Blue Howard (boyxboy)

Terms and conditions

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Chapter 26 – Terms and conditions

“He’s gone,” she says as I enter the kitchen. I let the silence fill the rooms again, and my mind too. Maybe then I can make sense. Maybe when my head is completely empty and quiet, I can understand why he’s left. But maybe I need more time. Maybe I need enough time to push all the results from the over-thinking beside, and then figure this out. Or maybe I need only ask.

“What’s for breakfast?” This is such a boring and plain question. And it breaks the silence so violently. I wince.

“Toast, cereal...I made coffee.” She doesn’t even look up from her book. And I admire her determination to read. I would have thrown that book against a wall by now, and maybe torn some pages from it, too. “Before you jump to anything, be sure to ask. Maybe he just couldn’t sleep and went back.”

“Do you want pancakes? I’m willing to make pancakes.” I take the flour and the eggs. Jocelyn sits there silently and watches what I’m doing. “I think I’m going to make pancakes.” Just don’t let yourself think, I tell myself.

It isn’t anything dramatic, him leaving, but I still feel betrayed. He could have stayed here, hell he could have woken me up and told me he’s sorry but he has to go. I’m angry that I didn’t tell him he had to inform me in case he wanted to leave. I should have set an ultimatum. I didn’t, though. Now I just have to march to his dorm and ask him what’s going on.

No, no. I can’t be that straight forward. I could ask him to come over some time. Yes, I could invite him over to join us for dinner or something. Brilliant.

After having asked for specifically Evan from the desk, and having been declined at first, I didn’t give up and lied we needed to discuss a group project.

I knock three times. Nobody answers.

Then the door of the bathroom opens, and Evan comes out holding the towel around his hips. In his other hand is his toothbrush. He freezes for a moment, then continues walking towards me.

“You left,” I start and lean against the wall. “Without saying goodbye.”

“I didn’t want to wake you, I guess,” he says, looking nervous. He wants to open the door, but I block the knob by putting my hand over it.

“You could have left a note. You could have woken me up to say you were leaving,” I disagree. “That’s not an excuse. We just became friends again, and now you are acting weird.”

“Um, sorry? I didn’t realize this was considered strange behaviour – me returning to my dorm after sleeping over at a stranger’s house. My bad,” he says. “Now will you please let me put some clothes on? I feel kind of naked.”

My eyes trail down on his skin, and then up again where I meet his frown. “Are you going to invite me in, then?” I want to know.

“Sure,” he shrugs. “After I’ve covered myself up.” He pauses. “If that’s okay with you.”

I take my hand from the door knob, and Evan disappears. I sigh and rest my back against the wall. I’m not sure how friendships work. Not with a guy anyways. Not with him, anyways.

He opens the door and I am startled, but follow him inside. The other bed is empty. He must not have a roommate.

“Please don’t disappear on me,” I breathe out. My hands feel a bit sweaty; I wipe them against my jeans. I’m sitting on the empty bed, because that felt the safest. There is some distance between us, I can easily analyse every movement he makes, just in case. Maybe there is something he isn’t telling me.