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Chapter 26 – Terms and conditions
“He’s gone,” she says as I enter the kitchen. I let the silence fill the rooms again, and my mind too. Maybe then I can make sense. Maybe when my head is completely empty and quiet, I can understand why he’s left. But maybe I need more time. Maybe I need enough time to push all the results from the over-thinking beside, and then figure this out. Or maybe I need only ask.
“What’s for breakfast?” This is such a boring and plain question. And it breaks the silence so violently. I wince.
“Toast, cereal...I made coffee.” She doesn’t even look up from her book. And I admire her determination to read. I would have thrown that book against a wall by now, and maybe torn some pages from it, too. “Before you jump to anything, be sure to ask. Maybe he just couldn’t sleep and went back.”
“Do you want pancakes? I’m willing to make pancakes.” I take the flour and the eggs. Jocelyn sits there silently and watches what I’m doing. “I think I’m going to make pancakes.” Just don’t let yourself think, I tell myself.
It isn’t anything dramatic, him leaving, but I still feel betrayed. He could have stayed here, hell he could have woken me up and told me he’s sorry but he has to go. I’m angry that I didn’t tell him he had to inform me in case he wanted to leave. I should have set an ultimatum. I didn’t, though. Now I just have to march to his dorm and ask him what’s going on.
No, no. I can’t be that straight forward. I could ask him to come over some time. Yes, I could invite him over to join us for dinner or something. Brilliant.
After having asked for specifically Evan from the desk, and having been declined at first, I didn’t give up and lied we needed to discuss a group project.
I knock three times. Nobody answers.
Then the door of the bathroom opens, and Evan comes out holding the towel around his hips. In his other hand is his toothbrush. He freezes for a moment, then continues walking towards me.
“You left,” I start and lean against the wall. “Without saying goodbye.”
“I didn’t want to wake you, I guess,” he says, looking nervous. He wants to open the door, but I block the knob by putting my hand over it.
“You could have left a note. You could have woken me up to say you were leaving,” I disagree. “That’s not an excuse. We just became friends again, and now you are acting weird.”
“Um, sorry? I didn’t realize this was considered strange behaviour – me returning to my dorm after sleeping over at a stranger’s house. My bad,” he says. “Now will you please let me put some clothes on? I feel kind of naked.”
My eyes trail down on his skin, and then up again where I meet his frown. “Are you going to invite me in, then?” I want to know.
“Sure,” he shrugs. “After I’ve covered myself up.” He pauses. “If that’s okay with you.”
I take my hand from the door knob, and Evan disappears. I sigh and rest my back against the wall. I’m not sure how friendships work. Not with a guy anyways. Not with him, anyways.
He opens the door and I am startled, but follow him inside. The other bed is empty. He must not have a roommate.
“Please don’t disappear on me,” I breathe out. My hands feel a bit sweaty; I wipe them against my jeans. I’m sitting on the empty bed, because that felt the safest. There is some distance between us, I can easily analyse every movement he makes, just in case. Maybe there is something he isn’t telling me.
And although I am no psychologist, I am pretty confident about my gut feeling. If anything feels wrong, I’ll be sure to know. I have to trust myself that much, after all, who else can you trust if not yourself?
“I didn’t commit a crime, Howard,” he says a bit too hastily He closes his eyes as he tries to relax his muscles, but instead he becomes more irritated and to stop himself from exploding with anger, he bites his lip.
It would be a crime to say something, so I just wait for him to speak.
After he has breathed in and out with the same slow pace, he opens his eyes again. “I just left. That’s it, I just left. So please stop overanalysing, because I am not a villain. I’m not trying to hurt you.” He looks at me with piercing eyes. “So why do you keep picturing me as the bad guy?”
“I-uh, I don’t know,” I say and run my fingers through my hair.
“Because it’s easier to blame someone else, huh?” Evan asks and takes a step closer. “Because then you can say that you didn’t take that crucial step to getting hurt, that someone else took it for you?” He smiles. “Fine. But at least give me a chance before you push me away again.” He reaches out his hand and after a moment of hesitation, I accept it.
“Okay. This is me agreeing to the terms and conditions. Slap me if I do something wrong,” I say and Evan mumbles ‘uh-huh’ as he begins to sway our hands from side to side. There is a playful smirk on his lips, and I roll my eyes at him. “Is this your way of saying yes?”
“Uh-huh,” he repeats, staring at me with an innocent face.
