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Act 3 Chapter 135JAYLAH

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Act 3 Chapter 135
JAYLAH

Jaylah was going to scream if she had to attend another banquet. And she would, because her wedding was still several days away. Less than half a week. She was marching toward her deterioration while everyone else stuffed themselves on glazed ham and the finest Paragonian music. She got the idea that she should at least hold onto the beauty of it while it still lasted. Once it was gone, it would not return.

Unable to take any more, she excused herself, claiming to want a full night's sleep to deal with the last matters of the wedding in the morning. But she would not sleep. Even if she was not plagued with dreams and false visions in the night, the sounds of her people rioting in the streets would surely keep her up. Once she got to her room, she would shut all the windows.

She was halfway there when a wry voice said, "Jaylah."

No, no, not now. Alexander knew what he was doing addressing her so impolitely in front of her escorting soldiers. She bid them to leave her before yanking him into a side room with a murderous air for show. It was an unwise display regardless, but she was past caring.

The door slammed shut. He did not fight against the grip she had on his bicep. "You know I didn't kill your aide, right?"

"I do not know that."

"She was the one who found the information I used to kill those slavers. And you were close with her. I wouldn't have hurt her even if Ermalai asked me to."

"Well," Jaylah said, steeling her voice so it would not break. "It does not matter now."

"I know." He looked away. "Ermalai is a piece of work."

Then why do you insist upon remaining by his side? she wanted to ask. Who are you going to turn against: me or him? She was terrified because she knew the answer.

Still, the facade had to go on. "He may be a monster, but he will soon be my family. Adrik will not cut ties with his own father."

Alexander was quiet for a long time. His normal jesting mood was nowhere to be found, and it was odd. It went on for so long she turned to go. Then: "You're really going to marry him?"

She squeezed her eyes shut. Gods, she hoped this was not heading in the direction she feared. Her heart was a raw wound and she could take no more agony.

And turned back around to meet the hard look in his eyes, tinting his eyes to a slate gray. "Surely you did not think there would be any other outcome."

          

"You did not seem to be thinking of him...before." He referred to the time they spent together overseas, when they were introduced to this tempting road with an impossible ending. When she was foolish enough to show her desire. His expression was so uncharacteristically unguarded—he was willing to open himself to her just this once.

"What would you like me to tell you? I am in love with the Czarevich." The lie slipped out of her mouth so fast these days. She wondered how many more times she would have to tell it before it no longer felt like she was an actress playing out someone else's life.

"Your lovely Czarevich is very friendly with the female servants during meetings with the other officials. It seems he is not troubled by giving himself to more than one woman."

"I only want one person," she said, like a hammer swinging down.

"He just wants you for your throne, your land, your riches." His eyes bored into her, challenging her to say otherwise. "I want you."

Her heart slipped over several hard beats. Never in a thousand years would she have thought he would speak so baldly about it. Or that he would have ever admitted it at all. She could actually feel the moment her stomach dropped to the floor. That was all she had ever wanted to hear, but not like this.

Gods, not like this.

"Did you think that would be enough?" she asked, tilting her head curiously. But it hurt. Oh, how it hurt. When he said nothing, she relented a bit. "You are so fragile, Khan. I would only break you."

"What about all those times we got along? You said I'm the only thing that feels real to you here. You deserve better than someone that doesn't give a shit about you beyond what you can give him."

"We can be friends," she murmured. She was not even sure if she was trying to deter him for the sake of the lie or salvage their relationship.

"Don't...don't do that." He shook his head. "I can't be your friend."

He was right. He was always right. That was when she knew she had to destroy that strange thing between them. Antinoch was already dead. Jaylah and Ermalai were locked in a struggle that would destroy them both, and she could not have Alexander anywhere near her when she imploded. Ermalai could protect him, but she could not. If she hurt him badly enough, he might just leave the palace altogether.

He was going to leave her regardless. It was best that it be at her own wishes. Now. God, just leave already. Stop dragging it out. Please.

