still leave. They can take your heart and stomp on it like a meaningless bug. That's exactly what she did to me.

Jane and I aren't together or in a committed relationship with each other but I haven't slept with anyone since I started to like her. I couldn't. I couldn't get hard when Jennifer would show up. I couldn't feel any type of excitement when a girl would buy me a drink at a bar or try and flirt with me.

Any other relationship I tried to form with a girl would end shortly after. Because I'd cut them out. The whole relationship idea would freak me out every time and I'd cut them off. Or they'd just leave.

But Jane didn't.

She couldn't.

When I was desperate for her to leave me alone, she couldn't. It was and still is her job to always be by me. Sure, at first I hated it. I wanted to cut her off so many times. But she just stuck, because she couldn't leave.

I started to realize she wasn't the worst to be around that night in Michigan. She didn't nag me with any more questions about my mum and I's relationship. She accepted it and didn't ask questions. She told me about her and her mother's similar strained relationship. I also found it sort of cute how excited she was for a blue slurpee and gummy worms. It was cute how it stained her mouth blue.

Yeah, she held a gun to my head but I started it. It also didn't help that her doing that sort of turned me on at that moment.

After that night her presence didn't bother me as much. She started to seem more human to me.

She and I started to slowly not hate each other. Her voice didn't annoy me anymore. I could look at her and not want to scream at her.

I'll go crazy if I keep thinking about her and I's timeline. I look stupid pinpointing all of the moments.