“I should slap you,” I say and I go along with swaying our hands.
“Do it, tough guy,” he teases and it brings shivers to the back of my neck. There is tension, and I had already forgotten what it was like with Anton.
“Nah, I should rather kiss you, because you are just so damn cute,” I reply with the same amount of flirt. I can’t believe I have been without it for two weeks or more. After a while, I stopped counting the days.
Evan raises his eyebrow, and I grin. I yank him towards me, and he loses his balance and falls next to me, but bumps his head against the wall.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” I quickly apologize and cup his face with my hands. “Are you okay? Dizzy? Is your vision blurry? Should I get a nurse or something?” The words all fall out of my mouth and I can’t stop the worrying. He just smiles back, then slowly lifts his hand and brushes a strand of hair from my face.
“I think your face is naturally blurry,” he jokes and I roll my eyes at him as I let his face go.
“So, do you want to join us for dinner?” He can try and run away from me, but I’ll make sure he has to come back. It’s like I’m the prince and he’s Cinder-Evan. That works.
“Only if you promise that you’ll be cooking,” he says and winks at me.
“Soo, was that wink a yes?” I trace a circle on the mattress with my finger. “I have to warn you, I am only great at making pancakes, which I did make, this morning.”
“I’m positive that you know how to make an omelette, then,” he continues and puts on a sweater.
“So you’ll be there?” I ask, hopeful. This would be amazing. We could play board games and laugh at our own stupidity, just like old times. “I might even make tea. You know, because you’re special or something.” I shrug, and then meet his eyes. There is a spark there and I love it.
“I’m all in for having a tea party. Hell yeah,” he says and smiles widely. It feels so good to have my friend back. I can’t even begin to describe it. My world feels in place now.
So here I am, exiting the dorms, stepping into the fresh air, the wind that tousles my hair. The fountain looks lonely. The campus looks miserable, because people prefer to stay indoors as it is kind of cold; really cold.
But nevertheless, I’m smiling. Because I am happy, truly.
And right there it comes to a halt.
Anton walks from behind the building with a girl. They are holding hands, and I think something is squeezing my heart. I might black out anytime now. I hope the ground will somehow soften when I hit against it; I hope the ground catches me if I fall.
Suddenly it is even colder. Maybe because she is laughing, and I am not; maybe it’s because he is there, and not with me; maybe it is because I feel like my legs are not moving, that I have stopped, and maybe that is why I feel colder.
He slows down, and the girl glances at me, shutting her mouth. It seems like she is aware something is happening. Has he told her about me? What has he lied to her about me? Has he put the blame on me?
She clings to him as if looking for shelter, as if I would do something to her, or to him.
As if I might steal him.
I swallow in disgust, yet there is a part of me that is proud that she’s on her guard. They take a different direction and instead of passing me, they are sort of walking around me, even going around the fountain. It makes me angry.
How is it okay that they make me feel like it is my fault?
I only left him to keep him safe. And I was hoping he would understand. The bullying stopped, didn’t it? And his bruises slowly disappeared, didn’t they? And nobody came to make them reappear, right?
I had to keep him away, and make him stay away. I guess it has worked. He has even found someone who clings to him to keep him from running to me, to keep me from running to him.
My feet stop. I glance over my shoulder but they are not paying attention to me anymore; she’s laughing again. And the fountain looks miserable.
I run back to the dorms; I run up the stairs; I run back to room number 254, where there is only one occupied bed; I run to the boy who apologised; and I open the door, swing it open, and he is scared by the sudden act of flinging the door open, but then he sees me, there is a question mark upon his forehead, and he opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t let him; instead my hands cup his face and I press my lips on his. And he puts his arm around my waist and pulls me closer.
When I move away and let him breathe again, I ask, “So you still like me?”
And he smirks. “I never stopped.”
“Good,” I nod and step back, brushing my hands against my jeans, because suddenly I’m nervous. He is staring at me and it is intimidating. “See you at dinner then.” And when I walk out, and he closes the door behind me, I think that I might be able to forget all that has happened during the start of the year. That I can forget about my step-brother and his always laughing girlfriend and that maybe my best friend was all I needed all along.
Now that Evan is back, maybe everything is good again. Now that I am accepting that he likes me, I am giving us both a chance.
I close the zipper of my jacket and smile at the thought of Evan as I walk back home. I am definitely cooking dinner.
This is me agreeing to the terms and conditions, although I am not quite sure what I have signed up for.