He would hate her, but he would be safe. He deserved much better than someone as callous and unlikable as her. He deserved to be happy and he deserved to live, neither of which he would get if he stayed here much longer. She could feel it.

She had been cruel her whole life. It would be nothing new.

"Then we will not be friends," she snapped. "I do not care."

He gave an incredulous chuckle, like he could not believe this was real life. "Now I think I truly have nothing."

"Now you finally see it." She willed a taunting smile onto her lips. "You have nothing to offer me to sway my decision, nothing to dull the potency of your sheer mediocrity. You may want me, but have you considered the fact that I would never stoop so low as to want you?"

She saw the moment the blow hit, like a slap to the face. A second later, his eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to hurt me?" He was almost smiling, though without any humor.

"You are so twisted and broken inside I do not need to try."

"What is this?" he asked, and she knew that had gotten to him. "Are you trying to prove you hate me more than I hate you?"

"I won," she replied. "I will always win that game."

"I don't want to play it anymore."

"I do not care." She leaned in, feeling horribly, terribly unstable. "Do you see how completely I have beaten you? You came here with hate burning in your heart. You came here to slaughter me like an animal. Now look at you: in love with the very monster you came to slay." A high, erratic laugh slipped out of her mouth at the widening of his eyes, and it was not feigned. "It is pathetic. I hoped you would at least have the resolve to remain strong in your conviction. At least then you may have truly caught my eye. But you are weak inside and out, and I am disappointed."

"Why are you doing this now? The other night..." He was frowning, but she knew he kept the magnitude of what he felt tucked safely away. That would not do.

"What? You believe that just because a woman kisses you that she cannot be hiding ulterior motives? I had to suffer through talking with you and feign my camaraderie and try to rebuild your self-esteem for months. All I had to do was pretend to care. Gods, you are so easy. I already got everything I wanted out of you, and you were stupid enough to hand it up to me." She clasped her hands, an untouchable arbitrator. "You have no one to blame but yourself."

Shock flitted across his pallid face. "I hope you will be at my wedding," she finished. "I would simply be beside myself if I did not get to see you realize how horribly you were mistaken." She tsked. "What use could an Empress have for such a damaged lowlife of a bastard?"

That, she knew, was the worst thing she could have wounded him with, because he had always believed it. There was raw, unexpected hurt in the set of his mouth, the emptiness in his eyes.

There was no coming back from this.

She turned away, willing to allow her back to face him because he would not kill her yet. At least, she did not think so. She suspected her cruelty had hit so deeply that it bypassed any immediate desire for revenge. He would come back to kill her some day if she survived this war, but it would not be now. It was not as if Ermalai had anything more for him here. He never was one to play the servant. She prayed the entire way back to her quarters that she had shaken him enough to make him leave and never return.

Good, good, good. Good riddance. It was better to nip this...thing in the bud before she allowed herself false hope that ended in his desertion of her.

For the first time in her life, Jaylah realized her mother may not have stood loyally by her husband's side out of pitiful spinelessness, but to protect her and Ourania. Whether willingly or unwillingly, she took the blows and degraded herself in hopes that they would be spared.

Everything inside Jaylah crumpled once she was in the privacy of her quarters. She slammed her fists onto the vanity to be so blinded by pain that she could not dwell on the fact that she had just annihilated any trace of the future she wanted.

If she got her way, she would never see Alexander again. The last memory he would have of her would be merciless and abhorrent. He would see the truth of her insides at last.

She was falling apart. Her body was tumbling in little bits and pieces and rolling just out of her reach, never to be put back together. Alexander truly was fragile; what if he did something drastic? How was he feeling now—relieved that he had a reason to forget her? She never had to think much about regret before, but it was hitting her and it hurt.

Before she knew what she was doing, she uncovered her leather-bound journal and began to write with a shaky hand. It was a scream into the void through a mouth stitched shut.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry—

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